


The Hardest Thing In This World

by BattleFries



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Drama, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Psychological Drama, Romance, True Love, Unrequited Love, au season six
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:27:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 85,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21834334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BattleFries/pseuds/BattleFries
Summary: Glory is defeated, but at a terrible price.  Buffy Anne Summers is dead.  She saved the world a lot, and it killed her.  But the Hellmouth needs a guardian, so the Council uses its power to call Faith out of prison back to Sunnydale.  There may not be an apocalypse on the horizon, but for everyone who was ever a part of Buffy's life, things just seem impossible to deal with.  Everyone has pain and fear and heartache, and everyone deals with it differently.  Sometimes, however, help can be found from the most unlikely and unexpected of places and people.
Relationships: Faith Lehane/Buffy Summers (Unrequited), Tara Maclay/Willow Rosenberg, Xander Harris/Anya Jenkins
Comments: 22
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or any of the characters contained in this story, save for a few minor, non-canon characters who show up in official capacities (prison guards, bankers, lawyers, etc). This is, for the most part, my interpretation of Season Six with Faith in the mix. Reflecting on the show, Season Six was hard for me to watch because of how brutally our heroes had to deal with so much raw emotion from the day to day consequences of just living their lives, and I wanted this story to reflect that struggle.
> 
> In my wildest dreams, I ship Buffy and Faith together, and everything is wonderful and perfect between them. But if I'm honest about reading between the lines in the show, I honestly think that while Faith has real, true feelings for Buffy, the sentiment is not returned. That's not to say that Buffy feels nothing at all, but it's not the same. So, please expect my attempt at an honest exploration and discussion of their respective feelings, even if it isn't what anyone might secretly hope for. As for any supplemental materials, this work of fan fiction does NOT draw anything from any comics or novels or video games. For fans of the novel 'Go Ask Malice,' the events of that novel did not happen in this story. Faith still has her own pre-series history, but in this story, that history is my own creation.
> 
> If you're a fan of Buffy, then you probably get the title of this story. But just in case you don't, it comes from a line that Buffy says to her younger sister just before she dies to save the world. "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it." Life is messy, and people make mistakes. They fall down, and they get back up and try again. That's basically this story in a nutshell, and I can only hope that some of the emotion and thought I put into writing this story comes through when you read it.
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to give this story a chance. It can also be found on the fanfiction.net and Twisting The Hellmouth websites, under the user names BattleFries and LegacyWeapon, respectively. And with that out of the way, let's get into the story.

### Chapter One

There was something to be said for being a convicted and justly-imprisoned felon, Faith thought idly as she sat down to a platter with grilled chicken, mashed potatoes, a cup of water, and a plastic spork. This half-hour span of time starting at twelve-thirty in the afternoon, and two others like it starting each at seven o’clock in the morning and at six o’clock in the evening were the highlights of Faith Lehane’s day, just as they had been every day for the past fourteen months. The items on the tray might vary from day to day and from meal to meal, but the certainty that there would even be a meal… That was something precious.

Faith knew with unshakable certainty that vampires, demons, and monsters were real things in this world she lived in, but it was the other ones that she didn’t know about: gods and angels and someone or something in someplace that might be called a heaven that could offer forgiveness and absolution. Faith was of mixed opinions about such things. On the one hand, she wanted such things to exist. There had to be some point to atoning, to repenting, to serving her time. On the other hand, Faith doubted whether or not she deserved forgiveness. Doctor Newman – her mandatory therapist – kept telling Faith that she needed to forgive herself before she would be ready to accept it from anyone else, and if she was right, then Faith felt she might have a problem.

Not that it was ever likely to come up, as the people she needed to ask forgiveness from were either dead or else likely to try and kill Faith if they ever met again, save for Angel. Angel visited her from time to time on the rare nights when visitors were allowed after dark. In a smaller town, it might not ever happen, but plenty of people worked nights and slept during the days in Los Angeles, and not all of them demons. Faith would of course apologize to him for everything she’d done, and she did it every time she saw him, and every time Angel told her that she didn’t need his forgiveness, but that he’d give it all the same to help her feel better.

Faith laughed at the irony. A vampire named ‘Angel.’ Now all she needed was to meet an angel named ‘Vampire.’ But alas, angels weren’t real, or if they were, they were firmly in the category of ‘things not seen,’ the thought of which gave Faith another taste of bitter irony. If the Bible was to be believed, then ‘faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen,’ or so she had been told by the prison’s resident priest. Ironic, then, that Faith didn’t feel she could take anything on faith.

This was another benefit to prison. Faith had time to just do nothing and think. Not that she was ever going to be a great philosopher, but after all the slaying, all the killing, all the adventure and all the mayhem… Doing nothing had been strange at first, but Faith was just starting to find her equilibrium, as Doctor Newman called it.

And on that thought, Faith picked at her chicken with her spork until a small piece came off and she tucked it into her mouth to chew and savor. A few minutes went by as she finished her chicken. Faith did not get to start on her mashed potatoes, as one of the guards – a bald, handsome black man in his 40s, maybe? His name was Jeff – came over, keeping himself in Faith’s line of sight, and gently tapped her on the shoulder. Faith was grateful that he let her see him coming. It had been a while, but early on, Faith would react to being touched from behind with a throw or a tackle or an elbow to the face. It was a reflex, of course, but the guards tended to frown on violence of any sort in the prison. “Lehane, you gotta come with me.”

“What, right now?” Faith whined mildly. “Can I at least take the potatoes with me?”

Jeff shook his head. “Warden wants to see you. S’all I know. And before you ask, I don’t think you did anything. I don’t know what’s going on or why. I’m just here to move you from point A to point B.”

Faith sighed, but smiled all the same as she stood up. “Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, Jeff. Lead on.”

Jeff led Faith through the halls and past a number of cells, past the visitation area and into the Warden’s office. Donna St. Claire was built like a pro wrestler, but instead of the glamour of the WWE, she’d gone down the criminal psychology route and ended up warden of a women’s prison with the luxury of being entirely unafraid of any of her wards. Faith could probably take her, but she had a Slayer’s strength and stamina. And even then, Faith had seen Warden St. Claire break up a few fights, and while it was a joy to watch, the woman was not to be messed with.

With that thought in mind, Faith’s guard came up as she saw the distinctly unhappy look on Donna St. Claire’s face. “Do you mind telling me what this is all about, Lehane? I don’t appreciate surprises like this,” she said as she waved a clipboard in one hand as if it were a piece of incriminating evidence.

Faith didn’t let her surprise show on her face, playing it cool. She had a reputation of her own to maintain. “Well, I wouldn’t mind telling you, Warden, if I knew what any of ‘this’ is. All I know is that Jeff said you wanted to see me, and here I am now. So, what’s up?”

The warden chuckled humorlessly. “’What’s up,’ Lehane, is that for some reason I cannot possibly hope to comprehend, as of right now, you are no longer my problem. This,” she said, gesturing with the clipboard in her hand, “is a pardon, signed by the Governor of California. Faith Lehane, you are once again a free woman. I don’t know who thought that putting a confessed murderer back on the streets was a good idea, but this is above my pay grade. Thankfully, you’ve actually been far less trouble than most of the inmates here, but try not to end up back here again, okay?”

Now, Faith did let her surprise show. She couldn’t help it. “No. No, that’s wrong. You gotta go back and tell him, her, tell whoever’s in charge that they made a mistake. I still got time to do.”

The warden laughed again, this time with humor, and somehow that scared Faith. “You don’t get it, Lehane. This is out of my hands. I couldn’t keep you here even if I wanted to. My advice: You’re being given a second chance. Don’t waste it.”

_A second chance…_ The words echoed in Faith’s head like something out of a dream. “I… Do I gotta go out in this?” Faith asked, holding the shirt of her prison jumpsuit with the tips of her fingers.

The warden gestured to a smaller room. “In there’s all you had on you when you first confessed. Go in, get changed, then go live your life, Lehane.”

Faith was speechless, so she just did as she was told. There were the clothes she’d worn that night. Faith couldn’t even remember where she’d gotten them. Did she steal them herself? Did Angel have them on hand to give to her? Did she take them from the apartment that she’d taken over when she’d arrived in LA?

For better or worse, they were Faith’s clothes now, and they were the clothes of a free woman. Faith stripped out of her prison uniform and when the feel of actual, real fabric touched her skin, it was like a jolt of energy surged through her. Just the physical feel of clothing made for comfort made Faith feel alive in a way she hadn’t even known she was missing.

Stepping out of the changing room, Faith just nodded to Warden St. Claire. “So, uh, thanks for the room and board, I guess?”

The warden grunted back by way of reply. “Thanks for not being too much of a pain in the ass. Now get outta here.”

Faith nodded and walked out the door into the reception area. Here she was at last. A room for the good people of California, on the right side of the wall in a prison. She took in the sight and then frowned as her face fell upon the lone visitor in the reception room.

Rupert Giles was sitting right in front of Faith, putting down a newspaper he’d been reading and getting to his feet. “Hello, Faith.” There was no bite to his words, but something was clearly eating at him, Faith could tell.

“Giles,” Faith said carefully. “You why they say I’m a free woman now?”

“Not entirely,” Giles said carefully. “And I wouldn’t say entirely free, either. We should talk in the car.”

Faith nodded in understanding. “There’s a catch. Right.” Of course, it had been too good to be true. Confessed murderers don’t just get sprung after barely a year into their sentence for no reason.

Faith followed Giles out to a sleek red convertible and got into the passenger seat. “Where we headed? Just please don’t say…”

“Sunnydale.”

Faith smacked her lips. “Right. Back to all the best memories of my life.” Even as Faith said the words sarcastically, she realized that Sunnydale really had been home to the best parts of her life. Once Kakistos was dust, Faith had felt free for the first time in her life. She could live life on her terms, and she got to slay while doing so. She’d met Buffy Summers and had an absolute blast with the one person in the world who could keep up with her.

And then she’d gone and screwed everything up. Sunnydale had indeed been home to the best parts of her life, but also to some of the worst. She’d killed a man there, by accident. She’d killed two more on purpose. She’d taken everything she could take from Buffy, just as she’d been told she had, and once she finally had what she’d thought she always wanted, Faith finally realized just how worthless she’d been.

Sunnydale had hosted most of her worst memories, but not the absolute worst. That honor went to an alleyway in the rain in the dark of Los Angeles where Faith had finally let all her barriers collapse and beg for death, since life was simply too painful.

Faith turned to Giles with a look of indignation on her face. “Why’re you taking me back there? I’d rather be in prison, and not just because it’s the friggin’ Hellmouth. Oh, wait. I forgot. I don’t have a choice. Why would you even want me back, Giles? Why would anyone?”

“Nobody did want you back, Faith. Not at first, at least. However, Angel has remained in contact with me over the past year or so, and he’s kept me updated on your progress. My own personal feelings regarding Angel aside, he has argued very passionately on your behalf.”

Faith nodded in slight understanding. “Well, that’s because Angel’s an awesome guy. Still doesn’t explain why you’re taking me back to Sunnydale.”

Giles sighed, and Faith thought she could see a bit of sweat forming on his face despite the balmy weather. “While Angel has convinced me, personally, of your sincere desire to reform, many others remain unconvinced. Despite no longer being a member of the Watcher’s Council, the office of the Governor of California was somehow unaware of this, and I explained the situation to him. Thus was your release arranged, and it’s too late for the Council to stop it, but I can’t guarantee we’ll have seen the last of them. All the same, I explained that you were needed to guard the Hellmouth.”

Faith couldn’t help herself: she burst out laughing at the sheer absurdity of it all. ”You made a deal to spring _me_ to protect Sunnydale. Oh, I bet that went over well. B must’ve flipped when she heard-“

“Buffy’s dead, Faith.”

Faith fell silent instantly, and she felt the silence spread to every corner of her being. This couldn’t be happening. Buffy Summers, the real deal, the one true Slayer who didn’t screw everything up, who was always there to do the right thing, who tried so hard to be there for Faith when she was busy screwing up her own life and everyone else’s, who gave her every chance to be a part of something better than the crappy life she’d always known…

The little red convertible drove onwards on the highway from Los Angeles to Sunnydale, and Faith quietly amended one of her previous thoughts. The worst moment of her life was no longer in that dark, rainy alley. It was right here, right now.

Giles sighed. “We need you, Faith.”

Faith nodded absentmindedly at Giles’s lie. He probably didn’t even realize he was lying. They didn’t need her. Nobody needed Faith Lehane. They needed a Slayer, and so Giles turned to the only one on hand. Steeling herself, Faith resolved to be that. She would be a Slayer. She would fight the good fight. She’d protect people. She’d do the job right this time, give it the respect it deserved. She’d take all the lessons she’d ignored the first time around and be the best damned Slayer she could be.

But no matter how much Faith tried and no matter how much she’d prove herself able to do, she would never be what anyone needed. Screw anyone else, _Faith_ needed Buffy Summers. And now she was gone.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Evidence of things not seen,_ Faith thought with a chuckle. “Guess I believe in something after all. Figures it’d be you.”

### Chapter Two

Faith hadn’t been sure if she’d wanted to dream about Buffy when she closed her eyes the past night. Giles had offered her the couch in his apartment until she could find a place to call home, and Faith was genuinely grateful to him. Always her own person, Giles was that rare authority figure who allowed his charges to find themselves rather than forcing their way. He’d been that way before, and so far he still seemed to be that way.

It was also painfully clear that Giles was still mourning Buffy, but he was putting up a strong front for Faith’s sake. Probably for the other Scoobies’ sake as well, and most likely for his own sake. It was also damned good of him to give Faith even a speck of respect and decency after all she’d done. Granted, she’d never come after Giles directly, but she had gone after Buffy, and Faith got the distinct impression that Giles had neither forgotten nor forgiven her for her past misdeeds.

He was, however, giving her a place to stay and food to eat, and while he’d told her that Angel had convinced him to give Faith a second chance, she wasn’t sure she believed it, but it was nice of him to say it, either way.

So once they’d gotten back, Giles had spent the day recounting the story of how Buffy had died, but he was leaving some stuff out. Faith wasn’t quite sure what he wasn’t telling her, but it was either about the hell-bitch, Glory, or about Dawn. The two were connected, Giles’s story had made that clear, but how they were connected was anything but clear, and if Giles wasn’t willing to share, then Faith doubted that any of the others would be so kind.

When told about Buffy’s epitaph, Faith smiled, and she cursed herself for feeling even a little bit happy. ‘She Saved The World A Lot.’ That was Buffy’s job, and Faith had only heard stories about all of those exploits. As fitting as the epitaph was, Faith also felt that it missed a lot of what B was all about. Sure, she saved the world, but she did it for the right reasons, and that counted for more in Faith’s book.

And so, when she turned in, Faith wasn’t sure that she wanted to dream about Buffy. On the one hand, Buffy was _the_ ideal to aspire towards, and Faith wanted to be able to see that again. On the other hand, Buffy’s greatness was a painful reminder of Faith’s own failings. Would it be worth it to see B’s face again if the only thing she saw was righteous fury?

Faith didn’t know, and she was relieved that when she woke up, she hadn’t dreamed one bit. Something smelled good, and standing up, she saw Giles preparing some sausage and scrambled eggs. It was a lot of sausage and eggs, so it was probably for her, but Faith didn’t want to be hasty and get herself kicked out.

After a few minutes, Giles set down the plate full of food. “For you, Faith.”

“Thanks, Giles.” Faith tried not to eat too quickly, but after fourteen months of prison food, real food was a shock to her senses, and she soon found herself wolfing down her meal as if it would suddenly disappear.

Once she was done, she downed a glass of orange juice, then let her stomach settle for a bit. “So, um… I guess I should probably do a quick run around the ‘dale, refresh my memory before night falls. And, uh, I don’t wanna be an ass, but could you spare a few bucks?”

“That depends,” Giles said as he took Faith’s plate to rinse in the sink. “What do you need the money for?”

“Flowers.” Faith tried not to laugh at herself for the stupid sentimental gesture she had dedicated herself to do. “For Buffy.”

Giles had been about to put a plate in the dishwasher, but he stopped for a moment, then finished placing the plate to be washed and stood and turned to look at Faith. “Why?”

Faith’s eyebrows raised as she realized that Giles was challenging her. “Whadaya mean, ‘why’? B’s dead!”

“Yes, I’m quite aware of that. Thank you, Faith. I meant why do _you_ want to put flowers on Buffy’s… On her grave?”

Faith knew exactly why, though she had never spoken the reason aloud. And the only times she ever even acknowledged this truth was in her moments of deepest privacy. She wasn’t sure she understood it, so she definitely didn’t think anyone else could believe her if she dared to voice it aloud.

So she didn’t. “Because it’s something I have to do. I just… I just have to do it, okay? I owe her that.”

Giles took off his glasses and leaned back against the counter. “I wouldn’t have thought you would feel you owed her anything.”

Faith chuckled mirthlessly. “You don’t know me, Giles. You never _tried_ to know me. None of you did. None of you but her. So, I’m gonna go put some flowers on Buffy’s grave. The only question is if I can borrow a few bucks until I can pay you back, or if I need to steal ‘em.”

It took Faith a moment, but she realized that she might have crossed a line. She didn’t particularly care. It was the truth. She might have been a Slayer when she first came to Sunnydale, but that didn’t make her part of the team. Maybe if the team had wanted her, things wouldn’t have gone down the way they did. Maybe if Buffy hadn’t been the only person in Hellville to give her the time of day, then maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so personal between them.

Then again, if things hadn’t gotten so personal between Faith and Buffy… Faith shook her head and banished the unfinished thought from her mind. She didn’t want to think about that.

“You’re right.”

Faith looked up and realized that Giles had spoken. “Come again?”

“You’re right, Faith,” Giles said quietly. “I don’t know you. Your Watcher’s diaries were lost with her, and I was still working for the Council and saw merely another Slayer to watch over. What I do know is that you and Buffy were close enough for you to hurt her more deeply than anyone else ever did.”

Faith tried to hold Giles’s gaze, but what could she say to something like that? “If… If I could go back… Do it all over again-“

“Well, you can’t!” Giles barked out suddenly. “You have no idea how much I wish you could have a chance to make things right with her. I don’t know that it will make you feel much better, Faith, but you would never have been able to hurt Buffy as much as you did if you didn’t matter to her.”

Giles sighed. “And you _did_ matter to her, which is more than I can say for myself, or Willow, or Xander. You were right about that, and for what little good it does now, I’m sorry.”

Faith was stunned. Nobody ever apologized to Faith Lehane. She’d been wronged, sure. Faith had never expected anyone to ever admit it, was all. If it was going to be anyone, though, it would be Giles. Or maybe one other…

“I know she probably won’t wanna see me after all I did,” Faith said, “but I don’t suppose I could ask you to just… I dunno.. Test the waters or something with Joyce? She was good to me when I was here. Only one other than Buffy. Guess I know where she gets it from.”

Giles sighed again and put his glasses back on. “Joyce died a few months before Buffy. Willow and Tara have taken up residence in the Summers house and are looking after Dawn.”

Faith was speechless. Buffy had lost her mom – one of the few actually good people in Sunnydale, with enough guts and goodness to stand up to Faith on a bad day – and Buffy had had to deal with that while protecting Lil’ D… And Dawn was all alone now… And Faith had given the brat such a hard time when she’d first arrived, not to mention what she’d done just before the body swap… It was all too much.

“How about this, Faith?” Giles said. “Why don’t we go for that walk around town you were going to take? I’ll buy flowers for us both, and you can tell me about yourself while go and visit Buffy.”

_Visit Buffy._ Faith knew what Giles was doing. Trying to make believe that she was still here, that she was still with them, that she was anything at all save for dead. Faith never got to play make believe as a child, but she figured she might want to start right about now.

“Five by five, Giles. Thanks.”

* * *

The day flew by quickly. Faith and Giles talked more than they walked, and give the man some credit, but Giles actually seemed interested in Faith. He’d need a bit of a push, but he was listening. It was obvious that he’d never even considered the possibility that Faith came from a broken home. That was what they called families like hers, right? ‘Broken homes.’ People have such an easier time dealing with things they can’t handle when they have a nice label to stick to it from a safe distance.

Oh, sure, Xander didn’t exactly have it easy, but at least he had a roof over his head. Once Faith told Giles a bit about growing up on the streets of Boston, stealing to feed herself until she picked the wrong target, which led to far less pleasant things to keep herself going. And then, when she finally felt the strength and power of a Slayer, she fought back. She took her life into her own hands for the first time in her seventeen years in the world. After that came a watcher named Diana, a vampire named Kakistos, and the rest was history.

All Giles had been able to say was, “Well, that explains that.” Faith had wanted to erupt at him after saying so little, but then again, he was right from his point of view. Giles came from ‘good stock’ or something like that. People like Faith weren’t real for people like him. They were statistics or sob stories you read about in your favorite magazine. Reality wasn’t so simple, so his upper class brain was handling it as best as it could. It was about all Faith could ask for.

They had explored a few graveyards before dusk, but alas, they hadn’t gotten to Buffy’s yet. “Don’t worry, Giles,” Faith had assured him. “I still got the flowers. Got a stake, got some knives tucked away. It’s better this way. At night, doing the sacred duty – and I mean it this time – is what she would’ve wanted, I think. No better time to pay her a visit. Maybe remember the good ol’ days before… Well, you know.”

And he did know, and he left it at that. Which left Faith holding a bouquet of flowers ending in a stake at the other end, just to be safe. _Beautiful and deadly. That’s you, B._ Faith walked through the groves of trees, tombstones popping up every now and then. Faith didn’t have a directory or a guide to lead her to Buffy’s grave, but something in her gut told her she wouldn’t need them. They were Slayers, the Chosen Two. Faith just walked where her feet took her. She didn’t need a map to find Buffy.

_Evidence of things not seen,_ Faith thought with a chuckle. “Guess I believe in something after all. Figures it’d be you.”

As Faith walked idly through the grass and the trees, a voice caught her ear. It was distant, but she had a Slayer’s senses. Someone – no, two someones – were speaking to each other in the direction of where Faith was headed.

_Vamps looking to ransack B’s grave? Not on my watch._ Faith crouched low and began to stalk quietly towards the creatures. The old Faith would have just charged on in, but the old Faith had done some growing up. Even if she hadn’t, this place deserved to be treated with some sort of respect. _Damn, I’m going all sentimental in my old age._

As she got closer, Faith could tell the voices more clearly, and they weren’t vamps. Both voices were familiar, but Faith only remembered one of the names. Best to announce herself, lest she be struck by lightning, or so Giles had warned her.

“Heya, Red. Been a while.”


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faith had been running from one thing or another her entire life, and now she was done. She wouldn’t run from this, no matter how scared she was. “And maybe, I wanted that hero, that woman who always knew right from wrong, who always saved the day… Maybe I wanted her to look at me and see more than just another Slayer. Maybe I wanted her... I wanted you to look at me, Buffy, and see what I felt for you, and I wanted to see the same feelings in you. God, when did I get this mushy? But whatever, I can’t help it.
> 
> “I kinda love you, B. I think I always did, even before we met. I heard stories about the hero, the legend, and you were all that and more. You lived your whole life fighting the good fight, and it killed you.”

### Chapter Three

Faith expected Willow to turn and face her with anger and fury. She did not expect what she found, which was Willow and her girlfriend – Faith felt bad that she couldn’t remember her name – poring over some old-looking books under candlelight.

The candles were quickly blown out, the books shut, the women rising to their feet. Now Willow looked at Faith with anger and fury, and her girlfriend just looked at Faith curiously, without judgment.

“What are you doing here?” Willow growled. “Giles told us you’d be back, not that I like it, but why are you _here?”_

Faith had to give the girl credit. Looking after her best bud even after she’s in the ground. Faith would have felt just as protective. Hell, she _did_ feel just as protective. Holding up the bouquet, Faith took a tentative step forward. ”Came to pay my respects. Didn’t expect to have company.”

And Faith didn’t want company. What she wanted, so very much, was to be alone in this place and tell Buffy how she truly felt about everything. Maybe she was a coward for doing so when Buffy wouldn’t be able to deny her or reject her or try to kill her. Out of the three, the last one bothered Faith the least.

Alas, Red was not satisfied with Faith’s answer. Not that she would be. Willow had liked Faith at first, up until Buffy started spending more time with Faith than with her. Thinking back on it, had Buffy even noticed Red’s jealousy at the time? It was plain as day to Faith, and she’d been a bit of a bitch for wanting Buffy to herself. She’d never asked Buffy not to bring anyone else on their patrols, and maybe Faith had read more into that then she should have.

What mattered was what Willow had read into it. And unfortunately, Willow didn’t seem to be reading into things correctly in the here and now. ”If you think that we’d _ever_ leave you alone with her… Oh, Faith, it has been a while. I’m not the powerless little girl you had back in the Mayor’s office anymore.”

“So I’ve heard,” Faith said as the memory came washing back over her, clear as day. ”I remember that day, and I was wrong about what I said in that office.”

Whatever response Willow was expecting, that obviously hadn’t been it. ”What do you mean?” she asked in a low, dangerous voice.

”You hurt me, I hurt you,” Faith recounted to Red. ”’Cept I wasn’t more efficient about it.”

Before Willow could respond, Faith just sighed. After learning about Buffy, and then Joyce, Faith just wanted this moment alone. ”Look, Red, I get it. You don’t like me, you don’t trust me, and that’s okay. Right now, though, I’m asking you two – nicely as I can – to give me a moment to say a few sorries without anyone eavesdropping, is all I’m asking.”

Willow huffed. ”Too little, too late.”

And that was the truth of it all, and it hurt like hell to hear. An apology wasn’t enough, not that Faith hadn’t tried the last time she’d seen Buffy. And dammit for being too late!

”W-willow… Maybe we should just let her be? We can finish up another night.” Faith remembered that voice. There was still a small stutter, but there was a lot more confidence than there had been that one night at the Bronze.

Hell, she might be too late to apologize to Buffy, but this was another matter. ”Hey, um… Look, I’m sorry. I forgot your name, but we’ve met before, and I was… Hell, I was a real bitch to you. The first time you met Buffy… Well, that wasn’t her. That was me being a bitch. So, I’m sorry about that.”

”It’s Tara,” the blonde said, not sounding meek in the slightest. ”And I remember very well. The Draconian Katra spell.”

Faith should have known that it wouldn’t blow over that easy. ”I never knew the name for it, just that-“

”You switched bodies with Buffy,” Tara said matter-of-factly. ”And I accept your apology.

Faith was brought up short, and she let out a small laugh. ”I’m sorry. This ain’t funny. It’s just I’m not used to that. So, thanks. And now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…”

”Of course,” Tara said. ”We can come back another night, Willow,” she repeated quietly and firmly.

Somehow, that soft voice managed to do what Faith in all her fury never could. Willow abided and silently followed her girlfriend back to wherever it was they would go. When Faith had first met Tara – with ‘met’ being a strong overstatement – the girl had seemed so frail she would break if a straw fell on her. She was still gentle and soft, but somehow, Faith got the impression that it was the kind of softness that could break any fall and take any hit and endure through all of it. It was something strange for Faith, something she’d never encountered. Faith had always thought of being soft as being weak, but something about Tara struck Faith as tremendously strong in a way she couldn’t describe.

And that strong presence had accepted her apology. She didn’t say that she forgave Faith, and Faith didn’t expect her to. When she had woken up this morning, Faith thought she had one person she could count on in a clutch, and that was Angel. That list now included Giles, and despite all logic, Faith hoped that it might include Tara one day if she and Faith each decided to allow it.

Willow had definitely grown up. That spark she’d shown in the Mayor’s office, when she’d rightly called Faith a selfish, worthless waste had grown into a roaring blaze. Tara’s quiet strength had put a lid on that fire, and from what Giles had told her about Willow’s magical strength, Faith didn’t want to know what might happen should that lid ever come off.

Listening carefully with every iota of enhanced hearing that she possessed, Faith waited until she was certain that nobody else was around to hear her. Taking a deep breath, Faith stepped forward and turned to face the plot of earth in front of her. She didn’t look at the tombstone. Faith wasn’t sure if she could handle that just yet.

“How’s it been, B?” Faith said, hoping that in some better place, Buffy was listening. “Last I saw you, you saved my life. You wanted to kill me, if I remember right, but when those assholes from the Council came, you helped me out. Believe it or not, I wasn’t ever confused about that. You hated me for what I did to you, and I deserved it. But you’re the hero, B. You save people, it’s what you do. Maybe I didn’t deserve it, but you saved me that night.”

Faith closed her eyes and inhaled the cool night air. “You tried to save me from myself, but I didn’t let you, and I wish I could go back and do that all over, but I can’t. I know it didn’t look good when you saw Angel helping me, but it was never like that. I get what you see in him, B. A bit dark and brooding for me, but I was never into him that way. He got through to me when all I wanted was to die.”

A harsh laugh cut through the air, and it took Faith a moment to realize that the laugh had been hers. “God, I messed up so much. That whole body swap thing… I don’t know how you bad it hurt you, save that you came to LA to kill me. Last time that happened, it was to save Angel, so you must’ve been pissed beyond all hell. I doubt you wanna hear it, but I learned a lot while living in your skin. I got a bit of an idea as to why you are who you are.”

Faith chuckled to herself, despite not finding anything humorous. A shrink would probably tell her she was coping somehow, but Faith didn’t really care much at the moment. “I got an idea for everything you were, B. And I got a taste of everything I wasn’t. It finally clicked, and I hated myself. Still do, but not as much. I’m working on it.

“And for the nothing it’s worth now, B, I never hated you. I wanted what you had. I wanted a mom who didn’t drink herself to sleep every night and beat me before she passed out. I wanted a nice house to come home to with food that wouldn’t vanish if I didn’t eat it fast enough. I wanted the hero I heard so much about to look at me and see something other than the gutter trash she’s been her whole life.”

Now came the hard part. No, that was understating it. Now came the _hardest_ part. Faith used to think of herself as fearless, but now she knew better. She had feared Kakistos after he’d ripped Diana in half. Before that, she’d feared the power that gangsters and pimps had exerted over her. Before that, she’d feared a school and a home where she had felt entirely worthless. This was a different fear. Faith knew so clearly how she felt deep down, but saying it aloud, with no one to hear her, was somehow more terrifying than anything else she’d ever known.

Faith had been running from one thing or another her entire life, and now she was done. She wouldn’t run from this, no matter how scared she was. “And maybe, I wanted that hero, that woman who always knew right from wrong, who always saved the day… Maybe I wanted her to look at me and see more than just another Slayer. Maybe I wanted her... I wanted you to look at me, Buffy, and see what I felt for you, and I wanted to see the same feelings in you. God, when did I get this mushy? But whatever, I can’t help it.

“I kinda love you, B. I think I always did, even before we met. I heard stories about the hero, the legend, and you were all that and more. You lived your whole life fighting the good fight, and it killed you.”

Faith inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, trying to allow herself a moment to collect her thoughts. “So… Now that that’s out of the way, I figure that you set a pretty good example that I was too stupid and selfish to see before. I don’t know that I’ll always do the right thing, but I’m gonna try my damn best all the same. I’ll patrol the ‘Dale, guard the Hellmouth, do my best to make sure nobody hurts Lil’ D. They won’t want me to, but I’ll try to look after your little Scooby club. I can’t ever take your place, B. Nobody can. All I can do is try to do things better this time. When I got out of the big house, the warden told me this was my second chance. I dunno that I deserve it, but I’m gonna make it count as best I can.”

Crouching low, Faith gently placed the bouquet on the mound of grass. The blossoms pointed towards the tombstone that Faith still refused to look at, and out of the bottom of the bouquet, Faith left the wooden stake pointing outwards. It was a silly, stupid thing, but it felt right. _Beware the Slayer. Even six feet under, she’ll stake you dead._

Fetching another, slimmer stake out of her boot, Faith left the way she’d arrived. _Back to business. Gotta patrol to keep the vamps in line. I just had a fourteen-month vacation. Time to get back on the clock._

* * *

The first time Tara Maclay had met Faith Lehane, she’d been unsettled and very uncomfortable with the other Slayer, and not just because she’d been in Buffy’s body at the time. Tara had heard third-hand from Willow, who had heard from Buffy, that Faith had been jailed for her crimes. Only later, after tempers had cooled considerably, did Tara learn that Faith’s incarceration was voluntary.

After hearing that piece of news, Tara had forced herself to revisit that night at the Bronze when she had come across Faith using and abusing Buffy’s body, and how the other Slayer had behaved while alone with her. It was strange to see Faith now, in the body that Buffy had been forced into when Tara had first met Willow’s best friend.

A year and a half ago, when Willow had first told Tara about Faith, her girlfriend had told her that the plan upon sighting Faith would be to run and hide. Now, just moments ago, Willow had been seething with rage. Her aura was thrumming with hostility with no trace of fear. Tara remembered the last time she had brought up her feelings regarding Willow’s rapidly-growing power, and she wasn’t sure that now was the best time to bring that up again.

“Are you okay, Willow?” Tara asked, trying her level best to sound as gentle and calming as possible.

It might have been the wrong thing to say. “How can you even ask me that, baby? Weren’t you listening to what we’ve all been saying the past few weeks? Quite frankly, I don’t really care what Angel or Giles has to say about Faith. After all we’ve been through with her, how can you expect me to be anywhere near okay right now?”

Tara nodded quietly. “I know that your past with Faith is a bad one, a-and I’ve heard all your stories about w-w-what she’s done to you…”

“Tara,” Willow said, all anger gone, embracing her girlfriend, “are you okay now, baby?”

“Y-yes, Willow. Yes,” she said once more, firmly this time. “It’s just… I don’t have your history with Faith. I’ve only ever met Faith exactly twice, and w-while I don’t want to dismiss your anger – because your anger is valid, and I can’t tell you not to feel how you feel – but sometimes strong emotions can cloud otherwise clear heads.”

“Tara…” Willow took a step back, the pain on her face obvious. “Are you saying that I’m not thinking straight?”

Tara sighed and looked Willow in the eyes. “No, baby. Not exactly. It’s just… I know how you feel about Faith, and I want to support you as best I can. But as much as you hate her, Willow, I don’t. I haven’t been hurt by her like you have, so I can’t hate her. I have a few impressions of her, but not much else.”

A few different looks passed over Willow’s face before the red-haired witch nodded and continued walking back towards 1630 Revello Drive. “I get that, Tara. But the body swap.... Didn’t you get any bad vibes from her then?”

Tara thought carefully as she walked about how to reply. She was going to be honest, but she didn’t want to push Willow away in the process. Normally she wouldn’t fear such a thing, but the only other time Willow had been this emotionally raw was when Tara herself had been utterly unable to tell such things thanks to Glory robbing her of her sanity.

“When I first met Faith that night, at the Bronze, in Buffy’s body… The words she was saying were sort of competing, I guess, for my attention with her disjoined aura. But based on what she said, I got two impressions. The second one was that she was mean, and I’m not sure if that’s true anymore.”

Willow snorted. “Just you wait. And while you wait, watch yourself. Faith is-“

“A killer and a cleavage-y slut-bomb, among other things. I remember, baby,” Tara said with a small smile at her girlfriend. “And I will watch myself. A normal night in Sunnydale without watching myself is a death sentence, sweetie. You taught me that, and you taught me well.”

Despite the circumstances, Tara saw Willow smile at the compliment, and before either of them knew it, they were holding hands as they walked through the woods back towards the suburban streets. Willow turned to look at Tara. “Sorry, Tara. I just don’t want to see you hurt. I know you’re strong, but that’s not gonna stop me from worrying.”

“I know, Willow. I know,” Tara said gently with a smile of her own. “But I was saying, the second impression I got from Faith was that she was mean, and that was then.”

Willow just nodded as she walked, her hand swinging with Tara’s as they took one step after another. “Okay, then,” Willow said carefully. “If that was the second thing, what was the first?”

Tara inhaled and braced herself. “My first impression was that she was sharp and insightful.”

Tara felt Willow’s hand tighten around her own as the redhead stopped walking. “You’re kidding, right? ‘Sharp and insightful?!’ I don’t think we’re talking about the same Faith, baby.”

Tara nodded carefully. “Maybe we’re not,” she acknowledged. “But after a glance and a sentence or two, she knew that we were together. As I recall, she said something along the lines of you ‘not driving stick’ anymore.”

Tara watched Willow’s face carefully and saw something that might have been shock settling in, and Tara thought she knew why. Willow had been so afraid of telling Buffy and her other friends about just how close she and Tara had been. When Buffy finally figured it out, according to Willow, her best friend had needed a moment to process it before firmly giving Willow her support. And to be fair, all of Willow’s friends were incredibly open and welcoming to Tara once they actually got around to knowing her.

But that wasn’t what Tara thought that Willow was worried about. If Tara had to guess, Willow was probably silently freaking out that someone she hated had figured out her true feelings for Tara so quickly when her friends who knew her better had to have it spelled out for them. Tara herself wasn’t sure what that said about Willow’s friends, now her own friends as well. All she knew was that Faith was perceptive enough to pick up on it at a glance.

And now that she’d shared that with Willow, she could tell that this wasn’t something that would just blow over in her girlfriend’s mind. “So…” Willow finally said. “That was then. What are your impression of her based on, y’know… Right now?”

Tara honestly didn’t know what was going on in Faith’s head, so she decided to say what stood out to her the most. “She brought flowers to put on the grave of the one person in the world who probably hated her more than anyone else.”

Tara and Willow didn’t speak again until they returned home, holding hands all the way. Once they arrived, Willow went straight to bed. Tara kissed her goodnight and went to brush her teeth. When she came back, she saw her girlfriend tossing and turning in the throes of what was probably either a difficult dream or a terrible nightmare. Not wanting to wake Willow, Tara quietly slipped downstairs and pulled a blanket over herself as she laid down on the sofa.

Tara didn’t know Faith, but she wanted to give the Slayer a chance. She just hoped that doing so wouldn’t drive Willow to something more extreme than she was already planning. Tara was already apprehensive about the plan, but for Willow’s sake, she’d go along with it.

If all went well, they would bring Buffy back to life none the worse for wear. _But then,_ Tara thought as she closed her eyes, _when does all go well in Sunnydale?”_


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We do need a Slayer, An,” Xander said with conviction. “That’s Buffy. You don’t know Faith like we do, and if you did-“
> 
> “Well, I don’t, Xander. All I know is that you and Willow are incredibly angry at someone who hurt you a couple of years ago. It’s been two months, and I haven’t been threatened once by Faith Lehane with anything at all. I haven’t even seen her except when she comes and goes from the training room at The Magic Box. And after the first few weeks, I started feeling safer at night knowing that someone was keeping the vampire population in check. I don’t think my feelings are the problem here, Xander."

### Chapter Three

Xander watched as Anya removed the small ceramic urn from its packaging and handed it to Willow. She and Tara were here, visiting Xander and Anya at their apartment to, presumably, examine and make sure that this particular clay pot was _the_ clay pot that they needed for their witchy spells that would do the impossible. Xander remembered a more innocent time, back when vampires and demons were impossible. Since meeting Buffy, Xander had come to realize that ‘impossible’ was merely a word to use for something that he hadn’t encountered yet.

And yes, he had committed to this idea back when it had been an impossible idea. Now that things were starting to come together, however, doubts were surfacing. Even if something was only impossible until it was done, maybe some things should stay impossible, Xander reasoned.

“And it’s genuine?” Willow asked Anya.

“Of course it is. I know my way around mystical artifacts, and I know this supplier,” Anya rebutted indignantly. “This isn’t the first time The Magic Box has stocked materials from-“

“You used a Magic Box supplier?!” Willow’s eyes were wide with alarm. “And you think Giles didn’t notice?!”

Anya rolled her eyes. “Of course he didn’t, what with his Watcher-ly duties and such. I pretty much run that store these days, and I never even looked at anything regarding the Urn of Osiris while Giles and Faith were in the back, training. It’s been two months, so I know what to look and listen for.”

Willow nodded slowly, her hands caressing the urn gently. Xander understood how Willow felt. Sunnydale had had a distinctive, Buffy-shaped hole in it for almost three months now, and Xander felt that hole in his heart, just like Willow.

Willow stood up and carefully set the urn down back in its bubble-wrapped package. “Okay, then,” she said softly. “We’re ready.”

Xander looked up and felt his heart start to pound in his chest. He’d been waiting for this. He’d wanted this. But now that it was here… “We’re ready?” he repeated, his apprehensiveness very audible.

“We’re ready,” Willow affirmed. “Tomorrow night-“

“Tomorrow?!” Xander was incredulous. “Willow, are you sure about this? I mean, what if something goes wrong?”

“Have a little…” A glower came over Willow’s face as she realized what she was about to say. Xander couldn’t blame her. Faith had stayed out of their way since she’d returned, but even so, she felt omnipresent. Willow had tried to argue with Giles to just let the Buffybot take over for the real deal, but Giles felt that there was no substitute for a real Slayer.

And Giles was right, as far as Xander was concerned. And it confused him to no end why he thought that Faith fit that description in any conceivable way. And all of that was before Xander ever considered mentioning his past with Faith to Anya. His girlfriend was more than a bit possessive, and despite having proposed to her, he wasn’t sure how she would react to the news that she, his unannounced fiancée, was not responsible for taking his virginity.

Back then… It felt like a lifetime ago. And, he supposed, it was a lifetime ago. A very specific lifetime that they were now here discussing how to bring back.

“I get how you feel, Will,” Xander said. “I feel the same way. It’s just… This is way beyond anything we’ve done before. There’s magic, and then there’s this.”

“Xander, I can do this. I’ve done my homework, I’ve gone over the rituals so many times I’ve lost count. I’m ready. _We’re_ ready.”

Xander wasn’t sure how to say it, so he just said the first thing that came to mind. “It just feels wrong.”

“It _is_ wrong,” Tara said from Anya’s left on the sofa. “It violates every part of the natural order, but we agreed to do this.”

“Yes, we did,” Anya said. “But that was before Faith came to town. Now that she’s here, do we really need Buffy back?”

Xander and Willow both rounded on Anya, and somehow Xander knew that Willow’s death glare was far more convincing than his own. “How can you say that?!” Willow said loudly, her voice just short of screaming. “We need Buffy back!”

“Do we really?” Anya said with her typical, harsh bluntness. “I thought we needed a Slayer. We have one now, alive and well and not requiring any seriously dangerous magic to resurrect. Why provoke mystical forces of this scale when we don’t need to?”

Somewhere, deep in Xander’s unconscious mind, he heard and acknowledged Anya’s logic. Despite that, all his doubts were suddenly gone. “We do need a Slayer, An,” Xander said with conviction. “That’s Buffy. You don’t know Faith like we do, and if you did-“

“Well, I don’t, Xander. All I know is that you and Willow are incredibly angry at someone who hurt you a couple of years ago. It’s been two months, and I haven’t been threatened once by Faith Lehane with anything at all. I haven’t even seen her except when she comes and goes from the training room at The Magic Box. And after the first few weeks, I started feeling safer at night knowing that someone was keeping the vampire population in check. I don’t think my feelings are the problem here, Xander. Faith hasn’t done anything to make me feel one way or the other at all. And until she does, I don’t think that we need to go through with this.”

“Faith had sex with Xander before you did,” Willow said nonchalantly. Xander felt his face flush and was torn between wanting to thank Willow and wanting to do something that would get him shot with magical lightning.

Anya was less conflicted. “We’re bringing Buffy back. Tomorrow night, you said?”

“Tomorrow night,” Willow confirmed. “Any questions?”

“Just one,” Tara said. “What about Faith? I know we’re not going to tell her what we’re doing, but she does patrol at night. What if her patrol brings her that way?”

Willow smiled at Tara, and despite knowing Willow since kindergarten, despite her being his best friend for as long as he could remember, Xander felt a chill run down his spine at that smile. “Already taken care of. Tomorrow night. You all know the place and time. Tomorrow night, we’re bringing Buffy back.”

* * *

Faith idly twirled her stake as she strolled down the streets of Sunnydale at night. There had been a bit of a commotion at first when Faith showed up at Willy’s Bar to establish herself to the local demon populace. Buffy’s death didn’t seem to be common knowledge, and Faith decided not to dispel them of the notion that the Chosen Two were both alive and kicking. A few vamps and other assorted demons still remembered Faith from her first trip to Sunnydale, and a few others remembered that she had worked for the Mayor.

Faith’s feelings about the Mayor had evolved a bit since she’d gone to prison. On one level, Faith understood that he was the bad guy, and that the crimes she’d been in prison for were done in his service. Even so, Faith couldn’t bring herself to hate him. Aside from Diana and Angel, Richard Wilkins III was the only person who ever seemed to give a damn about Faith. Yeah, she was his hitwoman, for lack of a better term, but it was more than that. He didn’t just give her a place to stay, he gave her a _really nice_ place to stay. More than that, he accepted Faith for who she was.

Faith wasn’t sure what that said about herself back then. Even knowing now that he’d been a bona fide Big Bad, even knowing all that he’d done, and even knowing on some level that if she’d never worked for him, she might never have gone to jail, Faith couldn’t hate him. If she could go back in time, maybe she’d warn herself not to be so gullible, but having once been the Faith of back then, she didn’t think that she would have listened. Nice digs and reliable food were both remarkably hard things to pass up.

Regardless of all that, Faith took more than a little pleasure out of staking a vamp who thought that she’d come back to the Dark Side. If the demon population believed Faith, then stories would spread that Buffy was tired of always being the good cop with no one to play off of. So Faith had obliged the One True Slayer and become the bad cop. Fear was a powerful tool, and fear of the wrath of two Slayers was a remarkably effective deterrent.

Faith couldn’t stop all demon activity in Sunnydale. Far from it. But she had been able to spread the word that The Magic Box and Revello Drive were no-fly zones for demon-kind, and that if even one newly-raised vamp set one toe in the general vicinity, there would be hell to pay for every single demon in Sunnydale. Four vampires decided to test Faith’s resolve on that matter the night after she’d laid down the law.

They’d been dusted quickly enough, and Faith had retaliated with a few well-placed Molotov cocktails at four randomly-selected demon dens, one for each of the offending vampires. Well, not entirely random. None of the dens were close enough to a human home that would risk catching innocents in a fire. So Faith had clarified that if anyone was so stupid as to think that there would be a next time, there wouldn’t be any such fires. It would simply be a one-woman demon extermination squad. Faith punctuated her threat with a knife thrown into the forehead of a demon in the far corner of the bar, just to be on the safe side.

Faith still patrolled near The Magic Box and the Summers home, of course, but she liked to think that she could do so with a tiny bit of peace of mind. Faith wouldn’t have given The Magic Box a second thought until she realized that Giles owned the place and that it provided him and the gang with a lot of the tools they used to fight the good fight. None of the Scooby gang was ever there whenever Faith was, save for a chick named Anya who ran the store most of the time. She and Xander were a thing, according to Giles. Faith tried her best not to bother Anya, simply giving her a nod and maybe a “S’up” when she came and went. There was no reason to go stirring up trouble where there didn’t need to be any.

Alas, trouble seemed to be the norm in Sunnydale. Faith checked her watch, which had been a gift from Giles, though he saw it more as a Slayer’s tool. It was almost midnight. The streets were quiet, and Faith looked at the intersection and realized that she was quite close to Buffy’s grave. Faith smiled and decided to pay B a visit. Faith’s trips to see Buffy weren’t frequent or regular, but she made them all the same. She felt obligated to keep her sister Slayer in the loop. It was a stupid, sentimental thing, but Faith didn’t care.

Walking past the sidewalk and into the woods that housed a number of graves, Faith continued twirling her stake idly. _Just another night in the Dale._

Without consciously thinking about it, Faith stopped walking and listened. Someone or something was coming towards her, and it was trying and failing to be stealthy about it. Not feeling like playing cat-and-mouse, Faith decided to screw common sense and walk straight at whatever it was to confront it.

Faith’s strides became wider and faster as she brushed aside branches in her path. She was no longer twirling her stake, but readying it to strike. At the same time, she was keeping her senses open, listening for heartbeats. Her downward spiral had started by accidentally staking a human, and Faith would be damned if she repeated that mistake.

As she rounded a large tree trunk, Faith felt a hard impact in her face, and then she felt herself flying backwards through the air. She landed on her back and swore. It had been a while since anyone had caught her by surprise.

“Big mistake,” Faith said as she sprung to her feet and raised her stake to strike. “You just pissed off the wrong…”

Faith could have sworn her heart stopped, despite the pounding feeling she felt in her chest. There was no way this was happening. This wasn’t possible.

Despite all reason, despite every bone in her body saying that this was wrong on every level, Faith saw her assailant, clad in the same red leather pants and black leather jacket that she’d worn when she stabbed Faith in the gut in what felt like a lifetime ago. And yet, that very life was standing silently before Faith, unsmiling, framed with blonde hair, with familiar green eyes that held Faith in a cold, dead gaze.

“Buffy?”


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And after all Faith had done to Buffy, after everything she had taken from her, Buffy deserved her revenge. So Faith dropped her stake, dropped her arms to her sides, palms facing outward, closed her eyes, and waited for Buffy to judge and condemn her.

### Chapter Five

This couldn’t be happening. Buffy was dead, wasn’t she? How could she be standing there, in those exact clothes that she had worn when she had come to kill Faith that night? Faith didn’t understand, and she recoiled in terror.

Faith could not deal with this version of Buffy in front of her. Not only was she literally dressed to kill, but she was strangely silent. Faith could not help but think that she and Buffy were both damned now. Faith was going to die at Buffy’s hands for real this time, and Buffy’s soul would be forever damaged because of it.

Faith could not let that happen, she decided.

“No.” Faith said as she shook her head, still retreating as Buffy silently advanced on her. “No, B. This isn’t you. You… That night… This is all wrong.” Faith was terrified. Everything that Faith had ever said, everything she’d ever done, and now her second chance… It was all for nothing. Buffy was here, and she was going to kill Faith.

And after all Faith had done to Buffy, after everything she had taken from her, Buffy deserved her revenge. So Faith dropped her stake, dropped her arms to her sides, palms facing outward, closed her eyes, and waited for Buffy to judge and condemn her.

Faith felt a fist collide with her face, and everything changed in an instant. Faith had fought Buffy before. Faith had been in Buffy’s body before. Faith knew how Buffy fought, how hard she hit, how her knuckles felt against Faith’s own flesh. And whatever was striking at her now was most definitely _not_ Buffy Summers.

Whatever it was that was standing in front of Faith, whatever sort of monster it was, it was meant to hurt her specifically. There was no other way to explain the outfit the thing was wearing. This monstrous thing was a perversion of everything Buffy was, everything that she stood for. The one night Buffy had actually worn this outfit, she had sought out Faith to kill her. It was sheer luck that Faith hadn’t died that night. For all that Faith had tried to get Buffy to be more like herself, Faith had since come to realize that she didn’t want Buffy to be a murderer. How often had Buffy tried to stress the difference between ‘Slayer’ and ‘killer,’ and how often had Faith ignored her?

And it was that damaged, tainted un-Buffy which stood before Faith now, and she felt a rage inside her like nothing she could remember, not that she was thinking very clearly right now.

With a primal scream of pain and hate, Faith ran towards the abomination and knocked it to the ground. She straddled its torso with her legs and began wailing on it with her fists. There was no need for words. All Faith could do was scream and shout incoherently as she beat this horrible, awful thing with every ounce of strength she possessed.

The abomination didn’t say a word, didn’t make a sound, and that was more proof of how horrible it was. Buffy always had something to say. Whether it was a snappy comeback or a biting remark, Buffy was only silent in Faith’s worst nightmares. And that was what this was: a nightmare come to life.

Faith punched the thing’s head, battering it from side to side until finally, something broke. There was a flash of sparks, and Faith stopped her assault to blink away from the sudden tiny motes of light. The thing beneath her had stopped moving.

Faith heaved in deep breaths, exhausted from her fit of rage. As she caught her breath, she examined the not-Buffy’s head carefully, her fingers prying away a bit of skin that had come loose. And underneath, Faith found metal circuits and wiring.

Faith couldn’t believe it. A robot. Someone had built a robot duplicate of Buffy, and they’d dressed it up to deliberately hurt Faith in a way that no physical weapon ever could. Somebody was going to pay for this, and Faith would make it hurt.

But that would come later. The robot had been waiting here for Faith. Here. Between her patrol routes and Buffy’s grave. Someone wanted to keep Faith away from Buffy, and whoever it was had gone about it in the vilest way that Faith could imagine.

Forcing her rage deep down inside of her, Faith steeled herself for whatever awaited her when she went to see Buffy. Faith figured that one of two groups were responsible for this. There might be a demon who had worked for the mayor trying to make a statement. Someone could have placed hidden cameras that would give a vampire or some other monster an image of Buffy from that night to throw Faith off balance.

The only other people who knew both Buffy and Faith well enough to call upon the events of that fateful night were Buffy’s friends. Faith scoffed at the thought. Anyone who thought that this was a good idea was no friend of Buffy’s, and even more definitely no friend of Faith’s.

Faith kept her footsteps quiet, careful to avoid snapping any twigs or rustling any leaves too much as she approached the most hallowed ground in this God-forsaken town.

And then something happened. Faith didn’t know what, and there was no other way to describe it. Something was happening, and Faith’s inner Slayer could feel it on some deep level, and it was wrong, so very wrong. A red glow caught Faith’s eye, and it was right where she feared it would be.

All attempts at stealth discarded, Faith ran as fast as she could. She had to get to Buffy, had to stop whatever was happening to her. Faith burst through the trees, into the small clearing that housed Buffy’s grave.

And there, looking on in shock and maybe horror, were Xander, Anya, and Tara. The subject of their fear was evident. Willow was kneeling on the ground, surrounded by a glow of blood red magical energies, her arms bleeding from cuts, though Faith couldn’t see any knives anywhere.

Faith knew just enough about magic to know that it was dangerous to interrupt, but she also knew with every fiber of her being that this particular magic was wrong on every level, and she had to stop it. She just didn’t know how.

Faith looked up again at Buffy’s friends. They seemed so transfixed on Willow that they hadn’t even noticed Faith. Faith looked down and saw a small clay pot, open to the sky, sitting on Buffy’s grave directly in front of Willow. It was probably a focus for whatever stupid, evil spell that Willow was doing for some bone-headed reason.

Faith didn’t have to think about it. She knew it was the right thing to do, so she stepped forward into the clearing, raised one foot, and brought it down on the small clay urn, smashing it to pieces.

The red energy surrounding Willow vanished, and she fell to the ground looking exhausted.

Faith took a deep breath. “I don’t know what the hell you all thought you were doing, but it’s over. Now, all of you, get out of here. I don’t wanna see any of you anywhere near here ever again. You hear me?”

Whatever figurative spell had been captivating the others was broken, and if they looked at Faith’s face, they would see a look of pure fury boiling just under the surface, ready to erupt at a moment’s provocation.

Faith turned to each of them in turn. “Anya, go back home, go back to The Magic Box, just go somewhere else, and take Xander with you. Tara, take your girl back home and get her some rest. And once you’re rested up, Willow Rosenberg,” Faith said as she looked down at the red-haired witch, sprawled on the ground, exhausted, “you and I are going to have words. Now get lost before I do something we’ll all regret.”

Anya looked mildly chastened. Xander’s face couldn’t seem to settle on shock, anger, or relief. Tara looked both sad and resolved.

Willow, on the other hand, was trying to get to her feet despite her obvious exhaustion. “You!” she snarled, and there was no doubt as to the subject of her ire. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!”

Faith shrugged. “Not exactly, but if I had to guess, I just stopped you from desecrating Buffy’s grave. So shut up, Red, and go home. One more word out of you, and you get a kick to the face, y’hear me? And this is me trying to be gentle, even if you don’t deserve it.”

Willow got up on her hands and knees and glared up at Faith. “How dare you-“

Faith cut her off with a quick strike of her boot to Willow’s jaw. Xander, Anya, and Tara were all on their feet in an instant. Anya seemed to recoil, but Xander and Tara rushed to Willow’s side, with Xander standing and facing down Faith while Tara tended to her girlfriend. Faith didn’t think much of Xander Harris, but she gave him a tiny bit of credit for having the guts to challenge her, however slightly, in the face of Faith hurting his best friend.

All the same, Faith was tired of playing games. “Don’t say I didn’t I warn you, Red. I tried not to break anything, but with the Slayer package, I dunno. Tara, get her back home, take care of her, calm her down, do whatever you have to do. The rest of you, get lost. The only reason you’re all not already dead is because B would kill me if I did. So get out of here. _Now!”_

Anya and Xander left first, probably eager to get away from an angry Slayer. Tara moved to help Willow up to her feet and give her someone to lean on. Tara looked at Faith and started to mouth some words, but whatever she might want to say wouldn’t come.

Faith took a deep breath and exhaled with a sigh. “Go on, then,” Faith said far more gently. Something on Tara’s face spoke to Faith. It almost looked like the blonde witch wanted to apologize, but Faith didn’t know her well enough to say. Regardless, Tara did right by Willow and helped her limp out of the woods.

Once Faith was sure that the Scoobies were gone, she crouched down and started to clear the clay debris from Buffy’s resting place. But when Faith brought her fingers out of the dirt, they were wet with something other than dew. Faith looked at her fingers and saw blood staining them.

Looking closer at the grave, Faith’s fears were confirmed. Buffy’s friends – her _friends_ of all people – had gone out of their way to defile Buffy’s grave. Faith did not understand, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to understand.

And then the mild night breeze stopped, and everything was suddenly still and silent, and it didn’t feel natural. Faith felt a wave of something she couldn’t explain pass over and under her. Faith looked at the soil beneath her feet and followed the feeling of this wave as it passed through Buffy’s grave until Faith found herself staring at the tombstone she’d been avoiding all this time.

Buffy Anne Summers  
1981 – 2001  
Beloved Sister  
Devoted Friend  
She Saved The World A Lot

And then there was a gasp for air. Faith took a moment and realized that it wasn’t her. She listened, put all her concentration into her hearing, and she heard it. Someone was gasping in pure terror…

And it was coming from approximately six feet directly beneath where Faith was standing.

Faith didn’t have anything resembling a digging tool on her hands, so she did the only thing she could. She got on her knees and started grabbing one fistful of grass and dirt after another, clawing her way through the ground. Buffy was literally buried alive, and Faith had to get her out. It was that simple and that desperate.

So Faith kept digging. Time must have been passing, but Faith didn’t notice. She couldn’t notice. Her entire world right now was getting to Buffy and saving her from what had to feel like a claustrophobic prison cell buried in the earth.

Minutes passed. Hours. Adrenaline kept Faith going, digging as fast as she could, throwing dirt up and out of the grave without care for where it landed, so long as it didn’t come back to cover up what had yet to emerge.

Faith clawed and clawed through soil until finally, she felt her fingertips touch something solid and smooth. Standing up, Faith brushed the remaining dirt back towards her and away from the tombstone.

“I’m coming for you, B!” Faith called to her sister Slayer. “Hang tight! I’m gonna get you out of there.”

Looking for whichever side of the coffin held the hinges, Faith finally found what might be a grip for a lid, and with all of her Slayer’s strength, she ripped the top of the coffin up and out of the grave.

And there she was. Buffy was there in her black burial dress, her eyes wide with shock and fear.

Faith smiled and felt a warmth spread though her body as she reached down with her right hand. “Come on, Buffy. Let’s get you out of there.”

Buffy didn’t speak, didn’t make a single sound. Unlike the robot abomination, Faith understood on some very distant level that this was very much the real Buffy Summers, and she was in shock after being literally brought back from the dead. Faith had no idea what was going through Buffy’s head right now, but she resolved to everything she could to help her.

As much as Faith wanted to take Buffy back to her own home, that wasn’t an option. Willow and Tara were there, and whatever they’d done…

And then it hit Faith. They had done this. Buffy’s friends, Willow chief among them, did this. Willow brought Buffy back, and Faith felt like a knife made of ice had pierced her heart. Buffy was back, but only through some vile, incomprehensible means. _Willow, what did you _do_ to her?!_

This was not like a video game, where after one life was spent, the character just popped back up, ready to go again. This was going from alive to dead and back, and Faith could only imagine what that journey must have done to Buffy.

“Giles,” she said aloud. “We’ll go to Giles. He’ll be able to help. He has to. Come on, B. It’s all right. I’ve got you.”

Buffy didn’t speak, but she did nod her head. It was just the slightest movement, and it might have been her shaking from the shock of everything, but Faith held Buffy close and helped her out of the grave, and then held her up with one arm to support her as they walked in the light of the rising sun across town towards Giles’s apartment.

“Giles will help. ‘Til then, I’ve got you, B. I’ve got you.” Faith couldn’t believe this. Buffy was back, but most likely at a cost that Faith couldn’t imagine. She’d read enough comics and seen enough TV to know that this kind of thing never ended well. All the same, Buffy Summers was alive again, and Faith was going to help her out as best she could.

She just prayed that it would be enough.


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faith froze. She didn’t know what Buffy would feel about her. The last time Faith had seen Buffy before all of this, B had been full of righteous fury and was glad to see Faith put behind bars. Just before that, she’d made it clear how much she wanted to punish Faith for all the pain that Faith had inflicted on her. So Faith wasn’t sure if her own eyes held fear, joy, remorse, some mixture of all of that, or something else entirely. And even if that’s what Buffy might have seen before, what would she see now after what had to have been an unimaginable ordeal?
> 
> For her part, Buffy just looked at Faith without judgment, without anger, without joy, without sadness, without anything that Faith could read on her face. Buffy just looked at her, and Faith had no clue what was going on inside Buffy’s head.

### Chapter Six

Faith held Buffy close as they made their way through the small courtyard until they ended up at Giles’s front door. “We’re here now. Giles is just inside. He’s gonna take care of you, B. That’s what he does, okay?”

Buffy didn’t respond, at least not with words. Her eyes weren’t as wide with panic as they had been, but she still hadn’t spoken. Faith couldn’t blame her. She literally could not imagine what Buffy was going through right now, and all she could do was get her to the closest thing to family that wasn’t living with the idiots who had raised her from the dead.

Faith knocked on Giles’s door softly. She had a key, but she didn’t want to move too much and risk Buffy falling down. She wanted to pound on the door and scream for him to open up, but she had Buffy to think about. Dying and coming back wasn’t like the flu. It wasn’t something you just got over, or if it was, then it shouldn’t be.

Faith finally heard Giles coming down the stairs to the door, and she turned to Buffy. “Okay, B. Don’t be scared now. It’s just Giles coming to get the door, okay? He’ll treat you right, just like always.”

The door opened. “Can I help…” he said, trailing off as he took in the sight of both Slayers standing at his doorstep. “Faith, what are you doing with…” Whatever Giles was about to say, his voice seemed to die after a moment’s glance.

“Not a robot,” Faith said softly, guessing that Giles was aware of the thing’s existence.

“Dear Lord,” he managed as he took a step outside. “Buffy?”

“She’s in shock, Giles,” Faith said as patiently and as quietly as she could. “Buffy needs family right now. She needs _you._”

Thankfully, Giles was quick on the uptake. “Of course. Buffy,” he said with such warmth that it hurt. Nobody had ever talked to Faith like that. Nobody except the Mayor, and Faith was still processing what that was all about.

Giles held Buffy gently by the shoulders and carefully led her inside. Faith followed at what she hoped was a respectful distance and closed the door behind her.

“I’m here for you, Buffy,” Giles said as he sat himself and his Slayer down on the couch that served as Faith’s bed. “Whatever you need, for however long, you’ll have it.”

The way Buffy looked at Giles… It was so subtle, but it was there. She was still in shock, but she’d registered that yes, it was Giles holding her, offering her aid. She was starting to recognize familiar faces and places, and Faith could only hope that was a good sign.

“Um…” Buffy’s voice was hesitant and quiet, as if she felt that she was intruding and wasn’t sure of herself. “I think… Can I just sleep? For a bit?”

Faith had to turn away. She couldn’t let Buffy see her face. She was alive, thank God! But that didn’t mean that she was all right, no way in hell. Whatever had happened, Buffy had made it through, but the journey hadn’t been smooth. Faith didn’t know what the trip had been like, or what was at the other end where Buffy had come from, but nobody handled rapid change well on a normal day. And this…

Faith wanted to be happy that Buffy was back. She wanted to leap up and down and cry out with joy, and screw anyone who mocked her for it. Yes, Buffy was back, but she wasn’t okay, and she might _never_ be okay. Faith stopped herself from laughing at an unfunny thought. All this time, Faith had thought that Willow was the smart one in Buffy’s circle of friends, and yet she’d gone and done something so horrifically stupid that it just didn’t make sense.

Faith had never been an expert in magic, and she probably never would be. Most of her knowledge of resurrection came from comic books and TV shows, but she knew that there was always a price to be paid. Miracles never came cheap, and Buffy’s obvious shock was proof of that. Beyond that source of ‘knowledge’ were the instincts that came with being a Slayer. People were born, and then they died. If they were unlucky, they came back as undead, and then a Slayer put them down for good. That path was supposed to go only one way.

Faith had heard the story about Buffy’s first death, which had ultimately led to Faith being called to slay. That was something different. Being brought back with CPR was something that had happened to tons of people over the years, and if hospital dramas were to be believed, there were other ways to bring back someone who was only ‘mostly dead.’ What Willow had done, on the other hand…

Faith heard movement and turned around, pulled out of her thoughts for the moment. Giles was helping Buffy to the stairs, presumably to lend her his bed. Buffy put one foot up the stairs and turned her head to look straight at Faith.

Faith froze. She didn’t know what Buffy would feel about her. The last time Faith had seen Buffy before all of this, B had been full of righteous fury and was glad to see Faith put behind bars. Just before that, she’d made it clear how much she wanted to punish Faith for all the pain that Faith had inflicted on her. So Faith wasn’t sure if her own eyes held fear, joy, remorse, some mixture of all of that, or something else entirely. And even if that’s what Buffy might have seen before, what would she see now after what had to have been an unimaginable ordeal?

For her part, Buffy just looked at Faith without judgment, without anger, without joy, without sadness, without anything that Faith could read on her face. Buffy just looked at her, and Faith had no clue what was going on inside Buffy’s head.

And then she turned back to look ahead and let Giles lead her up the stairs. The moment passed, and Faith let out a breath that she hadn’t realized she had been holding. And now that she was alone, Faith began to doubt herself. Did she do the right thing? Was there even a right thing that could be done in a situation like this? Faith had done what she thought she had to do, but then again, she’d always done that, and she’d ended up in her own personal living hell as a result. ‘The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.’ That was another lesson that Faith had learned from the prison’s priest, whatever his name had been.

Just as Faith was starting to sink into a dark mental place, Giles came back downstairs and somehow broke the figurative spell. Faith was at his side in an instant. “How is she?”

Giles took off his glasses and started to clean them with a dry handkerchief. “I can’t really say. She’s resting at the moment, but other than that, I have no idea. I need you to tell me what happened, Faith. I need to understand what Buffy’s been through.”

Faith felt her heartbeat start to quicken. “I don’t know, Giles. I mean, traumatic much? Obviously. Girl came back from the dead. How do I know what that trip is like? I mean, I gotta imagine that it’s a real hard road to go down. I mean, that’s supposed to be a one-way trip, right? As much as I’m glad she’s back… She shouldn’t be here, should she? Shouldn’t she be… I dunno? Resting in peace?”

“She most definitely should, and I’m very pleased that you understand that,” Giles said sharply.

Faith recoiled and held up her hands defensively. “Hey, man, I’m not the bad guy here. And I’m not stupid either. I may not have finished high school or anything like that, but I know what’s what about at least some stuff, and I gotta tell you, you got it all wrong if you think _I’m_ the stupid one. I’m not the one who brought Buffy back.”

Giles leaned back against the rear of the sofa. “You sound like you have an idea as to who’s responsible.”

Faith nodded, clicking her tongue. “How do I put this? Three lesser conspirators with one kingpin at the top? Willow was channeling some major mojo at Buffy’s grave, and it felt wrong. I wanna give you more to go with, but that’s all I got. Xander, Anya, and Tara were also there, so I’m guessing they helped to jump-start whatever went down, but it was Red who was doing the heavy lifting.”

Giles opened and closed his mouth a few times, obviously at a loss for words. He eventually just sighed and hung his head. “You were right, Faith. Again, I suppose I should say.”

Faith nodded, trying not to rub it in. “About what?” she asked carefully.

“I never imagined that Willow would… Of all the arrogant, wrong-headed, _stupid_ things she could have possibly done…”

“Giles! Chill!” Faith hissed carefully. “Buffy, remember? Let’s try not to shock her any more than she already is, right?”

Giles looked at Faith as if seeing her for the first time. “You really do care about her.”

Faith smiled at Giles, not sure whether this was funny or not. He sounded so surprised at the notion. Then again, Faith had never given him reason to understand before. “Why do you think I brought her here? Yeah, I want what’s best for her. Right now, that’s you. Like I said, I’m not stupid.”

“Clearly not,” Giles said, and Faith sensed a newfound, genuine respect in his voice. Faith wasn’t sure if she should feel as happy as she did, but she felt good all the same. “Was there anything else of note?” he asked. “During your patrol, that is?”

“Funny you should ask,” Faith said as she leaned forward against the kitchen counter. “You know anything about a robot by any chance? One that does a mean impression of Buffy? You did a double-take before you caught that it was really her at the door, so I’m guessing you do know about it?”

Giles cleared his throat. “Um, yes. Originally, it was meant as a… As a… Spike had it made. For his… Indulgences.”

Faith blinked a few times, as if to clear away the confusion by doing so. “Spike? As in William the Bloody who has a chip in his skull? And he has a thing for B?”

“Apparently so,” Giles said, clearly uncomfortable with the topic. “The Buffybot, as we took to calling it, was also programmed to fight like Buffy. We used it as a distraction during the fight against Glory. Willow wanted to use it to pretend that Buffy was still alive. She was, um… Convinced that it would be just as effective as…”

“As bringing back the convicted felon, I’m guessing?” Faith said.

“Yes.” Giles looked a little bit guilty, and Faith felt glad that he did. “The last I saw of the machine, Willow was keeping it at the Summers house. Dawn seemed to find it a comfort. It was only a poor approximation, but-“

“Closest thing she had to her big sis, I get it,” Faith said. “So, Willow had the bot. Willow who lives at Buffy’s house. Where all of Buffy’s clothes are?”

“Yes. Why do you ask? What happened with the Buffybot, exactly?”

Faith probably should have spilled everything, but she didn’t. “Saw it on patrol, thought it was weird, wanted to ask about it.”

“Ah. Well, I’m glad that’s all it was.”

“Yeah,” Faith said, wheels turning in her head. “I’m gonna go for a run, okay? Get some fresh air, clear my head? Get some distance from all this weirdness, just for a bit?”

Giles nodded. “Of course, Faith. Do you need anything else?”

“You just worry about Buffy,” Faith said as her thoughts got darker. “I’ll be fine. Know exactly the path to take for a nice morning jog.”

* * *

Faith knocked twice on the front door of 1630 Revello Drive. She hoped that whoever it was that answered the door, it wouldn’t be Dawn. The kid should be in school right now, but kids sometimes did stupid things. Today, however, skipping school wouldn’t register a disapproving finger wag if Faith had any say in such things.

So it was a bit of a relief when Tara answered the door. “F-faith!” she stammered out. She was probably wary of Faith after how she’d reacted last night, but her gaze quickly shifted to the object that Faith had hanging over her left shoulder. “What are you doing with the Buffybot? How did it even get out of the house?”

“You don’t know?” Faith asked, genuinely curious.

Tara shook her head. “No. The last I remember, Willow was doing some work on it, but that was a while back. Is everything okay? I-I mean, no. Things aren’t okay. I shouldn’t have gone along with it. It went against everything I know to be right, and I’m sorry, a-and I’m honestly not sure what that has to do with the Buffybot?”

Faith’s ability to read people had been a significant part of how she’d managed to stay alive this long, so she accepted Tara’s words at face value. “I believe you. Mind if I come in?”

Tara stepped aside and held the door open. As she moved inside, Faith mentally gave Tara credit for not giving her any sort of formal invitation. The sun might be high in the sky, but getting sloppy would get you dead anywhere in the world. The Hellmouth was just an added incentive to stay on one’s guard.

Faith sat the Buffybot down on the couch, and took a bit of care to prop it up and place the hands in its lap, making it look nice and proper.

“So, Tara, is Willow around?”

“She is,” Tara said carefully. “I don’t think that she wants to see you, though.” Faith noticed Tara’s voice hardening, deepening. She was protecting her girlfriend, and Faith had to give her props for that. “Willow’s a mess because of last night, and while you’re responsible, I’m not blaming you for anything,” Tara said with a strange combination of hesitance and resolve.

Faith arched an eyebrow. “Oh? How am I responsible? I’m guessing the spell I interrupted was kind of a big deal to her?”

Tara nodded. “It was, and I should have stopped her before we all went ahead with it, but I didn’t, and I’m honestly rather relieved that you had the courage to stop it when I didn’t. As for what it was meant to do…” Tara sighed, and Faith could tell that she was really torn up over this. “It was meant to bring Buffy back. Back to life, that is.”

Faith nodded. “And Willow blames me for keeping her best bud in the ground. I get it. And normally, I would give her all the space she needs for as long as she needs it, but I _need_ to see her. Y’see, what you all did last night… You were right, Tara. It was dumb, it was stupid, and it was just plain wrong. But you realized that, even if it’s too late, so I gotta give you a tiny bit of credit for that. Willow… She did more than just that spell. The spell, she tried to do something to Buffy. That’s not why I’m here. I want her to answer for what she did to me.”

Tara’s face looked like it might have been confused, so Faith decided to interject and make things clear. “Look, Tara. You’ve been better to me than I deserve, and I’m grateful, really. But Willow needs to understand that she crossed a line, and I’m not talking about that spell. I’m going to be having a word with her, Tara. Please don’t make me go through you.”

Faith could have threatened Tara if she wanted to. She’d had years to learn how to be incredibly inventive with threats of force. And she _would_ steamroll right over Tara if she had to, but that would be an absolute last resort. Faith didn’t want to go back to jail, and she didn’t want to do anything that would take her back there, even if she knew she wouldn’t get caught.

Thankfully, Tara seemed to get that Faith was serious. “Wait here. I’ll go get her, but please give me a bit of time to calm her down first. I don’t want either of you to do something anyone will regret.”

“No problem, and thanks a bunch,” Faith said, and she meant it. Tara and Willow were so different from each other. Tara was gentle and understanding, but strong in that way that Faith still couldn’t pin down. Willow, on the other hand… Faith didn’t know when it had happened, but somewhere down the line, Willow had started down a path that Faith was all too familiar with. Faith wasn’t Angel, however, and she didn’t know how to talk Willow out of what might be the end of her if she wasn’t careful.

And Faith didn’t like what she was about to do, because it wasn’t for the right reasons, but she was too angry and too hurt to give a damn.

Faith heard footsteps coming down the stairs, so she crossed her arms under her breast and adopted her ‘intimidation stance’ as she liked to call it.

It took a few minutes longer than Faith had hoped, but Tara came back into view, followed by Willow. “You,” Willow said in a cold, dark tone. That one word felt like it embodied all of Willow’s hatred for Faith. “What do you want?”

“What do I want?” Faith repeated. “I want to not be here, not having to do this, but before I leave here, _you_ are going to explain _that.”_ Faith said, gesturing to the Buffybot on the sofa. “I already told you that I was wrong, but I didn’t know the half of it. I was _never,_ not in a million years, going to be anywhere near as efficient at hurting people as you are, Red. So before I leave, you’re going to explain to me what you were or were not thinking when you decided to sic that thing on me.”

Willow wasn’t looking angry anymore. She looked scared. Not for her safety, it couldn’t be. After what Faith had seen last night, she didn’t want to pick a fight to the death with Willow. No, Willow was scared about being confronted with what she’d done. And she was right to be afraid.

“Baby, what is she talking about?” Tara asked.

And there it was. Willow actually _wasn’t_ afraid of being confronted with what she’d done. At least, not if she was alone. In her mind, she was probably in the right. But deep down, Willow knew that she’d done wrong, and she didn’t want Tara to see that side of her. On the one hand, Faith didn’t want to drag Tara into this, but on the other hand, if she was going to be dating Willow, then she needed to know what her girlfriend was capable of. Plus, Willow had hurt her, and Faith was so angry that she wasn’t very particular at the moment with how she hurt Willow back.

“Giles told me about the bot,” Faith said. “Where it came from, what you wanted to do with it before I came along,” Faith said. “And I get that you wanted to keep me away from your horrific idiocy last night, so you set a robot to keep me out of the way. I get all that. What I _don’t_ get is the wardrobe. And the hair. And the makeup. Doesn’t it look just a teensy bit familiar, Red?”

Willow was opening and closing her mouth, unable to answer because she knew how awful the truth was and how it would seem to Tara.

“Tara,” Faith said, choosing her words and her tone carefully. “I heard that after Buffy died, before I got here, when you went out patrolling, Willow would… I dunno… Talk to you all with her brain or something? Can you do that? Scratch that. I don’t need you to talk to me. But can you watch and listen to what I’m thinking if I think it real clear at you?”

Willow was at Tara’s side immediately. “Baby, don’t!”

“What is she talking about, Willow?” Tara asked. Faith could tell that the blonde witch was taking her seriously, and the fact that she was willing to do so at all meant a lot to Faith. “What does that outfit have to do with anything?”

“She could tell you,” Faith said more smugly than she probably should have. At the moment, she didn’t care. “But the truth can be an ugly thing. For your own sake, Tara, if you want to keep dating your girl here, you should have an idea of what she’s capable of when she’s pissed.”

Now Tara looked frightened. “Baby, what _is_ she talking about?”

“She won’t tell you,” Faith said. “She can’t. If it was just me here, she could yell at me and shout and scream all she wanted, but with you here… She doesn’t want you to see the sides of her that you don’t see when you’re making love or taking care of Lil’ D. And I really don’t want to split you two apart just to spite you. But I’m owed for what she did to me, and if she won’t fess up, then the least I can do is make sure you know what you’re consenting to.”

Tara turned to look at Willow and saw her girlfriend’s pale, fearful face. “Faith,” Tara said at last. “If you project it clear enough, with enough intent… I should be able to see it and hear it.”

“No!” Willow shouted. “Tara, please!”

“Why are you so scared, Willow?” Tara half-sobbed. “What is it about that black jacket, those red pants, that specific outfit, that you’re so scared I’ll know about?”

“The long and short of it, Tara,” Faith said, “Is that those are the exact clothes that Buffy wore when she almost became a murderer. Do you want to know who she set out to kill when she put on those clothes? What she said and did when she found her target? Let me show you.”

And the memories came rushing back, clear as day, never forgotten. Only now, this time, Faith had company as she relived the night when Buffy Summers paid Faith a visit with m


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faith stopped and looked at Buffy as if the other Slayer was missing something. “You know you’re not gonna take me alive.”
> 
> Tara knew Buffy Summers. She’d been Willow’s best friend, she’d protected Tara from her abusive blood relations, and she’d given literally given her life to save the world.
> 
> So when Tara saw and heard this vivid memory of Buffy say, “Not a problem,” Tara suddenly felt cold all over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains dialog between Buffy and Faith from the 21st episode of Season Three: Graduation Day, Part I. I did not write this dialog, and I take no credit for it.

### Chapter Seven

Tara had listened in on thoughts before. Not often, but when Willow was helping to coordinate the team’s slaying, or when the two of them were sharing themselves with each other in the most intimate way imaginable. This was something entirely different.

The apartment was so real, so solid and bright and vivid. A quick glance to her left revealed Willow standing next to her, eyes still wide with fear.

“Faith?” Tara called out to the empty room. “A-are you there?”

Suddenly, an arm was around her shoulder, and Faith was there, standing between Tara and Willow, one arm wrapped around each of them. “Welcome to a day in the life of Faith. I’m sorry if it isn’t as clear as you’d like, but it’s been a while, and there was a coma, and prison, and time passes, but I like to think I remember this particular night pretty well.”

“You’d have to,” Willow said quietly. Tara knew exactly what Willow meant. Projected thoughts tended to take shape in abstracts. Things were fluid and changing, like a dream. To have a memory this solid and clear… It had to be something incredibly significant, and Tara realized that Faith was sharing one of her most important memories with her.

Faith turned to look at Willow. “Have to say, I only meant to show Tara, here, but s’long as you’re here, Red, maybe you’ll get a little perspective.”

“I can’t shut you out,” Willow said, and Tara could hear the panic in her voice. “It’s so intense.”

Faith nodded. “Yee-up. And this is just a still image of the room with nobody home. At least, I think it is? I’ve never been magic-girl or anything, so I’m not even sure how this works, but let’s give it a try. I’ll try to skip the boring bits, pause right before the fun begins, and here we go. Let’s press ‘Play.’”

In the memory, Faith was lying on her stomach on a large, blue-sheeted bed, swinging her legs in the air idly as she snacked on a Twizzler and read a comic book.

“Welcome to my Evil Lair,” present-Faith said with an exaggerated wiggle of her eyebrows. “Oh, don’t get me wrong. I did a lot of awful stuff. What you’re seeing right now is the ‘why.’ I could show you where I was staying before the Mayor set me up here, but it probably wouldn’t be as clear, and it wasn’t really that nice a place anyway. What do you suppose twenty-bucks a night, give or take, gets you in this town? Food for thought.

“And now you see the _eee-vil_ Faith, snacking on candy and reading comics. For the record, I don’t really remember what the comic book was about. I didn’t get very far, as we’re about to see.”

Tara didn’t realize that loud music had been playing in the room until it suddenly stopped. Faith of the past looked towards the stereo and Tara followed her gaze.

And standing there was Buffy, wearing the exact same outfit that the Buffybot was currently attired in on the couch back at home.

“Thought I’d stop by,” Buffy said quietly, conversationally.

Past-Faith spun around to face Buffy and sat up on the bed. “Is he dead yet?”

The Faith with an arm around Tara’s shoulder leaned over to look at her. “Okay, before we go further, a quick recap for those who weren’t there. You ever hear about Angel, Tara?”

Tara wasn’t quite sure what to make of all this. Faith’s control over this memory was so strong that the memory had paused itself as if by Faith’s will so that she could talk to Tara. “I know a little bit about him.”

“Right. Well, before I came to town, he and B were an item. There was some serious baggage there that I wasn’t around for, and I probably should’ve read up on that beforehand. But, that’s not why we’re here. At this moment in time, the Mayor wants to ascend into a pure demon. A giant snake from what he told me. I never really knew why he thought that would bring order to Sunnydale. I mean, how does a gigantic snake hold town hall meetings, anyway?”

Tara wasn’t entirely sure, but it sounded like Faith had to process this memory herself as much as she had said she wanted to share it. It was very evidently a seriously potent memory, but something about Faith’s words told Tara that the slayer hadn’t entirely processed the ramifications of these events, despite remembering them so clearly.

“Point is,” Faith resumed, “B was a threat to him, so he needed her out of the way. Angel was a big deal for her, so I said to the boss, ‘We take Angel out of the game, Buffy freaks, you win.’ Full disclosure: the Mayor was a bad dude, and if I could go back and do this all over… Well, wishes and horses and all that. In the end, this has already happened, can’t be changed no matter how much it should be.”

Tara noticed that Faith hadn’t actually said one way or the other if she really would do things differently or not. The answer was probably a complicated one, as Faith was turning out to be a much more complex person than any of the stories had made her out to be.

Without warning, the memory resumed. “He’s not gonna die,” Buffy said, her arms crossed in a distinctively confrontational pose. “It was a good try, though. Your plan?”

“Uh-huh,” Faith-of-the-past said. “Mayor got me the poison. Said it was wicked painful.” Tara saw the satisfied smirk of past-Faith and tried as hard as she could to reconcile it with the woman sharing this memory. Tara had to conclude that she just didn’t know enough about Faith at any point in her life to judge, and that wasn’t even taking into account that Tara generally didn’t like to judge others.

“For the record,” Faith-of-the-now chimed in, “that particular poison wasn’t my idea. I never went to Hogwarts. Hell, I dropped out of high school about as fast as I could. The mayor said that if I wanted to take Angel out of the picture, this was the way. I didn’t ask a lot of questions. Lesson learned since then.”

Buffy stood, unsmiling, staring down her fellow Slayer. “There’s a cure.”

“Damn.” Past-Faith seemed only mildly upset, as if she’d missed a TV show she’d wanted to watch. “What is it?”

Buffy didn’t blink as she laid out the stakes. “Your blood.”

Now Past-Faith was crossing her arms across her chest, and she wasn’t smiling anymore.

“As justice goes,” Buffy continued, “it’s not un-poetic, dontcha think?”

“Come to get me?” past-Faith said, stepping closer to Buffy. “You gonna feed me to Angel?”

Faith stopped and looked at Buffy as if the other Slayer was missing something. “You know you’re not gonna take me alive.”

Tara knew Buffy Summers. She’d been Willow’s best friend, she’d protected Tara from her abusive blood relations, and she’d given literally given her life to save the world.

So when Tara saw and heard this vivid memory of Buffy say, “Not a problem,” Tara suddenly felt cold all over.

It wasn’t as shocking, but it was informative, when past-Faith actually _smiled_ at Buffy’s murderous resolve. “Well, look at you! All dressed up in big sister’s clothes.”

“Aaand, pause.”

Tara turned to look at the Faith of today, and she was no longer wrapping her arms around either Tara or Willow. She was pacing, examining the scene that was playing out before them. She turned back around to face Tara and Willow. “I never really understood that part, gotta admit. Buffy always was the big sis. She always wore big sister’s clothes. Kinda came with being a big sis. That always bugged me, why I said that...”

Tara risked a sideways glance at Willow, and they didn’t need to speak or share thoughts to know what the other was thinking. Somehow, Faith had made a comment in passing about Dawn’s existence before the Key had ever been given human form. Faith seemed to remember Dawn, just like they all did, but this memory playing out in front of them predated all of that. Were Faith and Dawn connected somehow?

If Faith had any inkling about the significance of what she’d just shared, she didn’t show it. “Anyway, moving on,” Faith said. “Let’s resume, shall we?”

Buffy uncrossed her arms and stepped forward into the open area of Faith’s apartment. “You told me I was just like you,” Buffy said. She and past-Faith circled each other until they stood face-to-face in the center of the room. “That I was holding it in,” Buffy continued.

Past-Faith was smiling. “Ready to cut loose?”

Buffy’s face showed nothing but grim resolve. “Try me.”

Past-Faith seemed nonplussed. “Okay then.”

The air was thick with tension as the two Slayers faced off.

Then past-Faith tilted her head to one side and smiled a bit strangely. “Give us a kiss.”

Buffy replied with a punch to Faith’s face, and Faith returned the favor. They each assumed a combat stance, and then the fight was on.

“Okay, now we gotta skip a few bits and pieces,” present-Faith said as she paused the memory. “Situational awareness is all well and good for a fight in the heat of the moment, but it does tend to fade after a while. Anyway, the punches, the kicks, the cuts and bruises… That’s just gravy. It’s not the meat of this story. We traded some blows, I think Buffy handcuffed us together for a bit? Probably happened, but not important in the grand scheme of things. Let’s cut to the next big deal.”

The scene shifted to Buffy holding Faith in a position that very well might have involved handcuffs, but the memory of the handcuffs either wasn’t clear enough or else wasn’t relevant enough to take shape. “What’s the matter?” Buffy said to Faith. “All that killing and you’re afraid to die?”

“Now this part, I’ve had a lot of time to think about,” Faith said as she regarded her past self. “Buffy took two swings and two misses right there. First strike, she talked down to me in that holier-than-thou way of hers. Obviously, the holier-than-thou thing is true, just more literally than what you’re seeing here. Strike two was misreading me by a mile. I can’t remember if I was ever afraid to die. Funny thing about death… It’s not so scary if you don’t have a ton to live for.”

In that moment, Tara felt like she might be able to understand Faith Lehane. For so many years, Tara had thought that she was worthless. Worse than that, she’d felt that she was dangerous, that she was evil. All her life, her flesh and blood – not her family anymore – had told Tara that she was something to be feared and to be put down like a rabid dog if she ever got ‘out of control.’ Willow and Buffy and all of their friends had stepped in to save Tara from her trauma.

_And Willow and Buffy and all of their friends had never stepped in to save Faith._ The thought hit Tara like an eighteen-wheeler, but it made so much sense, and it put her limited experiences with Faith into new context. And all of Willow’s horror stories about everything that Faith had done… Tara thought she might understand why Faith had done those things. It didn’t excuse her misdeeds, and it didn’t absolve Faith in any way, but maybe if that understanding had come sooner, and if it had come to Willow and Buffy and the others, then maybe Faith might not have ever needed absolution.

The memory began to play again. Faith and Buffy were out on the balcony. The two were standing a few feet apart, each of them holding a weapon. Faith held a pipe that might have fallen from some construction work. The area looked like it might have been undergoing renovation.

The knife in Buffy’s hand was curved and jagged and somehow elegant. The shine of the blade, the color of the hilt, the way Buffy’s hand held the dagger… This was important. The whole memory was obviously important to Faith to come through this clearly, but either this moment or that dagger were of even greater importance.

Past-Faith saw the knife, and for the first time since the memory began, she looked truly angry. “That’s mine.”

Buffy seemed less sure of herself as she replied, “You’re about to get it back.”

“Okay, time for a little more context,” present-Faith said, jumping in front of Tara and Willow. “This moment here, with Buffy holding my knife… Lemme ask you both a question. How many things in your life have you ever been able to call ‘yours?’ Doesn’t matter if it’s clothes, stuffed animals, maybe a backpack, anything you can think of… Can you name every single thing in your life that you’ve truly possessed? That’s been undeniably yours, that even if someone took it away from you, you could call it stolen, because it belonged to you, because it was _yours?”_

Tara understood. “I couldn’t count everything I’ve ever had. But I imagine you probably can.”

Faith looked at Tara and smiled. It was a warm, genuine expression that reached all the way to her eyes, and the effect was astounding. “Points to you, Tara. I confess that there’s not a ton of competition, but you just may be the most decent person I’ve ever met. Red’s lucky to have you. That is, if she does have you. Do you two belong to each other? Are you that committed? If so, you’ve got something precious. At least, that’s what I’m guessing. In all honesty, not a lot of experience with all that over here.”

Tara suddenly felt very self-conscious. Faith had chosen to share an important memory with her, but now it was more than that. Faith was confiding in her. If Tara didn’t know better, she’d guess that Faith was putting trust in her. Tara didn’t feel she’d done anything to earn that privilege, but she’d honor it as best she could, regardless.

Faith was still looking at Tara, as if she was assessing her. “All right. So, we’re just about at the grand finale. You girls ready?”

Tara wasn’t ready, but she didn’t think that Faith was looking for a literal answer. And the memory resumed.

Somewhere in the struggle, Faith lost her pipe, and then she and Buffy were up on the edge of the building, overlooking the street below. They were each gripping the others’ arms, trying to hold each other at bay.

Faith looked down, then back at Buffy. “Man, am I gonna miss this.”

“One final pause,” present-Faith said. “So, this has been a movie theater experience, but you ever hear about those arcade machines? The whole virtual reality thing? You put on a mask and immerse yourself? You can’t see or hear the world around you, just the game? I’ve been showing you all this from the bleachers, but is it possible I can give you the full package? Put on the mask, the headphones, shut out yourselves and see through my eyes, hear through my ears, feel what I feel? Can you do that?”

“Please don’t.”

The frightened whisper came from Willow. Willow, who had been silent for almost all of this. Willow who had a deep-seated grudge against Faith.

Willow, her Willow, who was too scared of the truth to tell it to Tara, thus paving the way for where she now found herself.

Tara turned back to Faith. “The memory has to be clear and strong, which I can tell it is. You have to be willing to share, which you are. And the other party has to be willing. This much, right now, we can both see and hear because your thoughts are so strong and your memories so clear. What you’re asking for requires… More.”

Faith nodded without any judgment. “I get that. And I gotta warn you, if you choose to do this, it will hurt.”

Tara felt Willow tugging at her sleeve. “Baby, please! You don’t have to do this!”

“I know, Willow. I know that I don’t.” Tara took a deep breath and took her time exhaling. “But I’m going to do it anyway.”

Tara turned to Faith, bracing herself. But nothing happened. Faith just stood there. “You’re sure, Tara?”

The fact that Faith was showing this much consideration for her… Tara wondered just how true all of the horror stories really were, and how much had become exaggerated in the telling and the remembering.

“I’m sure.”

Tara felt her world shift. She was in a new body, new clothes, feeling cuts and bruises all over her body, but she also felt strong and alive in a way she had never imagined. She knew that she was standing on precarious ground, and she could feel her arms, so strong, struggling to hold Buffy at bay. Buffy, in that black jacket, and in those red pants, like the Buffybot in another life…

Buffy who moved so suddenly and pierced Tara’s gut with a knife that by all rights should have been hers. Tara wanted to scream from the pain, but she couldn’t. She was merely a passenger in this memory. The same Buffy that had stabbed her now yanked the knife out and let Tara begin to bleed out. Tara’s eyes found Buffy’s, and she saw the shock slowly spread over the blonde Slayer’s face as the reality of what she had just done set in.

Tara felt herself smile as she looked at Buffy. “You did it.”

She knocked Buffy back away from her and to the ground.

Tara found herself looking at her wound and smiling suggestively at Buffy. “You killed me.”

Despite everything awful happening around her, Tara suddenly felt awash in a storm of emotions. Only she didn’t, really. This was a memory of Faith’s emotions, and Faith was feeling both joy and fear. For so long, Faith had wanted Buffy to come around to her way of thinking. Faith had yearned for Buffy to understand her and to accept her and how she felt about slaying. But the look in Buffy’s eyes as it dawned on her what she had just done… Faith wasn’t sure if she’d wanted Buffy to go this far. Sure, she’d talked a big game, but Faith had crossed quite a few lines that there was no going back from, and now Buffy had crossed one of those lines, too.

Tara felt all of these emotions as if they were her own. She felt it as she resigned herself to die, knowing that she was beyond saving, and knowing that nobody would mourn her. Her legacy as she died would be a permanent stain on Buffy Summers’s soul, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about that. On the one hand, Buffy would now understand her in a way that she’d never been able to before. On the other hand, that understanding came with a cost that only now, as she was dying, did Faith realize was so very high.

Tara hadn’t thought that memories could be so intense. She’d expected to feel what Faith had physically felt, but the fear and the emotional trauma… They were so deeply etched into Faith’s psyche that they were a permanent part of her.

Tara didn’t think she could take any more of it, and so she removed herself from the memory.

Faith caught Tara’s gaze, and Tara knew somehow that Faith had somehow shared more with Tara than had originally been intended. How Tara knew this, she couldn’t say. Was it her gut instinct or something more? And what had been the line between what Faith had meant to share and what Tara had experienced? A look at Faith told Tara that Faith was also aware of this, but more than that, she couldn’t say.

And then, without any warning, they were back at the bottom of the stairs just inside of 1630 Revello Drive.

“So,” Faith said slowly. “There’s your context. So now, let me spell out why I’m so pissed. You had your stupid idea to play God, and you didn’t want me getting in the way. The bot would take orders and do the trick. I get that. But what I _don’t_ get is why the bot looks exactly like Buffy did that night when she stabbed me in the gut. Care to share, Red?”

Tara had thought that Faith’s memories were painful, and they were. But what she was implying…. That Willow… That _her_ Willow had known about what Buffy went to do to Faith that night, and that she’d chosen to evoke that intense, painful memory in Faith on purpose…

Faith smiled, but there was no satisfaction there, just grim acceptance. “And now it clicks.”

Tara couldn’t speak. She couldn’t think. What was going on in her life right now?

“And I think that’s my cue to leave,” Faith said. “I think this is something that you two need to talk about without me getting in the way. Before I forget, one other thing. If I was being petty, I’d say you owed me, but I just wanted you to know that I never sold out B to anyone.”

Tara was having trouble registering much, but she heard Willow say something. “Sold her out? How can you sell someone out who hasn’t done anything-“

“Attempted first degree murder, Willow,” Faith said as if she was discussing the weather. “Carries a sentence of up to life in prison under California law. I shared some stuff in my mandatory therapy sessions. Told the doc I got stabbed with intent to kill, but I never pinned it on Buffy. Doc tried to tell me it would be justice, and it might’ve been if it was someone else. If I’d been the one to say it, it would’ve been revenge, and that’s not me anymore.”

Tara was still in shock, and she couldn’t tell anything about what was going on around her.

“Be good to her, Red,” Tara heard Faith say. “She’s a real catch. Frankly, I think she deserves better, but that’s not my call. Catch ya later.”

Tara noticed on the periphery of her awareness that Faith had opened the front door, left the house, and closed the door behind her. Forcing herself back into the moment, Tara looked at Willow, afraid of what she would see.

Willow looked shaken and uncertain, but for all the good she might have intended, now that Tara had felt what Faith had felt, now that she had basically lived a pivotal moment in Faith’s life… Tara felt lost. Willow had always been there to guide her back when she felt lost. But now…

Tara stood a foot away from Willow, each of them standing silently, not moving. Those twelve inches felt like twelve thousand miles. So much needed to be said, the air needed to be cleared. Tara had to make it clear to Willow how she felt.

So Tara stood there, looking at her beloved, in a house permeated by a deafening silence.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy’s words were exactly what she had always wanted to hear, but Faith wished that she could have heard them in any other situation, any other circumstances. Faith had always wanted to be important to someone, but especially to Buffy. But how could this be a good thing right here and now? Faith didn’t know, so she just looked to Buffy’s face and tried to decipher the mystery behind it.

### Chapter Eight

It was almost two o’clock in the afternoon by the time Faith made it back to Giles’s place. About a month ago, once she had finally settled in, Giles had decided to give Faith an irregular allowance for the occasional food or video tape or other random thing to let her have a little bit of independence. He had mentioned something about drawing from his salary as a Watcher, and while it had taken a bit of getting used to anyone actually looking out for her, Faith didn’t feel bad right now about blowing a bit more cash than she should on two extra-large burgers, an order of fries, and a really big plastic cup of cola. She needed it after her confrontation with Willow.

If she was honest with herself, Faith had been petty and vindictive about the whole thing. She really had originally meant to just get Willow to fess up, but when Red hadn’t been willing, Faith had gotten the idea to share all of her pain with Tara. Despite what she’d said about not wanting to split them up as a couple, it was only partially true. Faith had wanted to hurt Willow to pay her back for how she’d been hurt, and Faith had used Tara to do it.

Faith felt dirty as she walked the steps up to Giles’s front door. She’d wanted to make Willow own up to her sins, and instead, Faith had gone down the ‘eye for an eye’ approach. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t meant it to go down that way at first. Faith resolved to apologize to Tara for using her, especially since Tara had been better to Faith than almost anyone else she’d ever met. Faith reasoned that she probably owed Willow an apology as well, but in her heart, she couldn’t bring herself to want to give Willow that much.

Faith looked skyward and laughed at how far she’d come. Apologies were something she actively considered now. Once upon a time, Faith Lehane hadn’t even known that she could apologize, and when she learned that she could, she had decided that an apology was just a meaningless set of words that could delude people into thinking that a wrong could be made right. And now… Now, Faith didn’t know what an apology was worth, but she knew that she owed one to Tara and possibly Willow.

In the immediate present, Faith used her key to open Giles’s front door as quietly as she could and focused herself on Buffy’s wellbeing. Entering and closing the door behind her, Faith looked around the first floor for Giles, but he was either upstairs or else out of the apartment.

Faith would bet solid cash that Giles was as close to Buffy as he could be, so Faith ascended the stairs and went to look for him on the top floor.

The lights were off in Giles’s bedroom, with only dim sunlight shining through. All the same, Faith could see a faint shadow, and a peek inside showed Giles’s body slumped over in a chair. Faith pulled the door open slowly and quietly, just enough to slip into the room without bumping into anything.

Giles turned with a start, but relaxed a moment later when he saw Faith. He didn’t say a word, and neither did Faith. The two of them just stayed there, Giles in his small chair, Faith standing beside him, both looking at the sleeping figure in the queen-sized bed.

Buffy was so still, her eyes closed, her breathing nearly imperceptible. Faith just watched Buffy, wondering what was going on in her head. She wondered if Buffy was dreaming, wondered if she able to dream anymore, wondered if she would wake up feeling sick. Faith wondered any number of terrible things that she was afraid Buffy might be going through.

Faith put a hand on the back of Giles’s chair to steady herself. She felt the chair move, and Giles stood up and took her hands in his own. Faith looked down and realized that she was shaking.

Faith wasn’t usually one for physical contact. She didn’t like others touching her unless it was on her own, very specific terms. So when Giles moved to put an arm around Faith, she recoiled just enough to let Giles know that she didn’t want that. She appreciated what he was trying to do, but years of being touched in all the wrong ways couldn’t just be ignored because one guy meant something nicely.

Faith left the room, and Giles followed her out, leaving the door open very slightly. They both walked downstairs quietly and sat down next to each other on the sofa.

“She’s been resting peacefully, or as peacefully as can be expected,” Giles said to Faith. “I suppose I should say that she _looks_ to be resting peacefully. What she’s thinking, what she’s feeling, I can’t even imagine. Like you said, Buffy’s made a journey that’s not meant to be made at all.”

Faith could only nod silently. There really wasn’t anything more to say. Buffy was asleep right now, but when she woke up, she’d need help. Faith wanted to be a part of that more than anything, but she also didn’t believe that there was anyone alive who could even begin to offer any sort of insight.

_Nobody alive…_

“Angel,” Faith said without thinking.

Giles turned to look at her. “I beg your pardon?”

“Angel… He used to be human, right? Then he died and came back. And later, he got sent to Hell, and then he came back again. If anyone’s in a position to help Buffy through this, it’s gotta be Angel. Nobody else could even possibly-“

“Spike could. Possibly,” Giles said with what might have been shock or perhaps fear. “Spike _would_ try to understand, might even try to help. I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, and I’m not sure if Angel would be of much help either.”

Faith didn’t know Spike very well, but now that she knew what the Buffybot was designed for, Faith felt responsible. Maybe if she’d never come onto Spike while wearing Buffy’s body… God, was Faith the reason that Spike had become so obsessed with Buffy that he’d made a sexbot in her image?

She had met the bleach-blonde vampire a few times over the course of her patrols. Apparently, being unable to harm humans because of the chip in his head had led to Spike dispensing violence on the local demon populace instead. Faith had only interacted with the vampire enough to warn him not to get on her bad side and to pray that the chip never stopped working. Right now, he was a help in the fight against demons. The moment that that math might change in the slightest, Faith would put an end to the entire equation.

Faith just shook her head. “Not Spike. Angel’s been both the bad guy and the good guy, from what I hear. Spike’s only playing the part because he has no choice, right? And hell, if I’m gonna be honest, I dunno that Angel could help much either. Dying and coming back as a vamp… The vamp wasn’t him, it was just a messed-up doll wearing his face. And coming back from Hell… Angel _lived_ through that. B once told me a story of when she went to a Hell dimension just before I came to town. She didn’t die to go there, she lived through it. How do any of us know what’s at the other end of that one-way street? What if there’s nothing there at all?”

Faith looked at her hands, which were placed firmly in her lap, and sulked. Really, there wasn’t anything else to do.

“I think I know how you feel, Faith,” Giles said from the seat to her right. “You want to help, for whatever reasons, and you can’t. Powerlessness… It’s a terrible thing.”

Faith doubted whether Giles had ever felt powerless in the ways that Faith had. She doubted that he had ever been homeless or pimped out or jailed behind bars. _That doesn’t matter right now,_ Faith chastised herself. _He wants to help B right now, same as you, Faith. And you can’t, and he can’t, and you both know it._

“Yeah,” Faith finally said. “It sucks, all right.”

The two of them sat there in silence for a while. Time didn’t feel like something that should matter, in Faith’s eyes, save for dusk and dawn. A slayer had to know when she was on the clock and when she could turn in. Everything else was just extra as far as time was concerned.

Faith looked up at a clock on the wall and saw that it was almost a quarter after three o’clock. Plenty of time before she had to patrol.

There was a creaking sound, like a door opening slowly.

Faith was on her feet immediately, and before she knew it, she and Giles were both at the foot of the stairs, looking up.

Buffy was standing there, still in her black burial dress. Faith couldn’t make out what sort of expression she might be wearing.

Buffy had one hand against the wall, as if struggling to keep herself standing up straight. “Um… Giles…”

“I’ll be right there, Buffy,” Giles said. He looked to Faith for a moment, as if to ask her if she needed anything.

“I’m five-by-five, Giles. B needs you. And I’m not going anywhere.”

“Right, of course. Buffy…” Giles said with such warmth that it hurt Faith to hear it.

Faith had long accepted that she would never hear that kind of warmth from anyone. Then again, the Mayor had surprised her in that respect. On the other hand, he’d been a man who had sold his soul and done all sorts of messed-up stuff in order to become a demon, so what that said about Faith wasn’t something she liked to think about.

Right now, Buffy was awake, and not only was Giles there to look after her, but Buffy was asking for him to do so. It would have been a small thing in any other circumstance, but the fact that Buffy recognized Giles, could call to him by name, recognize that she needed him… Faith didn’t know if Buffy was going to come out of all of this and be all right at the end, but this small first step was a good sign.

Faith chuckled despite herself. Damn, but she was getting sentimental. Angel had helped her to realize just how important small steps could be. And when you were in a crappy enough situation, a small step was anything but small.

Kicking off her boots, Faith put her feet up on the couch and laid back, thinking about what good might come for Buffy if she had the strength for it. Even as she thought it, Faith scolded herself. Sometimes strength didn’t matter. And even if it did, strength didn’t always look the same.

Once again, Faith’s thoughts went back to Tara, with that soft strength that Faith could feel but not understand. Before she’d met Tara, Faith had thought that ‘soft’ and ‘strong’ were polar opposites. Now Faith knew better. Buffy had always been strong, but she might need a different kind of strength right now. Faith didn’t know what sort of strength that might be, and she doubted that she’d be able to recognize it if she ever saw it.

Faith heard the door creak open again, and a quick glance at her watch told her that just over half an hour had passed her by while she’d been lost in thought. Faith hopped to her feet and hustled over to the bottom of the stairs. She saw Giles coming down towards her.

“How’s she doing?” Faith asked.

“She, um… She wants to see you, Faith,” Giles said.

Faith couldn’t tell if her heart had stopped or if it was suddenly beating so fast that she couldn’t tell the beats apart. “Buffy wants to see me?” Faith asked, her voice an incredulous whisper.

“That’s what she said,” Giles said. “She asked about what happened, so I explained to her what you told me about the, um… About the spell. And I gave her some of your clothes to wear. For the time being, of course.”

Faith nodded, unsure of what any of this meant. “Is she going to be okay?”

“I don’t know, Faith,” Giles answered, and Faith cursed herself for even asking such a stupid question. “But right now, she wants to see you.”

Giles put just enough emphasis on his words to get the point across. Buffy Summers, who was probably going through a trauma that Faith couldn’t hope to understand, wanted to see her.

If Buffy needed to see Faith, or if she just felt that she wanted to see her, then Faith knew what she had to do. Walking slowly up the stairs, Faith saw that the door to Giles’s room was open, and Buffy was sitting on his bed in one of Faith’s black tank tops and a pair of navy blue jeans. She was also wearing a black leather jacket, which struck Faith as odd. It didn’t feel that cold to her, but if Buffy felt she needed a jacket, then was she cold? Had it been hot on the other side?

Faith knocked lightly on the door twice, and she regretted it when she saw Buffy wince at the sounds, as if in pain. “Sorry,” Faith said as quietly as she could. “D’you want to keep the door open?”

Buffy looked at Faith, her face inscrutable. A small shake of her head was all that Faith needed to see, and she closed the door behind her. The lights were out, and the blinds were closed. What little sunlight permeated the blinds was all the light in the room. Was Buffy having trouble with seeing in the light?

Buffy scooted over to the side a small bit and looked down at the space she had just vacated. Faith was incredulous at the very notion of the invitation, but she took it all the same. She placed her rear down on the mattress as slowly and as softly as she could.

Faith didn’t know what to say, and wasn’t sure if there was any right thing to say. Buffy had asked to see her, so Faith would wait for her to speak.

Buffy was still for a while, but then she spoke softly. “When I came back,” she began, sounding as if she was having trouble with forming the words, “I was in a box. There were cushions, but I couldn’t see them. I could feel the walls around me, and I just wanted to get out. I wanted to rip apart the cushions and knock away the walls, and do anything I could to get out of there.”

Faith didn’t know what being dead was like, but she knew what it felt like to feel trapped. Not in the exact way that Buffy was describing, but if she’d woken up and found herself in what Buffy was describing… Faith supposed she might have panicked as well.

“I wanted to get out of there so badly,” Buffy continued, and her voice broke. “But I heard the ground above me moving. And I knew that someone was coming for me. Coming to get me out. So, I tried to breathe. Tried to concentrate on the sounds of the digging. And then the lid was suddenly gone, and you were there, standing over me, holding out your hand to take me out of there.”

Faith wasn’t sure if Buffy was trying to express gratitude, or if she just needed to talk out what had happened to her, so Faith bit her tongue and kept quiet.

“I remembered everything you’d done. And I remembered everything that I’d done. And none of it mattered. You were there, and you got me out, and that was what mattered. That _matters.”_

Buffy’s words were exactly what she had always wanted to hear, but Faith wished that she could have heard them in any other situation, any other circumstances. Faith had always wanted to be important to someone, but especially to Buffy. But how could this be a good thing right here and now? Faith didn’t know, so she just looked to Buffy’s face and tried to decipher the mystery behind it.

“So, I’m here. I’m sitting on a soft bed, in a nice room, with Giles right outside, and with the person who got me out of the ground sitting right next to me.” Faith’s heart dropped as she saw a tear stream down Buffy’s cheek. “And it hurts. It hurts so much.”

In that moment, Faith was afraid that she truly did understand at least one part of what Buffy was feeling. She hoped that she was wrong, but the tone of her sister slayer’s voice and the look in her eyes was frighteningly familiar. If Buffy was feeling what Faith thought she was feeling…

Faith decided that she had been quiet long enough. She had to ask. “Do you wanna go back, B? I dunno what it’s like there, on the other side, after your time’s up. But whatever’s out there, is that what you want? Do you wanna go back?”

Buffy’s inscrutable visage suddenly burst into tears of pain and sadness. “Yes! God, yes! More than anything ever, yes!”

Faith had never been a touchy-feely sort of person, but everything she had ever learned about Buffy told Faith that she should hug her right now. But after seeing Buffy recoil at the soft knock of a door, Faith didn’t know if Buffy could handle being touched right now.

“I could do it, if you’re sure,” Faith said, hating what she was saying even though she knew she had to say it. “I could make it instant, painless. I don’t want to do it, but if you asked me to, I would, Buffy. If you want me to, I’ll send you back.”

Buffy’s tears, already a streaming river, became a full-on torrent as her head fell into Faith’s lap. “I wish you could, Faith. If you could do that, I wish you would. But you can’t. I don’t know how I know it,” Buffy said in between fits of tears, “but I know that it doesn’t work that way. I wish it did. I wanna go back, Faith. I wanna go back!”

Now Faith did hold Buffy. She tried to hold her tightly and gently at the same time, and all she knew was that Buffy was crying with her head in Faith’s lap, and the harsh truth finally set in.

Wherever it was that Buffy had gone when she’d died… It was better than here. Whatever came after death was better than being in the home of her surrogate father with him on hand and ready to do whatever he could to help.

Buffy’s time had come, and she’d gone to a better place. And now she wasn’t there anymore. So Faith held Buffy as she wept for what she had lost. And Faith knew that she was powerless once again.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faith got up slowly, and it occurred to Buffy that she might be trying not to shift the mattress too much as she did so. Faith put her hand on the doorknob, but then she turned around. “So, I’m not exactly research girl, but if you want me to, I can look for a way to send you back. You never know, right?”
> 
> Oh, how Buffy wished that Faith could back up her offer. But she knew that it was impossible, and that hurt more than anything else, and that impossibility was the only reason it hurt so much. How she knew this, she couldn’t say, but Buffy just _knew_ that she couldn’t intentionally go back to heaven. She might get there again one day, but it wouldn’t ever be on her own terms. And despite the pain Faith’s offer elicited, Buffy could never hate Faith for asking. How could such an offer be anything but precious? But the truth was so painful and so awful, and Buffy had to deal with it regardless. “You can’t, Faith. But, thank you, anyway.”

### Chapter Nine

Buffy didn’t know how long she had been crying for, and she wasn’t sure if she could tell time even if she wanted to. Wherever she’d been, time had been a very different thing, if it had even existed at all. Where she’d been, Buffy had felt soft and warm, and she’d knew without a doubt that everyone she cared about was all right, and that they always would be. If there was a word for that feeling – it didn’t feel so much like a place – it might have been ‘heaven.’

And Buffy had been robbed of that. If Giles was to be believed, then Willow had taken her away from there. And Xander, and Anya, and Tara. They had torn her out of heaven. Her best friends had taken more from her than Buffy herself even understood.

So now she cried, letting her tears flow onto black leather pants that only seemed at home on the body of Faith Lehane. Once upon a time, Faith had been more than just another Slayer, more than just a friend. They’d shared something unique. It wasn’t love, nothing romantic. But it was something special all the same, and then it had been gone. How often had Buffy looked back, wondering if she could have done something differently? How could she have not caused Faith to run into the Mayor’s arms? How could she have stopped Faith from spiraling out of control?

Faith had obviously felt hurt, and she’d hurt Buffy back, and despite all of the pain that she had suffered at Faith’s hands, Buffy had never stopped wondering if she could have stopped it all somehow. Maybe if she’d talked to her mom and tried to offer Faith a bed in the guest room. Or cooked something for her, possibly. Or just invited Faith to hang out with her along with Xander and Willow and Oz and even Cordelia.

All of that pain, all of those emotions, all of it felt so distant now. Wasn’t Faith supposed to be in prison? Buffy thought she remembered seeing Faith confessing at a police station in Los Angeles.

It didn’t matter anymore, Buffy decided as she forced herself to stop sobbing, bringing a leather jacket sleeve up to wipe the tears off her face. Faith was here, comforting Buffy, understanding her, offering to send her back to heaven, no matter that she couldn’t. Faith, out of everyone in the world, was here for her, and her best friends were not. They couldn’t have known she was in heaven. There was no way that they could have known. There was no way that Buffy could ever accept that they would knowingly take her away from that impossibly wonderful feeling of safeness and comfort.

“Faith,” Buffy said quietly, looking up.

Faith’s brown eyes immediately caught Buffy’s green gaze, that face that came with so many mixed emotions framed by soft strands of brown hair. “What do you need?” Faith asked.

_Not ‘B.’ Not ‘What’s up.’ Not ‘Five-by-five.’_ Buffy didn’t know why Faith was being so nice to her, so understanding, but the why didn’t matter right now.

“What do I need?” Buffy repeated, genuinely pondering the question. First, she needed to sit up straight. So she did. She felt Faith’s arms recede from around her torso, and she noticed that Faith hesitated to hold her steady. Buffy was grateful. Heaven was hard to describe, but human senses were different there. Sight, sound, smell, taste, touch… All of it was different in a way that was impossible to describe, but it had been good. The world around her now… Whatever it was, it wasn’t heaven anymore. The feel of the mattress beneath her rear, the fabric against her skin, the air around her face… None of it was heaven. That wasn’t much to go with, but it was all that Buffy needed to know.

Buffy looked to her side and saw Faith looking at her with… Worry? Concern? Nothing familiar on that particular face, but Buffy wasn’t about to complain. “I… I need time. To get used to being back here. To not being there. A-and I don’t want anyone to worry about me,” Buffy said, and as she said it, things began to become clearer. “I don’t want anyone to think that I’m anything but fine. I want them to think that I’m okay. I want them to think that I’m back to normal, and that I’m here for them. I want everyone to think that I’m good, so that they don’t have to worry. I don’t think that I can take anyone worrying about me.”

Faith nodded, and Buffy could tell that Faith was trying to think of how to respond to that. “I get that,” she said at last. “But after telling me what to tell everyone else… I can keep a secret, but I’ll still know, B. I won’t show it around anyone else, swear to God. But please don’t ask me to keep a secret from myself.”

Buffy nodded absentmindedly and understood that Faith was only asking that the reality of the situation be respected. “Of course,” Buffy said. “But no one else. At all. Not Willow. Not Xander. Not Dawn. Not even Giles. _No one_ can know.”

Faith just nodded, though her eyes clearly held a deep concern. “Nothing leaves this room,” she said with firm conviction.

Buffy felt herself nodding in response. “Okay. I’m, uh… I’m gonna lie down for a bit longer. Can you close the door behind you?” Buffy wanted to ask Faith to do something about the creaking sound the door made, but she didn’t want to impose any further after everything else.

Faith got up slowly, and it occurred to Buffy that she might be trying not to shift the mattress too much as she did so. Faith put her hand on the doorknob, but then she turned around. “So, I’m not exactly research girl, but if you want me to, I can look for a way to send you back. You never know, right?”

Oh, how Buffy wished that Faith could back up her offer. But she knew that it was impossible, and that hurt more than anything else, and that impossibility was the only reason it hurt so much. How she knew this, she couldn’t say, but Buffy just _knew_ that she couldn’t intentionally go back to heaven. She might get there again one day, but it wouldn’t ever be on her own terms. And despite the pain Faith’s offer elicited, Buffy could never hate Faith for asking. How could such an offer be anything but precious? But the truth was so painful and so awful, and Buffy had to deal with it regardless. “You can’t, Faith. But, thank you, anyway.”

Faith didn’t say a word. She just nodded her head once, then turned around and closed the door behind her slowly. Buffy winced at the noise of the creaking door, so harsh compared to what heaven had been like. But that was the door, and it was just one door in one house on street of one town in a whole world that, quite simply, was not heaven.

Buffy laid down and pulled the sheets over her. She tried to imagine that the soft mattress was the softness she missed. She tried to imagine that the warmth of the sheets was the warmth she craved. But it wasn’t. Nothing was. Buffy finally understood what the real world truly was.

_This is Hell._

* * *

Dawn Summers’s life had been more difficult these past three months than it had ever been before. Even before the start of summer, her mom’s death had been a huge blow, and now Buffy was gone as well. Hank was in Europe not giving a damn about either his dead ex-wife or either of his two daughters. And just now, after coming home from school today, Tara was out of the house, and Willow was looking grim and somber. Dawn had offered to listen, both as a way to cheer Willow up and to take her own mind off of everything, but then Willow revealed that she’d had a fight with Tara.

For as long as the two witches had been a couple, Dawn had only ever known them to fight exactly once, and that had ended in disaster with Tara’s sanity being stolen by Glory. Despite the fact that the hell-goddess had been after Dawn to use in her homecoming spell, it was the harm done to Tara that Dawn remembered as being more painful to have to deal with.

Dawn hadn’t ever gotten much background on why the two had fought then, but Willow’s sullen face had only to mutter one word, and suddenly things were so much clearer. “Faith.” That one word put everything into context. Or it should have, rather. The way Willow was avoiding Dawn’s gaze, the way she kept looking down at her tea in what Dawn recognized as a ‘thinking deeply’ sort of look… Dawn wanted to ask more, but she didn’t want to make Willow uncomfortable, so she just assured Willow that she’d be fine, and she asked Willow if she wanted to maybe go take a nap.

Willow had seemed to like that notion, and upon heading upstairs to take her nap, Dawn herself had taken her homework out of her backpack and started on some math problems. That had been about half an hour ago, maybe forty-five minutes. So when there was a knock at the door, Dawn felt immediately better. Tara must have come back, only she was doing the nice thing of not barging right in but asking permission first. It was a very Tara thing to do.

Dawn rushed to the front door, trying not to slip or make too much noise to wake up Willow, and she turned the knob and opened the front door, only for her eyes to widen in fear.

“Heya, D,” Faith Lehane said from the other side of the threshold. The other Slayer didn’t look like she had any weapons on her, not that she’d need them if she wanted to hurt anyone. Dawn remembered just before Faith had switched bodies with Buffy… She’d knocked on the door and then punched mom right in the face, knocking her out. She hadn’t needed to do anything to Dawn other than pick her up with a hand over her mouth to keep her from screaming.

And then Faith had taken the two of them up to mom’s room – now Willow and Tara’s room – and then she’d done her makeup and started rambling about a bunch of stuff that Dawn didn’t really understand, only for Buffy to come crashing through the window, and the two of them had fought.

It was in the middle of that fight that the body swap had happened, and Dawn had done her very best to avoid thinking about that time ever since. The thought that someone else had been walking around in her sister’s skin, doing who-knows-what with it… It wasn’t something Dawn wanted to think about, so she had forced herself not to.

And then Faith had been in prison, and then a few months ago she wasn’t anymore, and now she was here, and Dawn cursed herself for regressing into a scared little girl again. “W-what do you want?!” Dawn said as her voice choked on her fear.

For her part, Faith looked distinctly un-Faith-like. That is, she still dressed like Faith, she still had Faith’s face and hair and skin tone, but the look on her face, and her posture… There wasn’t any threat there. There wasn’t even the cool big sis’ vibe that she’d given off when she’d first come to town, before she’d gone evil.

Faith took a deep breath and exhaled. “I came to give Willow and Tara some news, but it’s big news, so you need to hear it, too. Huh. I guess maybe it’s best I caught you instead of either of them. I’m guessing they fought, right? I hope you didn’t have to see it.”

“Why would you care?!” Dawn hissed.

Faith sighed. “Look, do you mind if I come in to talk with you? And I’m asking this time, nice as I can. If you want me to get lost, I’ll get lost. But this thing I gotta tell you… It’s one of those really big, important things that really needs to get said sooner rather than later. So, Dawn, do you mind if I come in?”

Dawn wasn’t sure how to react. The last time she’d seen Faith, she’d been a psychotic madwoman who had stolen her sister’s body. Now… Now she was treating Dawn like a kid sister the same way she had when she’d first arrived in Sunnydale. “Not yet,” Dawn said eventually. “Don’t move.”

Without waiting to see if Faith obeyed, Dawn rushed to the kitchen and grabbed the largest knife she could find, gripped the wooden handle tight in her right hand, and walked slowly back to the door. “Okay. Now you can come in.”

Faith nodded as she entered, but Dawn could hear a distinctive “Tsk tsk” coming from the slayer. “You messed up, Lil D. Tell me how,” she said as she faced Dawn calmly, arms crossed across her chest.

Dawn winced as she realized she’d just given an open invitation to the house. “The sun’s still up,” Dawn said too quickly, hoping that Faith would let it slide.

No such luck. “That’s what you call ‘getting lucky.’ You gotta drill it into your head. No invitations, not ever. You don’t get used to the no invites thing, you mess up like you did just now, only you do it at night, and bam! Worst case scenario.”

Dawn rolled her eyes. “I know! I know! I’m sorry, okay?” It took Dawn a moment before she realized that she’d just fallen into a frighteningly easy rhythm with a very dangerous person standing not a few feet away from her.

Faith must have seen the realization on Dawn’s face, because she started to chuckle. “I’m sorry, D, but you should’ve seen yourself just now. It was like… Well, it was like the good ol’ days, before I went and screwed everything up.”

Dawn just nodded, her mind unsure whether to be at ease or on guard. She found herself constantly re-tightening her grip on the knife handle. “So… What did you do to make Willow and Tara fight?”

Faith sighed. “I shouldn’t have done that. I really wanted Willow to pay for something that she did to me. Not kill her or anything, just maybe scare her a bit, I guess? Anyway, Tara was here too, and I ended up dragging her into it to get back at Willow. So, I really want to apologize to Tara. Willow was a bitch to me, but that was no reason to use Tara to hurt her. So, that one’s on me. I’m sorry about that, but I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Those two seem pretty close. They’ll probably need to talk it out a bit, but I’d wager they pull through.”

Dawn knew that Willow disliked Faith more than anyone else that she could think of. Even Buffy’s feelings about Faith had been more complicated than outright hatred. And whatever Faith had done, she was showing regret for it. That was completely unlike any past incarnation of Faith that Dawn had ever seen, whether she’d been good or bad. Faith was very unapologetically Faith, and the fact that she wanted to apologize to anyone at all…

_Too much info! Get to the point before it’s too late to escape!_ “So, why’d you come here? What’s the big news?” Dawn asked, hearing herself sound calmer with each passing breath.

Faith, on the other hand, looked like she was making an effort to look in any direction other than straight at Dawn. Dawn thought about speaking up, but reminded herself not to poke the psycho unless she absolutely had to.

Finally, Faith spoke. “So, last night… What did Willow and Tara tell you they were doing last night?”

Dawn shrugged. “They went to see some band they liked that was playing late at the Bronze. Why?”

“Ah.” Dawn didn’t like the sound of that ‘ah.’ That was the sound of someone saying ‘That explains things.’ So something needed explaining, and Dawn had the feeling that she was about to be let in on it. “Well, that wasn’t quite it. Last night, Willow, Tara, Xander, and Anya went and did a spell. It was a really big, really powerful spell, and I can only imagine that they didn’t tell you about it because they didn’t want to get your hopes up.”

“Get my hopes up?” All hostility and fear was gone. Dawn was just confused now. “What did they do? What sort of spell did they cast?”

An alien expression spread across Faith’s face, and it was at once beautiful and terrifying. Faith Lehane, the badass slayer who nobody messed with, was smiling with tears of joy in her eyes. “The best kind, Lil D. They brought her back. Buffy. She’s back. She’s with Giles now, and she’s gonna need some time, but she’s alive, Dawn.”

Dawn’s eyes went wide and she felt her fingers go loose and drop the knife to the floor. “Buffy’s back? And she’s gonna be okay?”

Faith smiled and nodded. “Yeah. Buffy’s back. She’s alive, and she’s gonna be just fine.”

Dawn didn’t know when she had stopped being scared of Faith and when she had stopped seeing her as anything but a long-lost family member finally come home, but Dawn ran up to Faith and leaped into her arms, holding her tight. It didn’t occur to her how odd it was that Faith was holding her just as tight. “Buffy’s back, and she’s gonna be okay. She’s gonna be okay. It’s all gonna be okay.”

Dawn didn’t know why Faith felt the need to repeat it over and over, because it was so plain and simple a truth that all she could feel was joy. Buffy Summers, Dawn’s beloved sister, was back from the dead, and everything was going to be just fine.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Of course it’s fine. And I’m guessing you both moved out of your dorms on campus,” Buffy said to the two witches. “As far as I’m concerned, you’re both welcome to stay. You looked after Dawn, and I hear you helped with the slaying while I was… While I was away. You’re always welcome here.”
> 
> And how it hurt to say that. How could Buffy say to them, ‘You took more away from me than anyone else could ever possibly take?’ How could she say, ‘You stole everything from me?’ These were her friends. Buffy couldn’t tell them the truth, couldn’t let them know how much they’d hurt her. But she couldn’t just feel completely at ease with letting her home be their home after what they’d done. It wasn’t rational, she told herself. But then, where did rationality have a place after what she’d been through?

### Chapter Ten

Willow couldn’t stop pacing. She knew that she was probably making everyone else more nervous than they already were, but if she didn’t keep in motion, then she wouldn’t be able to handle her own anxiety. It was strange, when she thought about it, that she was nervous at all. Last night, after Tara had come home, she and Willow had talked about what they’d seen in Faith’s memories, and they’d basically agreed to disagree about the other slayer.

They’d hugged and kissed it out, and despite Tara’s reassurances, Willow couldn’t help but feel that Tara was holding back her feelings about what Willow had done, and that scared her. Tara was her everything, and Willow wanted to be the same for her. If Tara wasn’t comfortable with sharing her thoughts about Willow and what she had done… Well, Tara’s own feelings about Faith had caused a small, niggling worm of doubt to begin gnawing at the back of Willow’s mind. Was her tinkering with the Buffybot really all that wrong? Not only that, but could Faith have really changed?

Willow’s mind kept coming back to how Tara might feel about her, when she felt that she should really be focused on the wonderful, miraculous news that Dawn had received while Willow had been busy napping away her sorrows after she and Tara had quarreled. Somehow, even after Faith had defiled the Urn of Osiris, even after the ritual should have been disrupted entirely, it had worked. Buffy was alive, and she was with Giles, and now she was on her way back home.

They were all gathered in the living room waiting for Buffy. Willow, Tara, Xander, Anya, and Dawn. Dawn had wanted to include Spike as well, but she’d only come to that realization after the sun had risen, and Willow wasn’t quite sure that it was a good idea all the same. Spike might fight demons with them, but it was only because of a tiny piece of technology wired into his brain that he couldn’t hurt a human being. At his core, Spike was still a soulless demon.

_A soulless demon who had a sexbot made in Buffy’s image. A sexbot that _you_ chose to use to inflict pain._ The scathing self-rebuke used words that sounded too much like the calm, subdued argument that Tara had used the other day. Willow tried to push the words back into the dark recesses of her unconscious mind and focus on the fact that Buffy was alive again. Willow hadn’t been wrong about her abilities as a witch. She’d gambled, true, but it had paid off.

So why was she so nervous now? Was it because Buffy hadn’t immediately come straight home? No, she realized upon a moment’s reflection. It was because of _why_ she hadn’t come straight home. Faith had taken her to Giles’s place, or so he had told her on the phone last night. Of course, Faith wouldn’t let Buffy rest where she needed to be. Faith was still the same selfish, worthless waste that Willow had called her to her face just over two years ago.

“Willow, do you have to keep pacing like that?” Xander asked, sounding stressed.

Willow smiled despite herself. Finally, someone had spoken up, and as if a switch had been flipped, she stopped pacing and felt herself relax. “Sorry, Xander. It’s just… I thought it was all over. I thought that Faith had ruined everything. A-and part of me is still afraid that maybe, something went wrong. Th-that maybe, Buffy’s back, but she’s not completely all right, and that even if Faith interrupted it, I started it, and-“

“Shh. It’s all right, baby,” Tara said, taking Willow’s hands in her own. “Whatever happened, Buffy’s back now. A-and I’m sorry for doubting you, baby. I know I said it was wrong, and I tried to stop you when you first proposed it, but you did it, Willow. You did it.”

Willow’s felt her face brighten, and she leaned into a warm embrace with her girlfriend. “Have I ever told you that I love you, Tara?” Willow said softly.

“Once or twice,” Tara said with a warm smile, and Willow felt herself relax a bit more. That was Tara in a nutshell. Always there to make things better.

A collision into her side alerted Willow to the presence of Dawn hugging both her and Tara in a single embrace. “I like it better when you aren’t fighting.”

“Fighting?” Xander said carefully. “Is something wrong?”

Willow looked up at Xander, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to repeat the talk she’d had with Tara. “We can talk about it later, okay?”

Xander nodded. “Yeah. Sure thing, Will.”

“How much longer until Buffy gets here?” Anya asked from beside Xander, with the distinct tone of a child asking a suffering parent on a long trip ‘Are we there yet?’

“Probably just another minute or two,” Willow said, growing a bit frustrated. “Do you have some place to be?”

“Yes. The Magic Box is closed until either Giles or I opens it. And since Giles has been busy with watching Faith, it’s been my job. And I can’t make money while the store is closed,” Anya said, as if explaining a simple concept to an idiot or a child.

“An,” Xander said, turning to face his girlfriend, “Buffy needs us right now, so we’re going to be there for her. That’s what friends do.”

“She did ask us all to be here,” Tara said. “Or, at least that’s what Giles said. And, look on the bright side. With Buffy back, there’ll be more slaying going on, and more working with us to do research, which means more spending money at The Magic Box.”

Willow smiled at Tara’s kindness. She knew that Tara didn’t really think of Buffy’s return in those terms, but she was going out of her way to help Anya get to a good space in the here and now.

For her part, Anya smiled and nodded. “Yes. Make a good first impression with a returning customer. Thank you for the advice, Tara. And also for all the money you spend at the store.”

Tara chuckled, and Willow took one of her girlfriend’s hands in her own. “You’re welcome,” Tara said warmly.

“Oh! I see Giles’s car,” Dawn said from the window. “And she’s with him! It’s Buffy! She’s really here!”

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s welcome our favorite slayer home, am I right?” Xander said with renewed optimism.

It was infectious, as Willow felt her own confidence begin to return. “Yeah. Let’s go welcome Buffy back.”

* * *

Buffy had been dreading this moment since she’d been cognizant enough to realize that it was inevitable, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready now that it was here. It didn’t really matter. She would force herself to be ready. It was going to be hard to pretend to be all fine and dandy, and that was on top of the difficulties of just being back in a world that wasn’t heaven. Going back wasn’t an option, so Buffy would have to make the most out of this second lifetime. _Or third, depending on how we’re keeping score._

Faith had been surprisingly accommodating in helping Buffy to prepare. Far, far more so than Buffy had ever expected. Buffy’s relationship with Faith was, and always had been, unique. They were both slayers, they had once been close friends, and then the bitterest of enemies, and then they’d literally lived a short while in each other’s skin. And now, after everything that their shared history added up to, Buffy wasn’t sure what to make of Faith anymore. Buffy had last seen Faith turning herself into the police in Los Angeles, and Buffy had been petty and vindictive at the time, wanting nothing more than to punish Faith.

Looking back, Buffy realized that she had acted childishly in that moment, and before she’d been able to make any of that up to Faith, she had died. And just days ago, she had been brought back to life, and Faith was the one who had been there for her. Since Buffy had come out of the earth, Faith had continued to be there for Buffy, and while it was surprising, it wasn’t entirely unwelcome. Her own anger towards Faith was still present, but it was so distant that it felt almost like a dream.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you, Buffy?” Giles asked from the driver’s seat.

Buffy smiled back at him. She’d been practicing smiling in front of the mirror a lot lately. She’d been able to fool Giles after a bit of practice, and she hoped she was up to the task of fooling everyone else. It hurt that she had to pretend, but the alternative – everyone trying to help her and look out for her and knowing that they’d done so much to hurt her – was not something that Buffy could deal with.

“I’ll be fine, Giles,” Buffy said, her calm voice very carefully rehearsed. “And it’s not like I’m going anywhere. I might want to see you sometime soon. Probably a lot, actually, but for the right now, I just want to see my friends and let them know that I’m okay.”

Giles nodded. “Of course, Buffy. I… Having you back is a miracle, truly. I can only imagine how much everyone is looking forward to seeing you,” he said as he leaned in to wrap Buffy in a warm embrace.

Buffy leaned into the hug, despite the grating feeling of physical contact that was so harsh and difficult to process after being in Heaven, for lack of a better term, for what might have been an eternity. Time hadn’t mattered there, so it was hard to say how long it would take to get used to just existing in the moment in the real world again.

There was another spot where Faith had been unexpectedly helpful. Buffy had known that her friends would be eager for physical contact, whether in a hug or a pat on the shoulder or anything in between or beyond. And Faith had obliged Buffy in practicing with physical contact, in hugging her and brushing a hand against her cheek and patting her on the back. What surprised Buffy the most was how gentle Faith had been throughout it all. When Buffy thought about Faith, ‘gentle’ was not a word that came to mind. Even when Faith held her in a tight hug, as her friends were almost certainly going to do, it had felt surprisingly heartfelt, quite possibly beyond just practicing for the real thing.

Buffy dismissed the notion before she let it take root. Faith was many things, but she wasn’t the kind of person to embrace Buffy like that of her own volition. All the same, Buffy felt very mildly inured against the pain of a physical embrace. Buffy told herself that it wasn’t much, but her irrational, emotional side that she couldn’t let show told her that it was a huge difference.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy opened the passenger door and walked up the path to the front door of 1630 Revello Drive. _Home. This is home,_ Buffy tried to convince herself. Turning around, she waved to Giles to assure him that all was well, and off he and his little red car went.

Steeling her resolve once again, Buffy looked ahead at the house and began to walk forward. Before she made it to the front door, however, it had already opened, and the old gang was there, coming out to meet her. In response, Buffy put on her well-practiced smile and she took in all of their faces. Willow, Xander, Tara… The three of them all had looks of simultaneous awe and joy on their faces. Anya looked more like she was analyzing the situation. Buffy would have to be careful. And Dawn, right in the middle of the group, looked at Buffy in disbelief that threatened to spill into tears.

Buffy let her teeth show in a white smile and gestured to Dawn. “I’m back, Dawn. Come here, little sister of mine.”

Dawn broke into a run and almost tackled Buffy to the ground in a fierce hug. Buffy had expected it, but still had to brace herself for the sudden, hard sensation of a small body colliding into her. And then Dawn was crying, and Buffy felt warm tears on the side of her face. “I missed you!” Dawn said through her tears. “I missed you so much!”

Buffy wrapped her arms around Dawn, just like she’d practiced, and held her close. Strangely enough, holding her sister evoked something in Buffy. She felt warm in a way she couldn’t define. Buffy knew that this was her sister, her blood kin, and that she had to be here for her. Part of this was undoubtedly the doing of the monks who had brought Dawn into existence, but it was still a real feeling that Buffy felt was anchoring her to this world. Part of her wanted to reject it, but she couldn’t. This was right, what she was feeling. Buffy belonged here, with Dawn, no matter how much she wished they could both be in heaven.

After what felt like too long, Dawn let go, and Buffy turned her attention to Willow. Willow, her best friend. Willow, who had always been there for her. Willow, who had spearheaded the effort to take Buffy out of heaven and drag her back into this harsh, bright, painful life. And Buffy smiled and embraced Willow as warmly as she could.

“I can’t believe it,” Willow said into Buffy’s shoulder. “You’re really back.” Stepping out of the hug, Buffy looked at Willow’s smiling face, wet with tears. “This is… It’s a miracle, Buffy. I mean, obviously, you know that, since you’re standing right in front of me. B-but, you’re really here! Alive! And not a vampire or a zombie or anything nasty and evil. You’re you! You’re Buffy, and you’re back!”

Buffy forced herself to chuckle. “Breathe, Willow. Yes, it’s me. I’m back, and I hear that I have you to thank for it. So, thank you. All of you. Thanks,” Buffy said. “Do you mind if we go inside? It’d be nice to get reacquainted with the old homestead.”

“Sure thing, Buffster,” Xander said with a hesitant smile. “Whatever you want. It’s just…”

“I know,” Buffy replied. “It’s a bit of a surprise to me, too.”

Willow and Xander laughed a bit as the group went inside. Buffy took in the house. It was just like she remembered it, at least on a superficial level. Whether it would ever be a place that she could call ‘home’ again… That was less certain.

Buffy ran her hand over the armrest on the sofa and remembered finding her mother lying here, eyes wide open, dead of an aneurysm. There, at least, was one good thing to come out of having died and come back. Buffy could now say with certainty that her mother was content and at peace, and that she would never suffer again for all eternity. Joyce Summers had not been a perfect mother, but she’d done the absolute best that she could, especially once she’d gotten over the fact that she couldn’t change the fact that Buffy was a vampire slayer.

After a moment, Buffy decided to take a seat on the couch. If she was going to live in this world again, she’d have to get used to feeling things again. Buffy’s friends and sister remained standing in a semicircle around her. “So… I hear that you moved in to look after Dawn?” Buffy said to Willow and Tara. “I hope she didn’t give you too much trouble,” Buffy added with a playful look at her sister. At the very least, Buffy would try to be strong for Dawn. Her little sister might not have been ripped from paradise, but she’d lost a mother and her sister, and she was still so young.

Dawn stuck her tongue out at Buffy, causing a small, genuine chuckle to escape from her lips. “They’ve been great. They’re using mom’s room. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it…”

“Of course it’s fine. And I’m guessing you both moved out of your dorms on campus,” Buffy said to the two witches. “As far as I’m concerned, you’re both welcome to stay. You looked after Dawn, and I hear you helped with the slaying while I was… While I was away. You’re always welcome here.”

And how it hurt to say that. How could Buffy say to them, ‘You took more away from me than anyone else could ever possibly take?’ How could she say, ‘You stole everything from me?’ These were her friends. Buffy couldn’t tell them the truth, couldn’t let them know how much they’d hurt her. But she couldn’t just feel completely at ease with letting her home be their home after what they’d done. It wasn’t rational, she told herself. But then, where did rationality have a place after what she’d been through?

Tara held Willow’s hand and smiled warmly at Buffy. “I’m just glad that you’re okay. The ritual we used… It scared me, I won’t lie. And then when… When it was interrupted… We thought you were gone forever. O-or worse, that we might have done damage to your soul, wherever it was. It’s such a relief to see you here, Buffy.”

“Ain’t that the truth?” Xander agreed. “You had us quite worried, young lady,” he joked.

“Xander!” Willow said chidingly.

Buffy held up a hand. “It’s okay. Really, it’s all good. I’m just glad to be back. Back here with all of you.” Now came the part that Buffy guessed would be more than a little bit harder. “So, um… Dawnie. I don’t want to sound too kooky, but do we have a spare guest room? I guess I don’t really remember if any of the rooms could actually be bedrooms, or if mom turned them into studies or storage closets or something else.”

Dawn looked confused, but thankfully she didn’t question it. “Yeah, we have a guest room. You sure you’re okay, Buffy?”

Buffy nodded. “Yes. Yes, I’m fine. I guess… What do you call jet lag from being dead? Death lag? Right. I’m suffering from a slight case of death lag. Please humor me.”

After a moment of silent nods of approval, Buffy continued. “So, um… I was with Giles for a little bit, and I got to see more of his place than I remember seeing before, and I realized that he only has the one bedroom, and since we have a spare, I wanted to see if you would all be okay – that is to say, Dawn, Willow, and Tara – I want to see if you’d be okay with Faith taking the spare bedroom.”

An uncomfortable silence filled the house. After what seemed like far too long, Xander spoke up. “I’m going to assume that’s the death lag talking. Because if it’s not… What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Xander!” Dawn yelled indignantly.

“Look, I get it, Buffy,” Xander said in the same patronizing tone that he tended to take when scolding Buffy about dating Angel, or not loving Riley enough, or various other minor things in her life since she’d met him. “She covered for you while you were gone, so you feel you owe her. But you don’t. She’s the one who went evil and did all that damage, remember?”

Buffy sighed. “I remember, Xander. But before we continue this discussion, I wasn’t asking you. You’re my friend, Xander, but you don’t live here. I’m asking the people that do.”

“Fine, then,” Xander huffed. “Willow, tell Buffy she’s crazy.”

Buffy turned to look at Willow and saw a strange play of emotions on her face. In the span of moments, Buffy saw flashes of anger, guilt, grief, and more vie for dominance on her best friend’s face. “Buffy,” Willow said carefully, “I won’t pretend to be comfortable with living so close to Faith. I mean, I’m not exactly her biggest fan. A-and this is your home. I can’t tell you what to do with it. But if it’s okay to ask, a-and you don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable with it, but why do you want to let her stay here? I mean, don’t you hate her?”

The way that last question was voiced said a lot to Buffy. It sounded like Willow was asking permission to hate Faith. Willow had her own reasons for disliking the other slayer, but she was trying to be the best friend right now, and Buffy appreciated it. “I used to hate her,” Buffy said at last. “I hated her so much. I hunted her to Los Angeles for a chance at revenge, I hated her that much.”

Buffy took a deep breath and exhaled. The process should have been relaxing, but it only served to exhaust her further. One more thing to adjust to as she came back to live in this world. “It took some time afterwards, and a lot of persuasion during phone calls with Angel. And then, once mom realized that the body swap had happened, she told me some things that she only thought she’d told me, what with me being in the wrong body at the time.”

“I remember that,” Dawn said. “And I remember thinking that there was something weird about your reaction the first time. Mom didn’t understand what could drive someone to do what Faith did. Then you… Sorry. Then _Faith_ asked mom how she knew that Faith was driven to do anything, that maybe she liked being the way she was.”

Buffy laughed humorlessly. “Yeah, right. Mom told me that she thought Faith was really unhappy, deep down. And after everything I’ve seen from her, I believe it. I don’t know if she’s still as unhappy as she was then, but…”

Buffy paused. She knew her friends wouldn’t truly accept her need for Faith without some justification beyond just what Buffy needed. They needed something that they could accept on a personal level. “She turned herself in. She took responsibility, however late it was. And after the spell you did that brought me back… I didn’t just poof back into being. I ended up exactly where I was after I died. In a coffin under the ground.

“And Faith was there, and she dug through the dirt and she got me out. I was panicking when I first came to. It was dark and cramped, but then I heard someone digging, coming to get me, and I knew I’d be okay. I was surprised when I saw it was Faith, but… She got me out. I don’t know if it’s something you can understand, but she was there for me, and I remember that I wasn’t the only slayer who wasn’t all that happy with the other slayer a while back.”

Buffy paused and looked from face to face. “So, there’s that. Also, I don’t think any of you ever saw where she lived before, but-“

“I did,” Xander said quietly. “It was a crappy motel room. Still doesn’t excuse everything she did.”

“No,” Buffy agreed carefully, “but I can’t help but think that if maybe this offer of a guest room had come earlier, if I’d shown her that I cared enough to even ask mom about letting her stay in a place where a vampire actually needed an invitation to get in… Maybe if we’d all been a bit more appreciative, then maybe things might not have gone down the way they did.”

Dawn sat down next to Buffy. “If you’re sure about this, then I’m okay with it, Buffy. When she told me the news yesterday… She wasn’t acting all psycho. It was like the good times, before she went all evil.”

Buffy smiled at her little sister, and this time the smile wasn’t forced at all. “Thank you, Dawn.” Looking up, Buffy returned her gaze to Willow and Tara. “You’ve done so much for Dawn while I was gone, and now that I’m back, I’ll say that you did a lot for me in the process, so I don’t want to dismiss that. If you can’t handle Faith having a room here, then I don’t want to push it. I won’t demand anything, and I won’t demand that you forget your feelings about Faith. I’m asking you to tolerate her staying in this house. If you can’t do that, I won’t force you to.”

And Buffy wouldn’t force Willow if she wouldn’t budge. It wouldn’t be fair at all to Faith, but Buffy couldn’t bring herself to use her death as an excuse to demand things of anyone. Maybe someone else wouldn’t have an issue with it, but Buffy wasn’t someone else. She could only hope that Willow would be willing to abide by her wishes. And if she wasn’t willing… Buffy hadn’t told Faith about this yet precisely because of how Willow might react. It would be cruel to get Faith’s hopes up only to dash them later.

Buffy saw Willow turn to look at Tara, and Buffy wondered if they were communicating with their thoughts, or if they just understood each other so intimately that words weren’t needed. Whatever the case, Tara smiled gently at Willow, who turned back to look at Buffy with apprehension. “I don’t particularly like Faith, and so long as you don’t force us to spend time together, and you don’t ask me to change how I feel… Buffy, this is your home. I only moved in with Tara because we wanted to look out for Dawn. But now that you’re back, a-and you’re letting us stay here… I can’t really say no, and even if I could, I wouldn’t. I might want to, but I wouldn’t and I won’t. I can’t say it won’t be really weird, but it’s a small price to pay for having you back, Buffy.”

“Excellent,” Anya said with a smile on her face. “Maybe Giles will be able to pay more attention to the store now that he’ll have his house back to himself.”

“Oh, my God! Anya!” Willow half-shouted. “What is wrong with you?!”

Anya simply shrugged. “I just don’t see why you can’t get over this whole Faith business. I’ve heard what you have to say about her, and she isn’t that person, at least not what little I’ve seen of her. Maybe she’s changed. It does happen. After all, some of us are only recently human, and making the most of it. You tolerate me, if only just. What makes Faith so different?”

Buffy appreciated the silence that fell over the room, for she knew the answer to that question, as did everyone else. Buffy thought that she might be the only one who not only knew the answer, but accepted it. As for her friends… They’d have to come to the same conclusion eventually. Faith hadn’t committed nearly as much harm in her twenty-something years alive as Anya had in her thousand-plus years as a vengeance demon.

It shouldn’t be hard to understand, but Buffy knew that it would be tremendously difficult for everyone else to accept that Faith was – for better or worse – only human.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There it was. How Faith had longed to hear those words from Buffy’s lips to her own ears. In her deepest, most secret fantasies, Buffy would need Faith, and Faith would be there for her, and everything would be all right because it meant that the one person Faith cared about most felt the same way.

### Chapter Eleven

A few days had passed since Giles had taken Buffy back to her house, and Faith was bored out of her skull. Faith felt trapped in Giles’s house, with nothing to do save to turn on the TV and hope that something even mildly interesting was on. Even though Faith could walk out the door at any time to wander the streets, take a walk about the town, maybe see if she could pick up a comic book or a snack or whatever, something held her back.

It was Buffy, she decided. Buffy was back, and Sunnydale was her town, not Faith’s. She was back at home, where she belonged, with her stupid friends who thought it was a good idea to play god. Even at her most depraved, Faith had never thought so highly of herself that she would have even considered magic on that scale. Even if she wasn’t herself a witch, there were just some lines that were there for a reason. You just didn’t cross them.

But those lines hadn’t just been crossed, they’d been run over and demolished. So now, Buffy was back, and Faith was increasingly wondering what she was doing in Sunnydale at all. Buffy hadn’t been by since she’d gone back home, and Faith wasn’t about to head there after everything that had gone down with Willow.

Giles had been really decent about everything, but Faith had a feeling that she might be outstaying her welcome sooner rather than later. She could always go out for a run, but something held her back. Faith was angry and confused about everything. She was technically a free woman, but she didn’t feel free at all. She was sitting on a comfortable couch that wasn’t hers, but afraid to go out in a town that didn’t want her, and outside of all of that was the great unknown, and that wasn’t something that Faith was willing to confront just yet.

Swearing loudly, Faith had to stop herself from throwing something. Giles was out running his shop, and he wouldn’t know it if Faith made a mess and cleaned it up. All the same, she held back. Everything in her life right now was just a great big ball of pain and confusion about why she was in pain and anger over that confusion. At least in prison, Faith had understood what was expected of her. Freedom was strangely terrifying, not that she would ever admit that to anyone out loud, save maybe for Angel.

A knock on the door snapped Faith out of her downward spiral into negativity. It was probably someone looking for Giles, but there was a chance that some it was a demon that could walk in the daylight that somehow knew that she was here. Faith patted her boot and felt the knife she kept there in case of emergencies, and after a moment to prepare herself for the worst, she stood up and went to open the door.

It was Buffy. Not Buffy and Giles, or Buffy and Willow, or Buffy and all the other Scoobies. Just Buffy, and Faith couldn’t be happier. For some crazy reason, Buffy had decided to share her pain with Faith alone, and while Faith hated that Buffy had to suffer what she was going through, she almost felt like she could confide in Buffy. The moment the thought popped into Faith’s head, she shoved it back down, feeling like an idiot. _Buffy’s being honest with you because she needs you. Doesn’t give you permission to just ask whatever you want of her. You’re not on her level, Faith, and you never will be._ It hurt to have to remind herself of that fact, and she needed to remind herself more often than she wanted to, but that was the truth for you.

Silently stepping aside, Faith let Buffy walk past her into the house. Faith closed the door without a word, not sure if Buffy was here for Giles or for Faith or for something entirely unrelated. “Um… Giles is at the store. Hasn’t been a ton of demon-y stuff going down, at least during the day, so-“

“Faith, it’s okay,” Buffy said with what sounded like genuine warmth in her voice. Faith saw the slightest hint of a smile, and dammit, but now she knew what it meant when people mentioned hearts skipping a beat. She had to keep it together. “I came to see you.”

Faith nodded. “Sure thing. We’re alone, so if you need to just be… Y’know… Not all pretending and stuff… Yeah, sure.”

Buffy held up a hand. “No, that’s not why I’m here. But, thank you for thinking of me like that.” Buffy took a deep breath. “Why are you thinking of me like that? I mean… How do I put this? Faith… You and I have had a lot of issues in the past. You did a lot of stuff to hurt me. And looking back, I maybe did a lot to hurt you, only I wasn’t really seeing it clearly at the time.

“The point is that you should hate me. Why don’t you?”

Faith couldn’t help herself as she burst out into laughter. “I’m… I’m sorry, B,” Faith said as she held her side while she laughed. “It’s not funny, it really isn’t. But I’ve been wondering that same thing every day that I’ve known you, as best I can remember. Just the other way around, is what I mean. I don’t have a reason to hate you. You say you did stuff to me, but I was just a big ball of stupid who didn’t know a good thing when it hit her in the face. Why don’t _you_ hate _me?_

Buffy was trying to look angry, but she was failing, Faith could tell. Soon, her own laughter became infectious, and the two slayers were soon laughing together. Before long they had both collapsed onto the floor, sprawling out until they both propped themselves up into a sitting position.

Finally, Buffy spoke. “I used to hate you, Faith, but it was because I didn’t understand you. And I don’t want to pretend that I do now, because I don’t. But I think that even if I wasn’t awful to you way back when, I wasn’t as decent as I could have been. And that’s why I’m here right now. I don’t want you to feel so isolated and alone that you feel you have nowhere to turn if things get rough.”

Faith shook her head, smiling despite feeling like crap. “I did have somewhere to turn, B. You stuck yourself out on a limb for me when no one else even cared that I existed. And I was too stupid to even realize it.”

Buffy sighed. “Well, I think we’ve both grown up at least a little since then, so hear me out. I’ve got an open guest bedroom in my house, and it could go from being a guest bedroom to being, well, your bedroom. It would make things easier on Giles, and you’d have a roof over your head, and a fridge full of non-British food, and you’d have Dawnie and me around. It’d be like things should have been before.”

Faith wasn’t sure she believed what she was hearing. “You can’t be serious. What about-“

“Willow isn’t happy about it,” Buffy said, correctly anticipating Faith’s line of thought. “But she’s not about to tell me what to do with my own home. Her words. So, if you’re willing to give Willow her space and not pick any fights, then she’ll try to do the same. And I meant to come to you about this much sooner, but there was a demon, and it just happened so fast, and then I needed to take a bit of a rest-“

“Buffy!” Faith said, reaching out a hand before thinking better of making physical contact. “Chill. You’re already going through… I have no idea what this must be like. I don’t want to make things even harder on you, for crying out loud.”

“No, Faith, you don’t get it,” Buffy said, her voice sounding weary. “This offer… It’s not just for you.” The blonde slayer’s head was now hanging, and her face was suddenly very sad. “I need you to move in, please. I need someone in that house who I don’t have to pretend with. Someone who I can just be myself with while offering my friends a night out without having to worry about me, so that I don’t have to worry about them. So that I can just stop pretending that things are all right, that they’ll ever be all right.”

Faith couldn’t see the tears, but she could hear them building up. “Please, Faith. I need you.”

There it was. How Faith had longed to hear those words from Buffy’s lips to her own ears. In her deepest, most secret fantasies, Buffy would need Faith, and Faith would be there for her, and everything would be all right because it meant that the one person Faith cared about most felt the same way.

But this was different. Buffy wasn’t looking at Faith the way that she longed to see. Buffy didn’t love Faith, and she never would. She was simply lost and alone, and Faith was the only bit of flotsam to cling to in the storm that Buffy’s life had become. Faith knew the feeling well, and she knew that even if her secret desires would never come true, it didn’t matter at all. Buffy needed her, so Faith would be there for her.

“Yeah. Of course, B. We can head back whenever you’re ready. Just take your time to… Pull yourself together, I guess? And that’s fine. You’re in a crap place, so do what you gotta do. I’m the last person to judge, so you just be you on your own schedule.”

Buffy sniffled as she dried her tears on her shirt. “I still don’t know why you don’t hate me,” she said. “But I’m really glad that you don’t.”

_How to answer that? How to say ‘I never hated you, Buffy. Ever since I first heard a story about you from my Watcher, I was kind of in love with you.’ How do I say that?_

Faith decided to smile and joke. Buffy needed to smile. “Well, don’t thank me yet. You know as well as I do how much we eat after a good slay. Gonna need to double the food budget.”

Faith had hoped that Buffy would laugh, but instead she looked close to tearing up again. She didn’t start to cry, but Faith realized too late that she’d touched a sore spot. “Well, Faith,” Buffy said carefully. “About that… Money’s been tight. Like, super-tight. And we need to replace all the plumbing in the entire house, and Xander wouldn’t even let me look at an estimate as to what that might cost. Not to mention electricity, the mortgage, possible medical bills, a college fund for Dawn-“

“Okay, B. I get it,” Faith said. “Damn. I’ll still stay with you if you need me to, B, but I don’t want to make things worse.”

Buffy smiled despite herself. “I don’t suppose you have a fairy godmother by any chance? Or a secret rich uncle who maybe left you his very large fortune?”

Faith didn’t laugh at Buffy’s joke, because suddenly, things didn’t seem so dire. An idea was forming in Faith’s mind. It was just a possibility, and it wasn’t a sure thing, but maybe…

“Buffy,” Faith said as she stood up from the floor, “let’s make a quick stop before we head back to your place, okay? I might be able to help. To be clear, this is very much a maybe situation. I don’t know if there’s anything waiting for me, but if there is, then it’ll all be yours. We’re gonna stop by the bank, okay?”

Buffy chuckled humorlessly. “You gonna rob it or something?”

“Even here in Sunny-D, bank robbery’s not the best way to make a payday. No, I just have a hunch, is all.”

Buffy got to her feet and looked Faith in the eye with a not-quite-smile. “All right, then. Let’s get going.”

* * *

As Faith opened the door and stepped into Sunnydale Municipal Bank, she felt more than a little self-conscious. She had never been in a bank before, nor had she even had a reason to be. For her entire life, Faith had been accustomed to what she remembered being called ‘liquid assets’ on some TV show about murder mysteries. Cash was simple and generally preferable for the kind of rough-and-tumble lifestyle that Faith had lived through, growing up on the streets of Boston.

Buffy was right behind her, and Faith looked back to see that she also looked uncomfortable, but it probably had nothing to do with the setting. Buffy was probably just still shell-shocked from being formerly dead. Still, Buffy probably knew banks better than Faith herself did, so maybe engaging her would help a bit.

“So, B,” Faith said, “I’m guessing we don’t go to the counter if we have a question that’s bigger than cashing a check right?” Faith only knew what a check looked like from TV, and the whole notion of ‘cashing a check’ wasn’t something she was familiar with, save again from hearing about it on television.

Buffy nodded and led Faith over to an area with a few short black cordons that would hold a line of people when the bank was busy. Thankfully, not a lot of people were there today, so a middle-aged man with glasses, wearing a suit waved the two of them over to a cubicle-like office.

“Please, take a seat,” he said with a smile on his face. After Faith and Buffy both did so, he adjusted his chair to look at them both. “Now, how can I help you today?”

Faith turned to Buffy, a bit more wary now that the moment was upon them. “This might be kinda strange, B, so try not to freak out.” Turning back to the banker, Faith paused before speaking. “So, um… The last time I had a job in Sunnydale was about two and a half years ago. I worked as a… How do I put this? I was a part-timer at City Hall, and while I always thought it was mostly a volunteer gig, I was just wondering if there was any actual account made in my name here that I never thought to ask about before?”

Faith looked to Buffy and saw the blonde looking at her with a look that seemed equal parts confusion and disgust. Faith didn’t want to bring up the supernatural in the middle of a bank, so she just shrugged in the hopes of placating her sister slayer.

Thankfully, the banker didn’t look at her strangely, seemingly intent on providing service with a smile. “Of course. City Hall was always meticulous about record-keeping during Mayor Wilkins’ time as Mayor. Things haven’t been the same since that horrible accident at the school, I’m sad to say, but records from before then should be easy enough to look up. I’m going to need your full name, place of residence during your time working for City Hall, and photographic identification.

“Faith Lehane, 512 Palm Street, Apartment 3A. And lemme get an ID out of my pocket. Gimme a sec,” Faith said as she got up and rummaged through her pants pocket for a California state ID that had been issued to her just before she’d been locked away in prison. Faith had never needed an official ID before then, but the LAPD had experience with cases like hers, so it hadn’t been a huge deal for them at the time, or so she thought.

The banker, whose name tag read ‘Franklin,’ accepted the information and took her ID card before turning to his computer and entering the results. She hadn’t stayed in the apartment for very long, but it had been the first place in a long time where she’d felt comfortable and safe, so the address was ridiculously easy to recall.

Faith wasn’t sure what to expect, but the Mayor had actually given a damn about Faith. Apart from Angel, he was the only man she had ever met that had displayed zero sexual interest in her. Even Giles might look away at an outfit that showed off her curves enough for him to take notice, as if looking too close would make him a deviant. And the Mayor had been the one who had left Faith the gizmo that had let her switch bodies with Buffy. There couldn’t have been a lot of time after she’d gone into that coma before the Mayor was due to ascend, and he’d still taken time to make a video for her in case she did wake up. He might have been evil on some level, but he’d actually cared about Faith, and no matter how much Buffy and her friends might judge her, she’d never be able to hate him.

Franklin the banker was taking longer at his computer than Faith had expected, but then again, she didn’t really know what was normal here. And then his eyes widened behind his glasses, and he turned to look at Faith again. “Please excuse me for a moment. There actually is some paperwork filed in back. If you’ll just give me a few minutes, I’ll go fetch it.”

Faith nodded as Franklin exited his little cubicle-office and made off with haste to some back room or another, and that did not sit well with her. Turning to Buffy, she whispered, “He can’t call the cops, can he? I’m in the clear, and haven’t done anything since I got out. That’s what a pardon means, right?”

Buffy just nodded. “I think so,” she whispered back. “More importantly, what were you thinking?! You’re going back to the Mayor to look for money? How is this in any way a good idea?”

“Chill, B,” Faith said carefully. “I know he was technically evil and all that, but… You weren’t around the guy for that long. Dude was serious about doing things the ‘right way,’ whatever that might be for any given thing. If he gave his word, he kept it. Whether it was a deal with a demon or a contract with a union or something like that, he treated it all about the same, which was both seriously and with a smile. It sounds messed up, I know, but that’s how he was. If there is any money here – and that is a big ‘if’ – then it’ll be above board, I promise. I know it’s not ideal, but he’s gone, you’re still here, so if there’s anything that can help you and Lil D out at all, I say we take it.”

Buffy looked for a moment like she might be ready to argue the point, but for whatever reason, she decided not to, slumping back into her seat. Faith thought she understood where Buffy was coming from. For all that she was the ultimate heroine, Buffy tended to think of things in black-and-white, or at least that had been how Faith had seen her initially. Her confusion about why Faith didn’t hate her seemed to confirm an inability to see shades of grey. If Buffy thought that she was benefiting from something ‘tainted,’ then she might not take it. Faith had never had the luxury of looking a gift horse in the mouth, and if Buffy needed money as much as Faith thought she did… Well, that would be a problem to solve later.

For now, Faith was wondering what had shaken the banker so much. Was there actually paperwork he had to get, or did he stumble upon something that implicated Faith in the Mayor’s dirty dealings? He might have had a code about how he handled things, but Faith had basically been an assassin in his employ. Sure, she’d been pardoned, but who was to say this guy here knew about that? And what if he didn’t care?

Every cell in Faith’s body was telling her to book it, to get out of the bank and run as far away as she could. But Buffy was sitting right next to her, and Faith had said she’d be there for her. And the last time Faith had run away from the cops with Buffy, it had ruined things for everyone. _Not again. Not this time._

An aside glance revealed Franklin the banker returning with a number of very thick folders full of paperwork, and Faith let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “Well, that’s not what I was expecting,” Faith said with complete sincerity.

“My sincerest apologies, Miss Lehane,” Franklin said, and he sounded genuine. “After the Mayor’s death, there was an absurd amount of paperwork between various agencies regarding the Wilkins family fortune. A good portion went to charities, and also to public works and services, and also to various friends and employees. Somehow, in all of that chaos, you were overlooked, Miss Lehane, and I can only hope to get you what you have been owed for over two years now.”

“Hold on a sec,” Faith said as she held up a hand. “You’re saying he actually left stuff to me in his will or whatever?” It had been a wild gamble when Faith had thought about it at first. She had never really expected anything of the sort to actually be true.

“Yes, of course,” Franklin said. “According to a rather late addendum to his final will and testament, Mayor Wilkins singled out you, Faith Lehane, by name. At the very end of his will, after bequeathing various amounts of money and property… Give me just a minute, please. Ah, here we are. ‘The remainder of my assets, I bequeath to Faith Lehane, the daughter I never thought I’d have, but was blessed to discover all the same.’”

Faith had understood on some level that the Mayor cared for her, but she hadn’t ever really thought he’d meant it like that. Nobody ever cared for Faith Lehane more than they needed to.

Franklin was flipping through a number of pages. “Apparently, when he died, you were in the hospital. Comatose, my goodness! Mayor Wilkins made sure that your medical bills were covered in their entirety for as long as you were a patient, and a number of stocks and bonds were transferred into your name, along with a substantial sum of money into a savings account here at Sunnydale Municipal. Put quite simply, Miss Lehane, you have enough to live quite comfortably for the rest of your life, and if managed properly, enough to leave a fair amount behind for any children you might have.”

Faith looked to Buffy as if she might have an answer for this. Buffy was looking at her, just as confused. “I’m sorry,” Faith said as she turned back to Franklin, “but no disrespect, Sunnydale’s not exactly the biggest of towns. If this is my money now, can I ask you how in the world I got so much of it?”

Franklin cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overwhelm you. I’m quite shocked myself. But, it seems that the Wilkins family, over the course of three generations, made a number of investments in various companies that if I didn’t know any better, would seem quite prescient. Pharmaceuticals, entertainment, construction, industry, etcetera. If there was a major innovator in pretty much any field of commerce, the Wilkins family invested in the companies that would go on to be most successful. And the family’s spending habits were quite frugal for people with so much wealth. To put it colloquially, Miss Lehane, the Mayor left you several jackpots worth of money. You obviously meant a great deal to him.”

Faith nodded as understanding bloomed. The guy must have had either some look into the future or else just an uncanny business instinct to work up a fortune to pour into Sunnydale as his masterpiece. He was probably going to spend more after he ascended in ways that Faith couldn’t understand, but there were more important things to think of right now.

“So, um… Franklin, right?” Faith said carefully. “If I wanted to give some of that money to my friend, Buffy, right over here… How would I do that? How do I make it so that she never has to worry about bills or college or any of that stuff ever again?”

Before Franklin could respond, Faith found herself pulled to the side as Buffy wrapped her arms around Faith and held her in a fierce hug. Stopping herself from recoiling at physical contact like usual, Faith just leaned in and patted Buffy on the head. “I’ve got you, B. I’ve got you.”

“Why?” Buffy said at last. “Why are you doing this for me? Why don’t you hate me, Faith?”

All of a sudden, Faith realized why Buffy was having such a hard time accepting that Faith didn’t hate her. _She hates herself,_ Faith realized. _She hates being here, she hates what her friends did to her, and she hates that she’s relying on the screw-up slayer for anything. She hates that she’s alive._ If Faith was right, then Buffy was in frighteningly familiar territory.

“Let’s worry about that later, okay? For now, just let me be here for you, okay? It’s the least I can do after you offered me a place to stay.”

Franklin cleared his throat. “As a matter of fact, 512 Palm Street, Apartment 3A is still listed as being leased by you, with rent and other associated bills being paid by-“

“Well, you can stop with the payments now, okay?” Faith said more harshly than she might have needed to say it. “I don’t need that apartment anymore. I have someone else who needs me now, so you’re gonna help me get her set up, okay?”

If Franklin was offended, he didn’t show it. Faith admired that the guy seemed truly genuine as a banker trying to help people. “Very well, then. Let’s get started. If you can give me the needed information, Miss…?”

“Summers,” the blonde slayer said at last. “Buffy Summers. And thank you, Faith. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you for this.”

“If he’s right about how much the Mayor left me, you never will, but I wouldn’t take it from you even if you tried. I owe you, B. Let me do this for you.”

Buffy sighed, and then allowed herself a small smile. “Okay, then. Let’s do this.”


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faith looked up into the window just in time to see something far worse than a creepy old man or a horny teenage boy. Faith retreated into the shadows as she saw one of those horny teenage boys sink his teeth into the old man’s neck as only a vampire could.
> 
> _Dammit, Dawn. Between you and Buffy… What is it with Summers women and vampires, anyway?_

### Chapter Twelve

The past few weeks had been a pure rush for Faith. She’d gone from living off of Giles’s charity to suddenly being wealthier than she’d ever imagined possible, and she had a solid place to stay so long as she didn’t make trouble with Willow. A normal person could take all of that and live happily ever after with no strings attached.

Alas, Faith was not just a slayer, but she also bore the burden of helping the real slayer keep herself from falling apart. The luxuries of her new situation didn’t really seem to register yet, nor did the vampires and other assorted demons that she’d had to fight. One such demon had even attacked the bank just as she and Buffy were leaving, and three assholes had used it as a distraction to try and rob the place. When Buffy had gone for the demon, Faith had gone for the bank robbers, but when it became clear that the thing was stronger than Buffy could handle alone in her current state, Faith had settled for unmasking the guys and lending Buffy a hand. The bank’s cameras would catch their faces, and then the cops could take over.

After that, things began to settle into an uneasy rhythm, but a rhythm all the same. After a lot of paperwork, Faith was financially solid, as were Buffy and Dawn. The bank had recommended a few people to help with long-term management of the money to make sure that nobody wasted the fortune without realizing it. So far, Faith and Buffy were content just to have a safety net. Dawn had whined a bit about not being able to live like a movie star, but thankfully, Buffy had steered her towards appreciating things like home security, running water, and most important of all, an experienced attorney to help in case Child Protective Services ever decided to come knocking.

That last point caused Faith no small amount of bitterness. Dawn was just a kid who’d been dealt an awful hand, but she had people looking out for her who truly knew what was best for her. Faith wasn’t bitter towards Dawn, but towards the system that would waste its time on tearing apart a close-knit family while neglecting kids who really did need to be taken away from their alcoholic mothers who wavered between absent and abusive. Why did it have to be the worst of both ends of the system when it came to Dawn and to Faith?

And damn, but if she wasn’t getting sentimental, but Faith wanted to keep the brat safe. And it wasn’t just out of gratitude for Buffy, or to keep another kid from suffering as she had. Just being around Dawn made Faith feel like she really was the cool big sister that she liked to pretend she was. Whatever the case, if it helped make Buffy feel at ease, then it would be all the easier for Faith to keep an eye on the brat.

Before she knew it, September and October had flown on by, and now Faith found herself in The Magic Box to help with the big Halloween sale. Not really knowing where anything was or what it did, while everyone else helped satisfy customers perusing the wares, Faith stood beside Anya and bagged the various items for the customers. Some of the merchandise was just souvenir-type material, a few toys, and the like. The rest was either books or ingredients for any number of spells and rituals that Faith knew nothing about. So she contended herself with bagging various goods and wishing customers a Happy Halloween. It wasn’t hard work, but it was tedious and boring. Still, she tried not to let it show, if only for Anya’s sake.

Buffy had told Faith that Anya had been one of the few people in her life who genuinely didn’t care one way or the other about Faith being in the mix in Sunnydale, and it showed. Anya’s presence in Faith’s life had been minimal, mostly consisting of a minor greeting and farewell when she came to train in the back of the shop and when she left. It also soon became clear that Anya was jealous of Faith’s instant wealth, and Faith couldn’t tell if it was because of the fortune itself or the lack of effort with which she’d obtained it.

Regardless, it was more of something for Anya to whine about rather than make a huge commotion over. Also, she had warned Faith away from Xander. Adding to the damage that Willow had done, mentioning Faith’s past use of and discarding of Xander for sexual release had been enough to drive away Anya’s doubts in taking part in the spell that had ripped Buffy away from what sounded like paradise. Faith had assured Anya that she had no designs on Xander, but she made a note to keep an eye on Willow. The girl was a genius, but Faith wasn’t convinced that those smarts were being used for the right reasons.

Finally, the day drew to a close, and the shop closed its doors. It was only 5:00 in the evening, so as to give everyone time to celebrate properly, and for kids to trick-or-treat or whatever it was that normal people did on Halloween. Faith leaned back on a shelf below a window, watching Anya and Dawn do some sort of silly dance with dollar bills in their hands. It was such a stupid thing to take joy in, and Faith couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle at how absurd it was.

Xander was getting to his feet from off the floor, next to Buffy, and was calling for everyone’s attention. “There’s something that Anya and I want to tell you,” he said as he moved behind the counter and put an arm around his girlfriend. They said a few words to each other quietly, and then both turned to smile at everyone. “We’re getting married!”

The reactions were instant. Dawn and Tara were both happy for them. Giles seemed noncommittal. Willow looked uncomfortable. And Buffy’s face was wearing a familiar mask made up of a faint smile to hide her uncertainty with how to react to anything and everything that the world had to offer. The important thing was that Xander and Anya both looked happy. They seemed to glow. Faith didn’t really care one way or the other, but she put on a smile if only to avoid seeming out of place.

After that, they all retired back to the Summers house to celebrate a bit more properly. While those who knew the happy couple better took time to talk to them, Faith kept her gaze alternating back and forth between Buffy and Dawn. Both needed looking after in their own way, and somehow, Faith had entered into a dynamic with the two of them. Somehow, without meaning to, Faith had found herself caught up in any number of sisterly squabbles. Sometimes Buffy overreacted, and Faith would tell her to chill while she looked after Dawn and encouraged her to have some fun, and maybe even get into a little trouble. Then came the times when Dawn really _did_ go too far, and Buffy was too close to make a real impression on her, so Faith would step in and scare the kid straight. On any given day, Faith would be the good cop, the bad cop, or both with either or both sisters.

And then the first hiccup in the evening happened. Faith tried never to refer to anything as ‘just one’ small issue. There were always more to be had in any given situation, and the first in the evening came after a comment about decorating for the next party, and Willow had taken the opportunity to conjure some party decorations for the room. Faith thought that it was a nifty little party trick, but as she surveyed the room, she saw Tara and Giles share a worried look, and that in turn worried Faith.

And again, it came back to Willow. Honestly, Faith didn’t see the problem with something small like this, but if Tara and Giles did, then maybe Faith was missing something. Both of them knew Willow better than she did, and both of them were among the few individuals that Faith genuinely respected.

If Faith had to guess at the issue, it would be like if she had decided to splurge on every little thing in every little store that caught her eye. Faith was, well, she was rich now, but she wasn’t going to flaunt it and waste away at that money a little at a time. Was Tara concerned that Willow was going on the magical equivalent of a spending spree? Did Willow have enough magic to _afford_ a magical spending spree?

Faith tuned back into the conversation just in time to hear Dawn say, “See you all tomorrow?” Faith listened as Dawn hashed out with Buffy that she was spending the night at her friend’s place. Friend’s name was Janice, and Buffy seemed hesitant about letting Dawn go out alone at night. Demons were supposed to take Halloween off, ironically enough. Faith wasn’t so sure, and even if there wasn’t any supernatural mischief going down, there was no telling what sort of trouble two teenage girls could get up to if they went looking for it. Faith remembered herself at that age, when sex had started to be something she actively sought out for solace when she wasn’t being pimped out to guys who liked to punish naughty girls.

As Dawn seemingly won the battle with Buffy, after slipping out the door, Faith sidled up to the other slayer’s side. “I’ll watch her, B. You stay here and have a good time. I can shadow her, let her have a good time without her seeing me, but I’ll be there for her the moment something goes wrong. Not that something will go wrong, but if it does…”

“Thank you, Faith,” Buffy said with a smile that seemed slightly less like a mask. “I’ll try to have a good time.”

“You do that, B. I gotta go. Don’t want to let the trail run cold.”

Faith went out the back door and followed Dawn at a distance. The kid deserved to have fun, and even if she got into a bit of mischief, Faith wouldn’t stop her. She wasn’t a mom, or any other sort of authority figure who knew what was best for a kid. It was the serious stuff that worried Faith. Not for herself, but for Dawn. Why she felt so insistent about protecting Buffy’s sister, she didn’t know, but Faith had survived by trusting her gut instincts, so she wasn’t about to ignore them now.

Dawn did not stick to the streets and instead wound her way through a few alleys between buildings. Faith followed, using the dark and the shadows for cover, and eventually she heard two girls giggling and bragging to each other about how they’d fooled their respective families into thinking they were staying at the other’s house. That was the kind of behavior that could get Dawn killed. If Buffy ever needed to find Dawn, and the place she thought to look was empty… Dawn was putting both herself and stupid little Janice in danger for the sake of feeling a bit of freedom, maybe?

Regardless, Faith now had two people to keep an eye on, and two people to keep from noticing her. Faith kept her distance, letting her dark hair and dark clothing help her blend into the night as Dawn and Janice approached a park full of rowdy teenagers. Two guys, both were at least a year or two older than Dawn, greeted the two girls. Janice already seemed to know one of them, and the other was soon making Dawn’s acquaintance.

Now Faith was uneasy. On the one hand, it could be an innocent get-together, and even if sex was involved, Dawn was supposed to be responsible enough to insist upon protection before trying anything. On the other hand, they were teenage boys, bigger and stronger than either girl, and if they decided that they wanted to play, then neither Dawn nor Janice would be able to stop them if they took what they wanted.

No foul play yet, however, so Faith continued to wait, watch, and follow. The four kids came to a nice-looking house, but the way they stood in the front yard indicated a bit of fear, at least on the part of the girls. The guys seemed to be getting a kick out of winding them up for some prank. Faith recognized the routine. Dare the girls to do something stupid that would make them feel brave, then show them appreciation for said bravery. Flattery led to bonding and bonding led to talking, and then talking led to kissing, and by then, the girls’ lips would be covered and unable to cry out for help.

It could go down differently, but Faith’s guard was up. Dawn decided to be the ‘brave’ one between herself and Janice and went to hold up the house’s jack-o-lantern. The front door opened to reveal a pudgy old man. He didn’t look grumpy or angry at all. No, this was worse. He was inviting them in. Faith rolled her eyes. On top of two horny teenage boys, now there was a creepy old man to deal with.

Faith couldn’t follow inside the house, but she could circle around and try to get a look in through the windows. It took a while for her to find an angle where she could peek inside without giving herself away, but she only managed to find a narrow view of the kitchen. She tried to find an angle to look deeper into the house, but had to duck quickly when the old man and one of the guys came into the kitchen from some other room.

Faith looked up into the window just in time to see something far worse than a creepy old man or a horny teenage boy. Faith retreated into the shadows as she saw one of those horny teenage boys sink his teeth into the old man’s neck as only a vampire could.

_Dammit, Dawn. Between you and Buffy… What is it with Summers women and vampires, anyway?_ The thought was sarcastic, but unlike Angel, Faith highly doubted that either of these two ‘boys’ had a soul, and Faith was near certain that both of them were vampires. How had Dawn not noticed that they were cold to the touch?

Faith heard the girls come running out the front door laughing. The vamps must’ve made a show about almost getting in trouble or something. The freaks had probably done this to a bunch of girls when they were alive, and were just following routine now that they literally had all the time in the world. Well, their time was up.

“Hey!” Faith shouted, dropping all pretense of stealth as she stormed down the street. “Dawn Summers, you little brat! Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!”

Dawn whirled to look at her friend Janice, their faces screaming ‘busted.’ More importantly, the vampires were putting on their innocent faces. They probably just believed that a family member had come looking for the girls. And in a strange way, they were right. Except that Faith wasn’t as defenseless as they might expect.

“Faith, I can explain,” Dawn began, her face quickly turning to panic at what Faith might do to her.

“No, Dawn. You don’t get to talk now. Let’s go over the ways you screwed up this evening. And boys, you better stick around! I have words aplenty for you two.”

“Wouldn’t dream of leaving, ma’am,” one of them said with a knowing look.

Faith glowered at Dawn and her friend. “Okay, so Dawn and Janice, I take it? You played a game where you both pretended to stay at the other’s place so you could go and hang out with some cute boys without your families coming down hard on you. Do I have that much right, at least?”

Dawn glared back. “And this response of yours? Seeing any reason why I might’ve felt the need to get away for a little bit?”

Faith nodded. “Yeah, I get it. More than you think. Here’s the part that you don’t get, however. And you really, really should’ve known better.”

In a flash, Faith grabbed a stake from her jacket pocket and plunged it into the heart of the vampire wearing a letterman jacket. As he burst into dust and ash, the other ‘boy’ leaped back in horror and brought his fangs out. “Slayer,” he said, properly recognizing Faith for what she was.

Faith didn’t waste her breath on a comeback, not with Dawn in the crossfire. Faith merely advanced on the vampire, who decided not to take his chances and fled with inhuman speed.

Janice screamed, and Dawn was covering her mouth with her hand as she hyperventilated. Hopefully the scare would be enough, but there would be words to be had with Dawn and Buffy both later on. “Both of you, with me. We’re going back to Dawn’s place, where she will apologize to her sister for being so stupid, and then you will both call your parents, Janice, so that they can come fetch you and tell you just how stupid you were. You know the way to Dawn’s house, right. Get moving,” Faith snarled.

Faith didn’t like being the angry, overbearing one, but if being the scary one helped to keep these two girls out from doing something foolish like this again, then she could live with it.

Neither girl objected. They just walked in front of Faith, where she could keep an eye on them. Neither spoke for a while. As they got closer to home, Dawn turned around. “Faith?”

“Not a word, brat,” Faith said with far less venom. “You think I was scary just now? Wait until Buffy’s through with you.”

And Faith hoped to hell and back that Buffy could be there for Dawn right now. Whatever Buffy might be going through, Dawn needed her big sister, and as much as Faith might finally feel like she had a place to belong, she would never be able to take Buffy’s place. Faith just hope that Buffy realized her own importance before someone else did something that everyone would live to regret.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a day like so many others, and it came and went. The next day, Faith was sitting in the shop, half-reading the comic book in her hand, half checking out the very fine illustrations of She-Hulk, when Buffy came in. After Xander stopped playing with a pair of pastries – Anya seemed familiar with the routine – Buffy inquired about any possible demonic activity, to which everyone answered in the negative.
> 
> Then Buffy asked, “So did anybody… Last night, you know, did anybody, um, burst into song?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter covers the events of the episode "Once More, With Feeling." Some of the dialog and most of the songs are lifted verbatim from that episode. There is some original dialog, and one original song. I'm not anything close to an expert on music, so my apologies if the song I wrote doesn't meet some musical criteria that I don't know about. If you can get past that, however, then I hope you enjoy my take on the Buffy musical episode.

### Chapter Thirteen

Faith was glad to put Halloween behind her, and she doubted that she was the only one. Apparently, Janice’s mother had called the Summers house looking for her daughter, and that had clued everyone else into Dawn’s little scheme, so everyone was out of the house when Faith arrived, dragging two very stupid teenage girls into safety where they wouldn’t need to rely on blind luck to survive.

Faith had sat the two girls down on the sofa in the living room while Faith took a seat on a separate chair. She’d kept an eye on them until Buffy and the others returned. Buffy and Giles were torn between relief and fury, Xander and Anya were less angry and more eager to keep with celebrating their engagement. And Tara made a point of storming upstairs, leaving Willow behind once it was clear that Dawn was out of danger.

Janice’s mother had come and dragged her daughter off for whatever it was that decent mothers did to keep their kids in line, and Faith talked briefly with Buffy and Giles to fill them in on how things had gone down. Faith was glad that she’d been able to protect the kids, but quite a bit angry that Dawn had done something so stupid. Any other kid, Faith might not have blamed them, but growing up with a slayer for a big sister, Dawn should have known better. The kid had no excuse.

So Faith crawled into bed and reflected on this capstone of the past two months. Time had flown by, and things were beginning to reach a steady equilibrium. Faith was finding herself being not exactly accepted by the rest of Buffy’s friends, but at the very least she was tolerated. Xander and Willow made the most effort to keep their distance, but if there was research to be done in order to better make with the slaying, then they were at least able to talk without shouting each other down.

The three bank robbers had been identified as former students of Sunnydale High School, and all of them had been in the same class as Buffy and her friends, assuming Faith was remembering right about the class of 1999. Their mug shots were in the newspaper, and Faith was informed that one of them was likely the creator of the Buffybot, having previously created his own, personal robotic girlfriend. Another shared a last name with someone who had almost ruined Buffy’s prom, and thankfully that last name wasn’t ‘Lehane.’ The last of them was a kid who’d been bullied mercilessly and had briefly turned suicidal, only for Buffy to talk him down.

If Faith had been the one who’d gone to school and repeatedly saved these idiots’ asses from vampires, demons, and the Hellmouth under the library, she’d tell them to get down on their knees and beg for forgiveness, and not even in a kinky sort of way. Buffy herself was either too forgiving or else too numb to make a big deal out of it, and Faith was worried. Faith had been keeping an eye on Buffy, and for a while it seemed like her sister slayer was going to be overwhelmed by all the sensations of just living a life in the world.

Alas, Buffy had shut herself out to such an extreme that now she was looking to patrol far more often, and insisting that Faith not accompany her. Faith was wondering if Buffy had gone from feeling too much to feeling too little, and she hated that there was nothing she could do about any of it.

So the day after Halloween was spent hanging around The Magic Box in case of any demon activity that needed researching. For the most part, Faith just sat in the corner and read some comics. There wasn’t a ton of choice in comic shops in such a small town, but the internet was slowly turning into a shopping mall, and Faith had found a few places that catered to the superhero fan inside of her. Faith preferred the heroes and villains in Marvel stories to those in DC Comics. Sure, Superman might be awesome, but he was too powerful. Faith liked to ponder the powerful-but-still-human characters in that were Marvel’s thing and fantasize about how she might put up a fight against them (or beside them, in the case that there was a villain too powerful to meet one-on-one).

It was a day like so many others, and it came and went. The next day, Faith was sitting in the shop, half-reading the comic book in her hand, half checking out the very fine illustrations of She-Hulk, when Buffy came in. After Xander stopped playing with a pair of pastries – Anya seemed familiar with the routine – Buffy inquired about any possible demonic activity, to which everyone answered in the negative.

Then Buffy asked, “So did anybody… Last night, you know, did anybody, um, burst into song?”

Faith looked up from the lovely illustration of She-Hulk and realized that Buffy was actually serious. More than that, everyone else in the room looked like they were suddenly coming to a realization.

“Merciful Zeus!” Xander said by way of exclamation.

“We thought it was just us!” Willow said as she came closer with Tara beside her. Whatever had caused them to fight the other night seemed entirely forgotten. Given how upset Tara had seemed the other night, it didn’t seem like the normal, albeit rare, fights between the two, but Faith wasn’t about to pry.

Tara herself chimed in, “We were talking, and then it was like-“

Buffy finished, “Like you were in a musical.”

Faith wondered if whatever was happening had left her out, or if she simply had yet to suffer its effects. Everyone was sharing their stories about their songs and dance numbers. At last, Giles asked Buffy, “What did you sing about?”

Buffy paused a moment before answering, “I don’t remember.”

Faith doubted that very much. That wasn’t an ‘I don’t remember’ sort of pause. That was a ‘How do I avoid talking about this’ pause. Faith wasn’t about to push the issue either way, but she did decide to chime in. “I didn’t sing. Or dance, or anything. Maybe I don’t get my number until later in the show. I dunno.”

It didn’t take long for Faith to be proven at least half-wrong. Giles started singing about he had a theory, with everyone in the shop chiming in. Faith didn’t have any lines of her own, but she did join in the chorus about being able to face anything together.

“Okay, I get it now,” Faith said. “Damn, that was weird.”

After a brief back-and-forth, Anya asked the very smart question about whether it was only happening to them, and if so, it would indicate a spell.

By way of answer, Buffy went to the shop’s front door, opened it, and Faith could hear a crowd of people singing from the cleaners across the street. “They got the mustard out!” was the choir sung by a strangely harmonious group of random people.

Closing the door, Buffy stated the obvious. “It’s not just us.”

Faith helped everyone research until Dawn came in after school let out, and she learned that Dawn and her class had also broken into song. Apparently math was involved. Soon after, Willow and Tara made a very, very poor excuse of looking for a book back at the house, and Faith expected that they were looking for an excuse for some make-up sex. Faith wasn’t in a position to judge, so she stayed silent while they went to have their fun.

The day passed with no breakthroughs, and Faith spent the night patrolling the streets while Buffy took a break. Every now and then, Faith thought that she could hear a rapid sort of tapping of something hard on the sidewalk or the street. She didn’t pay it any mind until she heard screaming at one point. Running as fast as she could, Faith arrived in time to see a man dancing in place so fast that he literally burst into flames and fried himself to a crisp. Faith rushed over to his body, careful not to touch it. Even if she was innocent, she didn’t want to leave any trace of herself on a dead body for the cops to use to pin her to the wall. A close examination told Faith that he was dead.

Feeling a sudden sense of dread, Faith rushed back to the three other spots where she’d heard the tapping, and she found three more dead bodies, all of them burned in the same way. And now Faith was worried for herself, Buffy, and the rest. If song led to dance, and if dance led to death, then this might not be such a harmless thing after all.

The next morning, Faith caught up with Giles as he was being pestered by Xander and Anya. Faith stood off to the side and let them vent, and what she heard caused her to feel a cold jolt of fear pierce her heart. The two lovebirds had spontaneously poured out their various doubts and misgivings about each other through song, unable to stop themselves. Faith had called Giles last night after her patrol to report about the burning bodies, and he was explaining what he’d learned in the interim to Xander and Anya, who respectively seemed more concerned with spilling secrets and the lack of commercial success their song was likely to generate.

Faith spent the day at The Magic Box looking into what Giles thought was a demon, but without a name, there was a lot of searching with no real answers to be found. Buffy went into the back to train with Giles as it began to get dark, and Faith thought she could hear Giles singing something slow and maybe a bit sad. Faith had to give the man credit for having a nice singing voice.

Faith saw Tara run by her quickly up the stairs to where a bunch of books were kept. They tended to be the not-for-sale kinds of books that were either used for research or else were too dangerous to use and unable to be disposed of safely. And then Tara started singing. Faith was trying to concentrate on finding the demon in the books in front of her, so she didn’t hear the song very clearly, but she did take notice when Giles and Tara began to sing in tandem. Looking up, Faith saw the two of them looking at Buffy and Willow on the other side of the shop, and Faith caught the lyrics, “Wish that I could stay.”

That didn’t sound like the Giles or Tara that Faith knew. Giles wouldn’t leave Buffy’s side when she needed him most. And Tara and Willow were that rare couple that actually worked out really well. Faith sighed and went to return her book, going up the staircase that Tara had just descended, and she found an open book with a small plant on the pages. Right next to the plant was a diagram of the same thing, with a description. It read, ‘Lethe’s Bramble. Used for augmenting spells of forgetting and mind control.’

Faith’s thoughts immediately went back to Tara’s part of her duet, and she felt a chill run down her spine. Had Willow used magic to make Tara forget their argument? More to the point, if Willow was willing to violate her own lover’s mind, what other boundaries would she cross without care?

Faith would have to tell Buffy. So long as Willow was living under her roof, none of them were safe. Faith remembered her rapid descent into villainy, how she’d done what she did out of want for acceptance and love, even if it had come with a price that she’d been too blind to see at the time. If only for Buffy’s sake, Willow needed to be stopped, but would she ever listen to a word that Faith had to say? Would she listen to Tara, her own lover, if she was willing to make her forget a fight rather than solve the problem by talking?

The door burst open, and there stood the vampire, Spike, holding a creature that looked like a person-sized wooden puppet. Spike was a mystery. He didn’t have a soul, but he still helped sometimes, even if there was no demon for him to pummel in the end. Could a soulless being have wants and desires that caused him to ally with the slayer? Did it matter if he was doing things for the right reasons or merely out of self-interest? And what was Spike’s self-interest? Faith didn’t know, and that worried her.

Still, he had brought what seemed to be a minion of the Big Bad Musical Monster, who told Buffy in the dullest, least musical way possible that his master had Dawn, and that at midnight, they’d be going to some sort of hell together, and that he wanted Buffy to come to him.

The demon escaped Spike’s grasp and fled out the front door. After a bit of non-blaming, Buffy asked, “What’s the plan?”

Xander actually said something not entirely stupid when he answered, “Plan, schman. Let’s mount up.”

Which made Giles’s abrupt, “No” seem that much more shocking.

Anya, for once not thinking about self-gratification, brought up demonic child-bride deals and how they tended not to end well.

“We’re not just gonna stay here?” Willow protested.

“Yes we are,” Giles answered firmly. “Buffy’s going alone.”

Faith was rushing down the stairs and to the front of the shop now. Buffy’s face looked like it was barely holding itself together.

Spike, of all not-quite-people, got in Giles’s face. “Don’t be a stupid git,” he said.

Giles cut the vampire off, calmly saying that he would never want Spike’s opinion. Faith made a note to ask Buffy about the bleach-blonde vampire sooner rather than later.

Willow piped up, “A little confusion spell could-“

“No!” Tara interrupted quickly, and Faith felt that her fears were confirmed.

Spike turned his back on the Scoobies to face Buffy. “Forget it, Slayer. I’ve got your back.”

“I thought you wanted me to stay away from you,” Buffy answered coldly. “Isn’t that what you sang?”

Now Faith was even more intrigued, and she wasn’t sure if this was a sign of something good, something bad, or something horribly ugly.

Spike replied, “Fine. I hope you dance ‘til you burn. You and the little bit.” Faith guessed that he was referring to Dawn as she watched the vampire storm out of the shop. He sounded like nothing so much as a jilted lover, and that line of thought led to nowhere good, so Faith cut it off before she could think too deeply on it.

Faith couldn’t believe what she was hearing now that Buffy and Giles were getting into how the latter expected the former to do her job alone. That was the story of Faith’s life, and it had led to nothing but ruin for her. Giles should have known better. Why was he saying this stuff?

Before Faith knew it, Buffy was gone from the shop, on her way to the Bronze, where the demon was waiting for her. Faith wanted to go after her, but she also wanted to lay into Giles for abandoning the girl who might as well be his daughter.

It took Faith far too long to figure out what she wanted to say and do, but she stormed to the front of the shop after a few minutes of silent thought. “If Buffy dies, or if Dawn dies,” Faith said to Giles, “then you die. I’m gonna go help B. You keep your head up your ass, you seem to like it there so much.”

So Faith stormed through the streets after Buffy, though she already had quite the head start. And to make things worse, all around town were fires of varying sizes. Some seemed to be the result of damage from dance numbers, and still more seemed to be burning corpses of people who looked like they’d danced themselves to death.

As much as Faith wanted to help Buffy, she felt compelled to try and stop people from singing and dancing as she passed them. After pulling and shouting didn’t work, Faith settled for punching people in the face. So long as they were unconscious, they couldn’t sing or dance or hurt themselves or anyone else.

Finally, after a long, circuitous path, Faith found herself in the Bronze, where a red-skinned demon in a navy-blue suit sat on the stage next to Dawn, while Buffy approached him slowly, her friends and Giles standing between Faith and the stage.

And then Buffy sang.

_”There was no pain / No fear, no doubt / ‘Til they pulled me out  
Of heaven  
So that’s my refrain / I live in hell / ‘Cause I’ve been expelled  
From heaven  
I think I was in heaven”_

And then the music picked up the pace, and Buffy sang anew.

_”So, give me something to sing about  
Please, give me something to sing about”_

Buffy almost seemed to be pleading with the demon as she sang, and he merely shook his head.

What Faith saw next horrified her. The music changed into a rapid set of beats that Buffy began to dance to. Faster and faster she danced, and it hit Faith like that knife to the stomach so long ago. Buffy was tired of it all, and heaven or no, she was trying to end her life.

Faith burst through the assembled Scoobies and took Buffy by the shoulders, and at last, Faith heard herself sing. The melody and beats were slow, soft, and tinged with sadness.

_” I would sing you a song / If it could help you along  
But the only thing I can say / Is, ‘Please, Buffy, stay’_

_You think you’re alone / That you can’t ever go home  
You’re worth so much more / You’re someone to live for  
So please, Buffy, stay / Please don’t run away_

_If you run out of fright / Then there goes the light  
Life sucks, for sure / But we all still endure  
So please, Buffy, stay / Please don’t run away_

_Look ‘round at us all / Don’t hesitate, don’t you stall  
See what you’ve got / You have such a lot  
So please, Buffy, stay / Please don’t run away_

_Don’t leave me alone / Don’t put me back in the cold  
Please Buffy, stay / Please don’t run away  
I’ve always been yours, B / I love you, can’t you see?  
Please, Buffy, stay / Please don’t run away_

_I’ll be there for you / Just like you’ve been there for me  
Don’t shut me out now / Please stay with me, B”_

Before Faith could process what she’d just revealed to everyone present, Dawn spoke from the stage. “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it,” she said to Buffy. It sounded like that phrase was something very special, beyond the obvious importance of the words themselves.

Turning to the stage at the sound of clapping, Faith beheld the demon. “Now, that was a show-stopping number. Not quite the fireworks I was hoping for-“

“Get out of here,” Willow snarled from behind Faith.

The demon didn’t seem afraid, but he did say, “Hm. I smell power. I guess the little missus and I should be on our way.”

Faith wasn’t about to let this thing take Dawn, but the fact that he seemed, however subtly, to be eager to get away from Willow did not escape Faith’s notice.

A few words between the demon and Giles revealed that Dawn had summoned said demon.

“I so did not!” Dawn protested. “He keeps saying that!”

The demon leaned over Dawn in a very creepy way. “You have my talisman on you, sweet thing,” he said

“Oh, but… No no no no. I, uh, found this. At The Magic Box, on the floor. I was cleaning, and I forgot… But, I didn’t summon anything,” Dawn said frantically, and Faith believed her. Dawn might be stupid enough to make like a teenage girl and ditch her big sister, but she wasn’t so much of a fool as to summon a demon intentionally.

The demon himself seemed to believe Dawn also. “Well, now, that’s a twist.”

“It was in the shop,” Giles said carefully. “Then, one of us probably…”

Silence cut through the room as everyone looked back and forth at each other before, finally, Xander raised his right hand.

“Xander!” Anya shouted.

“Well, I didn’t know what was going to happen,” Xander fired back with the most pathetic excuse he could have possibly come up with. “I just thought that there were gonna be dances and songs. I just wanted to make sure we’d… We’d work out,” he said to Anya with a silly, stupid smile. “Get a happy ending.”

The demon merely chuckled. “I think everything worked out just fine!” Judging by the pain Buffy was feeling, and that her friends probably felt now that they knew the truth, Faith felt a sudden, very special hatred for this demon that took joy in their collective suffering.

After informing them that Xander would not be joining him as his queen in the underworld, and after ‘congratulating’ them all on ‘beating the bad guy,’ a song played as the demon vanished back into the hell he’d come from.

Faith was disgusted, but not with the demon. Demons were evil and sadistic by nature, so expecting one to be different was just dumb. No, Faith was disgusted with Xander. Unlike Dawn, he wasn’t just a kid. He was an adult who had been helping Buffy fight the good fight for about five years or so. ‘Don’t summon demons’ should be common sense for anyone in their right mind, but for someone who literally helped the slayer fight demons every night…

Faith wondered if anyone would ever take Xander to task for what he’d done. People were dead. They had danced until they’d burst into flame and died, and they would still be alive if not for Alexander Harris. If Faith decided to start keeping score, she could easily say that Xander now had a larger body count than she did, and that he didn’t come forward until Dawn was literally about to be taken to hell to be a child bride… The man-child made her sick.

So Faith blinked to clear her mind, and when her eyes opened, she was looking into Buffy’s eyes once again, and Faith remembered exactly what she’d sung about. She’d just confessed to Buffy and all of the people closest to her exactly how she felt, and despite Faith’s pleas to Buffy to not run away, to stay and to live and to accept the people in her life, Faith couldn’t take being under everyone’s gaze.

So Faith ran. She ran out the door and around the corner into an alley behind the Bronze and wondered if she was going to throw up. Faith didn’t much care how anyone else would look at her now, but Buffy was a different story. Dawn as well, to a far lesser extent, but how could Faith still be there for Buffy? Everyone else now knew exactly what they had done to her, and now they could help Buffy get through this. Faith wanted to be there, but she was so scared. The demon had done to her just what he’d done to everyone else. Her deepest, darkest secrets were laid bare, and there was no putting that genie back in the bottle.

Faith heard footsteps approaching, and she turned around to see Buffy. Distantly, she heard singing, even now, coming from within the Bronze.

“Hey, B,” Faith said quietly. “Look, um… Now that the secret’s out, you don’t need me anymore, right? I’ll just-“

_”I touch the fire, and it freezes me.”_

Faith didn’t know the lyrics to Buffy’s song, but she soon found herself singing a tune of her own, but for the life of her, she couldn’t make out the lyrics or even a melody. All she could tell was that Buffy’s eyes were locked onto her own, and they were slowly walking towards each other.

As they drew close enough for Faith to feel Buffy’s breath from her singing on her own skin, she heard Buffy sing.

_”This isn’t real / But I just wanna feel”_

Or at least, Faith might have heard that if she hadn’t been spellbound by her deepest desires seeming to come true right before her eyes. She didn’t hear the words behind the song, just the swelling music that caught up both slayers in the moment.

Faith didn’t know which one of them kissed the other first, but their lips were locked in a passionate embrace as the two slayers’ hands began roaming other each other. For the first time in a long time, Faith put herself first for a moment as she accepted her heart’s deepest, most secret desire.

Caught up in Buffy’s embrace, she missed the refrain hanging over Sunnydale.

_”Where do we go from here?”_


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy turned her face to the side, no longer looking Faith in the eye. “I don’t know. Whatever I feel for you, Faith… There’s something there, but I don’t know what it is. You got me out of the ground, and you kept my secret, and you set me up to never need money again, and I’m grateful for all of that. But that’s not necessarily love, Faith.”

### Chapter Fourteen

For the last two months, Faith and Buffy had established an understanding of sorts regarding their patrols of Sunnydale at night. Some weeks they’d trade off every other night. Sometimes they’d both go out together, and after a while of instilling fear and/or death into the demon populace, they might take a night off to just relax a bit.

Earlier tonight, Buffy had taken off to patrol alone, without consulting Faith, and she could guess why. Not content to ignore the issue, Faith set out to find Buffy and try to sort things out. She tried not to exhaust herself in pursuit, but she didn’t want Buffy to run away. She had sang to that effect repeatedly the other night, so why couldn’t Buffy listen to her?

It was just after ten o’clock when Faith caught up to her sister slayer, who stopped in her tracks when she heard Faith approach. “What do you want?” Buffy asked coldly.

“What do I want?!” Faith asked incredulously. “What I want is to talk about the other night. Between everything that we all sang, and what happened after… We kissed, Buffy. And it wasn’t one of us leaning into the other, we were both going for it. So don’t shut me out now, okay?”

Buffy laughed humorlessly and turned around to look at Faith. “Of course not. I’m not allowed to try and forget something that happened because of a demon or a spell or whatever. It wasn’t real, Faith. It didn’t mean anything.”

“Really?” Faith said as she crossed her arms over her chest. “I don’t buy that for a second. That kiss… That wasn’t nothing. That was you aching for something, and you chose to ache for me. And after what I sang… Don’t you dare pretend that was nothing, B.”

Buffy threw up her arms in the air and let them fall back down to her sides. “Fine. You’re right, Faith. It wasn’t nothing, but I don’t know what it was. And as for what you sang… I don’t believe it. I think you tricked yourself into thinking that’s what you believe, but you don’t love me, Faith. After everything that’s happened between us… How can you expect me to believe that?”

“I never thought you would believe me!” Faith half-yelled. “Nobody would. I think you’d all rather believe that Xander did nothing wrong than believe that I feel what I feel. And it’s not like I planned on telling anyone, y’know? The demon made us sing our deepest, darkest secrets, right? The ones we were too afraid to tell anyone, right?”

Buffy just shrugged. “I told you mine.”

“Yeah, you did. And I remember how desperate you were for no one else to know. Not even Giles. And I kept my word, B. Trust me, if I could go back and stop all of those secrets from being spilled, I would. But I can’t. What I’m not sure about is what your deal is with me? Is it with how I feel, or is it with how you feel? Is it because you’re not into girls, or is it just me?”

Buffy turned her face to the side, no longer looking Faith in the eye. “I don’t know. Whatever I feel for you, Faith… There’s something there, but I don’t know what it is. You got me out of the ground, and you kept my secret, and you set me up to never need money again, and I’m grateful for all of that. But that’s not necessarily love, Faith.”

“Then what was that kiss last night, B?” Faith asked with newfound determination. “It was just like the best of times before it all went south, back when I first arrived. We were the Chosen Two. Unstoppable forces for good. We could do no wrong, and we fought like we were one, sexy, badass machine. Don’t pretend that some of that didn’t spark inside of you last night. We’re both slayers, B. We get each other like no one else, don’t we?”

Before Buffy could respond, a snarl drew both slayers’ attention. A group of five vampires had taken their heated talk as an opportunity to surround Buffy and Faith.

Buffy, bless her, smirked at the newcomers. “I’m sorry, but this is a private conversation. Talkus interruptus is a big no-no. Do I have that right, Faith?”

Faith smiled a predatory grin. This was territory where they could cut loose together, no strings attached. “I think you’re spot-on, B.”

The fight was joined, and the two slayers fell into an easy rhythm that came to them both like riding a bike. It might have been some time, but some things never faded. Back-to-back, in sync with one another, the two slayers made dust of the five vampires in less than a minute.

Faith was panting with her twin desires for food and sex that came after a good kill. Damn, but it had been a while, and this slaying felt good. Looking up at Buffy, she saw the blonde slayer panting lightly, and her eyes twinkled with similar desire.

Before she knew it, Faith found herself tackled to the ground as Buffy’s lips locked with her own, smothering her in lustful affection. Faith had only allowed one other person to be on top of her during sex, but Buffy could ride her anytime she wanted as far as Faith was concerned. Their arguments about love and emotion and anything logical were lost in the heat of the moment as Buffy and Faith both surrendered themselves to their baser instincts.

* * *

Faith entered the Bronze, not quite sure why she was there all by herself, but she walked inside all the same. Buffy and Tara were dancing, but not together. The same music was playing as when the demon was forcing – or maybe allowing – Buffy to try to dance herself to death. The slayer and the witch were each dancing frantically, with their hands held above their bodies, and their arms twitched occasionally.

Faith walked closer between the two of them and saw that Buffy and Tara were both dangling from strings wrapped around their wrists and ankles. Looking past the two women up to the stage, Faith drew her knife – the same one that Buffy had once gutted her with – and walked up on stage to slay the demon that had to be sitting there.

But there was no demon. There was only Willow, gesturing with the fingers on one hand to play with the strings on her puppets, and a martini glass in the other hand as she lounged as if on a throne. Instead of olives, however, a small brown plant dangled from the glass.

“They say suffering builds character,” Willow said idly. “But I’ve never believed that. Suffering takes away from what they should be, so they’ll dance a while longer. I just have to let them dance all the pain away, you see?”

Faith tried to strike out with her knife, to slay this horrible puppet master, only to find her hand tethered to a string of its own. A string bound her other hand, and Faith was soon hanging from a ceiling that she couldn’t see.

“The show must go on, Faith, don’t you see?” Willow taunted her. “And there’s so much about you that could be better. And you have to be better than what you are if you ever want Buffy to love you at all. But I wouldn’t worry about that. You see, you’re part of Buffy’s suffering, so she has to dance you away. Let’s add one more string into the mix.”

A thin string that might as well have been a flexible tire iron wound its way around Faith’s throat, and it rose up higher into the air, choking the life out of Faith as she watched on helplessly. Below her, Buffy and Tara burst into flames. The fire spread throughout the Bronze as the sound of Willow’s laughter echoed in her ears, Faith felt the fire catch up to her feet, and then her waist, and before long, she was screaming as she was forced into the fire and forced to let it burn. Faith cried out in pain and agony.

And then, Faith was awake. She was in her own bed, in the former guest room that was now her own in Buffy’s house. Faith checked her various joints as well as her neck for any sign of any sort of binding. Once content that she was safe, Faith quickly dressed herself and called out for Buffy and Tara. Nobody answered, so Faith did a quick search of the house to see if anyone was around but out of earshot.

A quick pass through the kitchen and a glance at the clock on the microwave told Faith that she had slept in. It was already after noon. Faith paused and took a deep breath, and something didn’t smell right as she inhaled. There was a faint hint of smoke coming from the living area, and Faith stepped carefully inside and saw a fire burning in the fireplace.

More importantly, a single branch of a specific plant was burning. It was the same plant that was in Willow’s glass in her dream, and it was also the same plant that she’d seen in The Magic Box in a book describing something to help with spells involving forgetting and mind control. If her dream was correct, then Willow was doing something to Buffy and Tara right now.

Faith stomped down quickly on the burning plant and hissed as she felt the sole of her foot come away burnt. Damn, but she hadn’t quite put her boots on yet. Another glance revealed a bag full of more branches of the same plant just off to the side of where the other branch had been burning. Faith stashed the bag in one of her jacket’s inner pockets and ran upstairs to put on some socks and some boots. Everyone was probably at The Magic Box right now, so that’s where Faith would go.

Just to be safe, Faith stocked up on some knives and a few wooden stakes. Whether they’d be of any help, she didn’t know. But Buffy, Tara, and quite possibly many others were in danger from someone they trusted implicitly. _Willow, if they’re under your spell, and if I wake them up, you’d better hope they get to you before I do._

* * *

By the time Faith got to the door of The Magic Box, she could already hear a commotion from inside. Various people were obviously upset about something, and Faith had an idea why. Still, better to play it safe. Faith knocked three times on the door as loud as she could without breaking the glass. She thought about entering then and there, but decided to wait and see if anyone would come to the door. If anyone did, that would give Faith a bit of information as to where things stood.

It was Anya who eventually opened the door. “Oh, good. Come on in, Faith. Maybe you can help jog Buffy’s memory.”

“Faith?!” Buffy shouted from further in the store. “What is she doing here? Shouldn’t she be in prison?”

Faith felt her heart sink. Buffy had forgotten everything about Faith since she’d come back from the dead. Maybe even earlier. “Don’t worry, B. Not here to cause trouble. Anya says there’s a lot of stuff you can’t remember? Did I get that right?”

“Try ‘nothing since she jumped to save Dawn’s life last summer,’” Xander said from a seat at a table between some bookshelves.

Faith nodded. “All right, then. And nobody else is affected? No other gaps in memory with anyone else? Not you, Xander? Not Giles? Not Tara?”

“Not as far as we can tell,” Tara said from beside Willow, leaning against the counter. “But then again, if we were missing memories, we wouldn’t exactly know it. What do you think, Willow? A demon, or a spell? If it only went after Buffy… Do you guys know any witches or warlocks with a grudge against Buffy?”

“Not that I can recall,” Giles said as he took off his glasses to clean them with a handkerchief. “Of course, if this is a coordinated attack, then perhaps whomever or whatever did this erased our memories of any such grudge.”

“Huh,” Faith said, wondering how best to go about bringing everyone onto the right track. “So, maybe this is nothing, but when I woke up, I thought I smelled something downstairs. That’s your downstairs, B. You let me move into your guest room a couple of months back. You said something about how maybe if you’d done that when I first arrived, maybe I wouldn’t have gone to the dark side. Sound like something you might’ve thought about in the past?”

To Faith’s relief, Buffy nodded. “Actually, yes. Okay, so you’re here to help, Faith. Still strange, but okay. Go on.”

“Thanks, B. So, I smell something, and in the fireplace is a tiny little plant burning. Not a houseplant or anything. Looked like some sort of spell ingredient, at least I think it is. Also made an appearance in a dream I had last night, so I’m thinking not a coincidence.”

“Very possibly not,” Giles said as he leaned forward. “Perhaps your connection to the slayer lineage gave you a touch of foresight into what it is we’re facing, Faith.”

Faith nodded. “That’s what I thought. There was a bag of the stuff just left by the fireplace, not burning. I put out the fire, and here’s the rest of the stuff.” Faith retrieved the bag of brown branches from her pocket and tossed it to Anya. “Recognize that from your inventory?”

“Oh, yes!” Anya said, her eyes lighting up. “Lethe’s Bramble. Not a lot of call for it, at least not from the clients we tend to cater to, as mind control and forgetting aren’t things that we…. Oh.” Anya looked at the bag of Lethe’s Bramble again. “And you said this was in Buffy’s house? And someone was burning a branch of it? Oh, that’s not good.”

“What’s not good, An?” Xander asked.

Anya looked at Buffy. “Lethe’s Bramble can be used to augment a number of spells, and these can vary in scope from forgetting one bad day to planting suggestions in someone else’s mind to erasing large swathes of memory, which could be done with a Tabula Rasa spell. You’d also need to be pretty close to the target, hence Buffy’s fireplace. These spells tend to work best when used in close proximity to the target of the spell, or at least close to an object or a place that’s closely tied to them.”

“Like my home,” Buffy said in understanding. “Okay, so help me out here. How did some evil master of magic get into my house and perform a spell without anyone noticing? Willow, Tara, you’re the witches. Neither of you picked up on any of this?”

Faith looked to the two witches, specifically at Willow, who was fidgeting with something in one of her pockets. “I… I dunno, Buffy,” Willow said. “I didn’t notice anything, but I don’t know who we’re dealing with. O-or what! Probably a what.”

“I’m not so sure about that, baby,” Tara said. “This sounds like a spell targeted specifically at Buffy. And getting into the house… Dawn, did you see anyone around the house last night? Any strangers who didn’t belong?”

“No,” Dawn said quietly. “I didn’t see anybody. And that’s what scares me. Who or what could sneak into our home and get away with something like this?” Dawn’s eyes widened as she turned back to Faith. “You said you had a dream. Was there anything more to it?”

“Yeah, there was,” Faith said. “In the dream, I walked into the Bronze, and I saw two people dancing like mad like when the music demon that Xander summoned came to town. Buffy was one of them, and the other was you, Tara,” Faith said as she turned to look at the blonde witch.

“Me? Are you sure?” Tara asked carefully.

“Very sure. Dreams like this don’t come often, but they stick with you. And you two weren’t just dancing, but you were being made to dance. You were on strings, like puppets, and someone was making you dance.”

Before anyone could make a move to stop her, Faith plunged her hand into the pocket that Willow was fiddling with, grabbed onto something smooth, and came away holding a black crystal glowing green from the inside. “Now, what do we have here, little miss puppet master?”

The shop fell silent as every pair of eyes in the room fell upon Willow, whose own gaze darted from face to face as shame and horror fell across her face.

“Tara,” Faith asked without looking away from Willow, “if this thing I’m holding is part of the spell, what do we do to it to break the spell?”

Tara was looking at Willow with horror, as if unable to comprehend what was going on. “Break it. The crystal, I mean,” Tara said as her voice broke.

Faith didn’t smile. She wanted to rub this in Willow’s face, but Tara had been nothing but decent to Faith with little reason to be, and this was probably going to hurt Tara perhaps more than Buffy, so Faith merely dropped the crystal to the floor and crushed it beneath the heel of her boot.

Faith felt a rush of energy and looked as both Buffy and Tara blinked back whatever fog the spell had over their minds, and then looks of indignation, anger, and hurt crossed their faces.

Willow could only look at her girlfriend, whose mind she had violated without much care. “Tara, baby?” she eked out.

Tara, for her part, retreated slowly away from Willow. “I’m sorry, everyone,” she said as she raced to the front door and fled into town.

Willow moved to follow, but Faith stepped into her path. “No, Red. I think you’ve done enough.”

Faith turned to the rest of the assembled Scoobies and glared at each of them. “Now I want to ask you all a question. What would you do to someone who toyed with your memories if it wasn’t Willow here? What would you do to someone who summoned a demon that caused a bunch of deaths if it wasn’t Xander over here? What would you do to someone who killed someone completely by accident if it wasn’t… Oh, wait. I already know the answer to that one.”

Faith looked straight at Buffy now. “I don’t wanna tell you how to live your life, B. I’m not perfect, but at least I’m owning up to my mistakes now. Have any of you even talked to Xander at all about summoning that demon? Are you gonna call out Willow for violating your memories?” And now Faith turned to Giles. “Or is judgment something you save for people who don’t go to high school and whose lives are already crap to begin with?”

Faith was vaguely aware that she was letting her anger take over, but she couldn’t really find it in her to give a damn at the moment. “You all think about that for a while. I’m gonna go get some fresh air. Things don’t quite smell right in here at the moment, y’know?”

So saying, Faith turned on her heel and stormed out of The Magic Box. She decided to head back to 1630 Revello Drive for the time being. If Tara had gone back there, she might need someone to talk to. Faith wasn’t sure if she was the right kind of person for the job, but she and Tara had both been honest with each other so far, and that had to count for something.

Part of Faith knew it was a low, cruel thing to think, but she was glad that she wasn’t the only person in Buffy’s life who was royally screwed up. Maybe, if they all actually cared enough, they might figure out that being a decent person in hard times wasn’t actually so easy. Faith could only hope for so much as she walked back home as fast as her legs would carry her.

* * *

Faith used her key to unlock the front door of 1630 Revello Drive and listened as carefully as she could for any signs of anyone else in the house. Something that sounded like crying, however faint, was coming from upstairs. Faith had a guess as to who it was, and she headed upstairs to the master bedroom, then knocked on the closed door.

Faith heard sniffling and other attempts to stifle tears on the other side. “Who is it?” Tara’s voice asked, with no small amount of hesitation audible.

“It’s Faith,” the Slayer answered. “Do you… Ah, hell, I dunno what I’m doing. I just… Do you need to talk or anything? You could do with someone better than me, but I don’t know where to find them without going back to… Well, you know.”

The door opened to reveal Tara, her cheeks wet with tears, gesturing for Faith to come in. Faith entered and watched as Tara closed the door and fell back onto the bed, holding her head in her hands. “How could she do this to me? How could she do this _again?_”

Faith thought she had an idea. “Power and control,” Faith said after a moment. “When you have power, you can make things better for yourself than they are. So you take control, and if you’re not careful, you miss all the warning signs that you’re doing something wrong and stupid, and before you know it, you’re begging for death when the pain of it all finally catches up to you.”

Tara looked up and into Faith’s eyes. “I thought she loved me for me. I never thought she’d violate my mind like that. Especially after what Glory did to me.”

Faith resisted the urge to look away. “I’m sorry, Tara, but all I know about Glory is that Buffy died to stop her, and that she has something to with Dawn, and that last bit’s just me guessing. What did she do you?”

Tara inhaled long enough to hold back a stream of tears. “She fed upon people, but not like a vampire. Vampires feed on blood. Glory fed on people’s sanity. Including mine. After she stuck her fingers into my skull… I was trapped in a dark room, with the way out so close, but every time I remembered the way, the shrieking would begin again, and I’d lose my way in the darkness, and the worst part was knowing that I could get out, but that I never would. And she told me this to my face just before she did it. It was a threat, and I didn’t give in. So she… She…”

“Hey now, Tara. Come back, okay? You’re not there, anymore. You’re free, you hear me? You’re not stuck in there. Look at me!” Faith shouted.

Tara nearly jumped at Faith’s raised voice. “Thank you, Faith. The memories aren’t usually so strong that I can’t handle them. But Willow… She got me out of there. And then she went back in and changed little bits of me to fit her liking. And the scariest thing is that she thinks she’s doing the right thing. She believes that using magic to do anything is justified so long as it gets her what she wants. The consequences don’t seem to matter. Like with bringing Buffy back.”

Tara inhaled and then let out a deep breath through her mouth. “So she tried to ‘fix’ Buffy as well this time. The worst part is that I understand why she would do such things, and part of me even sympathizes with those reasons. I can’t help it, Faith, but I still love her! What can I do about any of this?”

Faith listened to Tara’s woes, and too much of it felt frighteningly familiar, with just enough variance to make their experiences unique to themselves. “You should get out while you can,” Faith said, careful to maintain eye contact. “I never thought I’d say it, but Red’s the abusive party in this abusive relationship you have. I was kept locked away, and I only escaped when I got my slayer powers. Nobody’s holding you prisoner, and since I think Buffy’s probably too blindly loyal to force Willow out of her home, you may need to find someplace safe. Don’t get me wrong, I’d pitch your case to B if she let me, but this is her house, and I don’t see her siding with you over Willow, no matter how much you’re in the right.”

Tara burst into tears halfway through Faith’s explanation of what she would do. “I thought I’d escaped. I thought Willow had rescued me from… But she just-“

“Hey now, Tara. Willow does love you, I’d bet a lot of the money I have now on it. She just has the ability to cross lines that she couldn’t before, and she hasn’t learned not to. At least, I hope that’s what it is. For what it’s worth, I’ll try to convince Buffy to force Willow out so you can stay. And if I can’t do that, then whatever help you need with affording a place to stay… Well, you’ve been nothing but decent to me since forever, so that puts you one up on most everyone I’ve ever met. I’ve got your back if you need it, okay?”

Tara nodded slowly. “Thank you, Faith. I don’t know how much help I think I could accept and keep a clean conscience, but a friend would be nice to have. A friend who I can be honest with and who, so far, has been entirely honest with me.”

Faith couldn’t help but chuckle. “I’m sorry, but nobody’s ever called me a friend before. It’s always something more or something less. But hey, I’ll give it a shot. And for what it’s worth… I’m sorry for anything I did that might’ve split you two apart. I wanted to hurt Willow for what she did to me, but I was so focused on that, I didn’t really care when you got caught up in it. So that’s on me. I dunno that there’s anything else I can do about that, other than to say that I screwed up and did stuff that I shouldn’t have done.”

Tara nodded in understanding. “I know, Faith. And for what it’s worth, you had nothing to do with me needing to get some distance from Willow. But I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to own up to your mistakes. I just hope that if you are there for me, as a friend, that Willow doesn’t look at it and see something that isn’t there. N-no offense intended, Faith. It isn’t that you aren’t beautiful. Well, gorgeous. But-“

Faith was laughing out loud now. “Oh, no. Don’t even go there, Tara. You and Red got something special, and I’m not looking to get in the way. And hell, I know I’m hot. As for what I see in you… You’re damned fine woman, Tara, but not one I’m looking for. Well, you heard what I sang, I’m guessing?”

“I did hear it, Faith,” Tara said quietly. “What will you do if Buffy doesn’t return your feelings?”

Faith sighed. “Probably the same thing I’ve been doing since I got out of prison. Be there for her, be crazy in love with her, and stay as close as I can without messing things up. I’m just scared about one thing, though.”

“What’s that?” Tara asked.

Faith sighed and smiled weakly. “No matter what happens, no matter what Buffy might say or do, I don’t think I could ever get out. I don’t think I’d ever want to. Even if a friend told me what I just told you, I don’t think I could get out, even if it was best for everyone.”

Tara returned the weak smile. “You do know why I need help to get out, don’t you? You love her that much?”

Faith looked up to the sky, wondering if any angels from Buffy’s heaven were looking down on them now. “Always have, always will. Wouldn’t change that if I could. Would you?”

Tara was silent, but Faith understood perfectly. They were both no more than love-struck fools who might need the other’s help from time to time. Faith knew she’d be there for Tara if she could be, but if Tara ever tried to pull Faith away from Buffy, Faith just knew she’d resist so hard that she’d probably end up back in prison if it came to that.

“Being in love sucks like hell,” Faith decided. “And I wouldn’t ever give it up, no matter what.”


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy laughed and looked at the ceiling, but the laugh was full of pain rather than mirth. “When did you get so smart, Faith? When did I become so easy for you to read? Why don’t you hate me, Faith?”

### Chapter Fifteen

In the end, Faith hadn’t needed to intercede with Buffy on Tara’s behalf, despite very much wishing that she could have done so. For better or for worse, Tara was strong enough to walk out of the Summers house and find housing on campus at UC Sunnydale. Faith had helped her to move some of her heavier boxes of various things from one place to the other, and Tara had seemed grateful.

Every time that Faith told her how stupid it was that she was the one being forced out, Tara reminded her that she wasn’t being forced to do anything, but was taking control of her own life. Faith thought that Tara was just using words to make herself feel not so under the heel of anyone else, and if that meant the illusion of control rather than actual control, then she’d let Tara believe it. And for her part, Tara seemed so firm in that belief that it actually made Faith start to doubt herself a little bit. Not a lot, but it was enough to make her realize that she was _still_ underestimating Tara Maclay.

Willow either didn’t know or else didn’t appreciate what she was throwing away, and Faith never thought that she’d ever get to feel morally superior to Willow Rosenberg of all people. Despite all of that, Faith knew how much Tara cared for Willow, at the very least. So while she probably didn’t deserve it, Faith would keep an eye out for Willow and try to stop her from doing anything too stupid or destructive. If only for Tara’s sake, Faith would look out for the woman her friend was in love with.

Faith understood what love felt like now. More specifically, she knew what _being in love_ felt like, and it hurt like hell. Her chest constantly felt like it was on fire, and she was constantly afraid that she would do or say the wrong thing and drive Buffy away for good. She knew with certainty that she wasn’t good enough for Buffy, but the passion that they’d shared – twice now – was undeniable, and it came from both of them. And just remembering that feeling, and the fear that it could all go away if the slightest thing went wrong…

Love was a constant burn in her heart, and it hurt like hell, but it was strangely intoxicating. Sex only lasted for a while, but this feeling, this pain in her chest… It didn’t fade, and Faith never wanted it to fade, despite or maybe because of the unique ache she felt.

All the same, Faith had no idea what Buffy was feeling. What was she capable of feeling after being yanked out of heaven? For the moment, Faith put those thoughts to the side as she settled in for the long haul of her _other_ sacred duty that nobody had warned Faith about until she was in too deep.

Willow was out of the house, likely drowning her sorrows, and Buffy was out slaying, which left Faith in a perilous predicament. Keeping a fifteen-year old kid entertained at night while those who knew her far better were out doing all the stuff that Faith had thought she’d be able to do now that she was out of prison.

“So…” Dawn said after they’d finished a few slices of pizza. “This is weird.”

Faith chuckled. “Yeah, tell me about it. Last thing I pictured myself doing was playing babysitter to anyone. But, then again, you had to prove that you needed one on Halloween, so you’re stuck with me, squirt. What do you do for fun when B’s not around?”

Dawn shrugged. “When it was Willow or Tara, they’d just listen to me talk about school, about boys, sometimes help me with my homework. That kind of stuff. What did you do for fun when you were alone at home?”

Faith took a gulp from a bottle of soda. It would’ve been beer, but she didn’t want to get drunk on a job this important. “You don’t wanna know what my life was like at fifteen, Lil D. Trust me.”

“Why not?” Dawn asked, crossing her arms and adopting an expression that could only be described as saying ‘try me.’

Faith sighed, not having anticipated having this talk with anyone, let alone Buffy’s kid sister. “Because my growing up years weren’t as happy as yours were. Not by a long shot.”

Dawn snorted. “Yeah, right. Did you have a sister who caused your parents to get divorced when she burned down the gym at her high school? Did you get forced into moving to a new town, and then your sister started acting strangely and wouldn’t ever talk straight to you? Did your life turn upside down when you realized that you’d been living on a Hellmouth with vampires and demons and who knows what else, and your sister knew, and you only found out by accident?!”

“Dawn…” Faith said, holding her aching head. “Shut up, okay?”

Whatever Dawn had been expecting, it most certainly wasn’t that. “What?” she responded curtly.

Faith sighed. “I mean… Have you seen this house you live in? It’s huge! You have two floors, and a basement, with enough bedrooms for you, your sister, me, and Tara and Willow, only not Tara anymore. You’ve got a fridge full of food, and cabinets full of more food. Your sister is a total badass whose job that has your panties all bunched up involves saving your life, saving her friends’ lives, saving the lives of people she doesn’t know who won’t ever know she even exists, let alone thank her. You had a mom who loved you, who was an awesome woman up until the end, and you think you have it anywhere close to bad? Get over yourself, you big baby.”

Faith wasn’t sure why she was so angry. It wasn’t Dawn’s fault that she probably hadn’t even realized all the things she took for granted, and Buffy was going to be pissed if she thought that Faith did something to hurt her little sister. All the same, Faith wasn’t sure how honest to be. Could Dawn handle the ugliness of the world? Did Faith owe it to Dawn to open the kid’s eyes?

Alas, Dawn’s face still looked the part of the indignant brat who knows everything about the world as, apparently, all kids do when they don’t grow up too fast. “I thought babysitters were supposed to take care of people,” Dawn said, and it was clear that she was biting back tears.

Faith sighed and put down her drink. “All right, all right. I didn’t have to call you names. It’s just… You don’t know how good you got it, D. All of this,” Faith said as she gestured with one open hand to embody the house they now lived in. “Everything you have right now, when I was your age, I would have killed to live like this. And that’s not me saying that like ‘I’d kill to be popular’ or whatever. I would have literally shanked people in the guts and left them to die if I could have their house, if it was a house like this. But the world doesn’t work like that, which is probably good for a lot of nice, decent people living in Boston when I was your age.”

Now Dawn was looking at Faith with something appreciating respect. She didn’t look angry anymore. She looked curious, eager to hear more. “What made your old home so bad that you’d… That you’d do that to someone, just for a place like this?”

“Dammit, Dawn!” Faith said, more annoyed at the situation than at herself or at Dawn. “This isn’t something I can just talk to you about! Not without telling Buffy first. I’m not your family, and while I really don’t know much about a good family, I don’t think Buffy or Joyce would’ve liked me talking to you about my crappy childhood without one of them here to tell me what’s okay to tell you and what isn’t.”

Faith took a deep breath and came up with a thought. “Okay, let’s put it like this. You remember Halloween, right? Ignore all the vampire crap for now. Let’s say I never came along, and let’s say those two guys really were just ordinary, human boys. How did you imagine that night ending up?”

Dawn looked down, and Faith noticed her cheeks flush. “Well, uh… I guess we would’ve maybe done a few more pranks. Then… I dunno? Maybe gone out to the park. Or maybe a hotel for one night. And then we’d… You know, right?”

“You’d have sex? Finally understand what all the grownups love and understand that you don’t get? Have the best night of your life without your sister or anyone else being any the wiser? That about it?”

Dawn shrugged. “Well, yeah.”

“All right,” Faith said, humoring the kid. “And what if, say, you got to the big moment, but then you get cold feet. You’re suddenly not so sure anymore. Maybe things are going too fast. Is this really how you want your first time to be like? What do you do when those thoughts come into your head?”

“I’d tell him to stop,” Dawn said simply.

“Yeah, sure,” Faith replied casually. “And what if he didn’t stop? What would you do?”

The look on Dawn’s face told Faith that the poor kid hadn’t thought of that. “I’d push him off of me-“

“You can’t. He’s bigger than you. He weighs more, and he’s done this before. He’s already on top of you, and you’re not strong to force him off or to wriggle away. What do you do then?”

“Scream,” Dawn said without hesitation.

“You can’t,” Faith said. “Your mouth’s covered. Either with his own mouth, or with his hand, or with some little towel or something that he found in the other room. You’re alone with a someone bigger than you, stronger than you, who knows just what kids like you want, and he’s only too happy to oblige, but not for your sake. He gets to have the time of his life, and you’re not even a passenger. You’re a hostage, and your first time isn’t romantic anymore. It’s not delicious forbidden fruit. It’s you being violated, forever, because you’ll never forget how powerless you felt, and you’ll feel ashamed of yourself for being so stupid. And that’s just if you slipped up and made that stupid decision on your own. If you’re unlucky, you piss off someone you really shouldn’t have, and then you’re forced into that nightmare again and again. Every. Single. Night.”

Faith leaned back and took another sip of soda, hoping her casual appearance and tone of voice was contrasting with her words to get the point across. “You still wanna hear about me when I was your age, Dawn?”

“I’m good, thanks,” Dawn said, sounding thoroughly chastised.

“Yes, Little D. You are at that,” Faith said more gently. “You are very good, because you had a good mom who brought you up right, and you have a great sister who anyone would be lucky to have in their life, and you have a home to come back to every night with the promise of three meals a day, plus snacks if you want them, and maybe even dessert.”

Dawn just nodded absently as she processed Faith’s words. Hopefully, the kid would take the hint and realize that there were some things she just wasn’t ready for yet. But then the brat got a wicked grin on her face. “Speaking of my great older sister, Faith… Your words, not mine, if I’m not mistaken-“

“Don’t you go there, Dawn!” Faith said, her voice rising as she began to realize where this was headed.

“So, normally, I would talk to Willow or Tara about boys, but let’s talk about Buffy,” Dawn said with all the mischievousness of a fifteen-year old girl. “Honestly, the thought of you two together is still super weird, but I heard you sing. ‘I’ve always been yours.’ How long is ‘always,’ Faith?”

Faith did not want to have this conversation with anyone. Never, at all, under any circumstances. But she couldn’t put the genie back in the bottle. She’d sung her heart out, and everyone in Buffy’s life knew about it.

Even the ones who weren’t part of her life anymore. Giles had said he would be there as Faith’s watcher, but then Buffy had come back and he’d proven himself to be only human. He’d tried to fall back into the surrogate father role that he’d been for so long, only to feel that he wasn’t needed anymore. Buffy was financially sound. She was surrounded by her friends. And she was leaning on him as a crutch, and so he’d left Buffy, for her own good in his mind.

As for Faith, well, she had Buffy to look after her and to train her, and all the other Scoobies to fall back on if she needed help. Or at least, that’s what Faith would have expected Giles to say. She hadn’t really let him say much of anything to her to explain things. She’d gotten all defensive and passive aggressive, and before she knew it, Giles was gone.

But Faith was still in Buffy’s life, as was Dawn, as were many others, and they all knew how Faith felt about Buffy. Faith thought that she’d stopped hiding when she had turned herself into prison, but if she really wanted to be free, she’d have to open up.

“Always is always, Dawn. I had a watcher for a couple of months. After I got my powers, I fought my way out of the life I’d been in, and I got into some scrapes to see just how much I could get away with. I didn’t make myself hard to be found. So one night, it’s pouring rain, and this woman, maybe a bit older than Joyce, offers me an umbrella. Like a spare umbrella, not just a spot under hers. I ask her what the catch is, and she teases me with just enough to get me curious. And that’s how I met Diana, my watcher, and maybe the first person to give a damn about me in my entire life.”

Dawn nodded. “So is this before or after ‘always?’”

“Before, but we’re almost there, so don’t get all impatient,” Faith said with a smile as some genuinely fond memories came back to her. “So, we go to this coffee shop, and Diana gives me the 411 on the whole deal with slayers, vampires, demons, all that jazz. And before I can even wrap my head around this whole new world, she tells me that there’s someone just like me, only she’s been doing this for about three years or so. And so Diana starts to tell me stories about Buffy Summers, the Vampire Slayer, and all her adventures in the fight against evil.”

Faith leaned back on the couch and let her head fall back as she looked up at the ceiling. “The second I find out that I have superpowers, there’s also bad guys that I gotta face. But it’s all good, because there’s already a superhero out there. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a real life superhero. She was proof that there was such a thing as a hero who fought for the good guys. Hell, she was proof that good guys were real. And I knew that I had to meet her. I had to meet the woman who I’d never known that I wanted to be, and I knew that no matter what, just knowing that she was out there made me feel…” Faith decided to stop there, not knowing what else to say.

Dawn just nodded. “And that’s ‘always,’ huh?”

Faith raised her head back up and looked at Dawn with a warm smile. “Yeah. That’s ‘always,’ and it’s still ‘always,’ and it will never not be ‘always.’”

Dawn propped herself up onto the couch and sat next to Faith. “I never thought I’d say this about anything you had to say, Faith – no offense – but that’s maybe the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.”

“No offense taken, kiddo,” Faith said. “And when you put it like that, I feel stupid as all hell.” Faith stretched her arms above her head, and as her left arm came down, she looked at the watch on her wrist. “Damn, how long’ve we been talking? It’s after eleven already. Since when am I the responsible one around here? I know B’s hours can be long, but Red should’ve been back by now.”

“I thought you hated Willow,” Dawn said, her words more of a question than a statement of fact.

Faith closed her eyes and tried to think. “Willow’s done some bad stuff. She hurt me, she hurt Buffy, and she hurt Tara. That being said, she’s not exactly the only one who’s hurt people that live here. Gotta remind myself of that sometimes. What gets me is that while Buffy was… While she was gone, Willow and Tara moved into look after you. Tara left to get some space, and Buffy’s out with the slayage. Willow’s usually the one on top of the serious stuff, like looking out for you, Dawn. Or at least coming home before you’re supposed to be asleep. And speaking of which…”

“Oh, come on!” Dawn whined.

“Hey, I don’t want to be the bad guy here, D. But from what I’ve heard, social services had a file on you and Buffy even before she left for a while, so to say. Now she’s back, and unless you want to be hauled off to live with some strangers and never see Buffy again, you gotta get to school on time, every day. It sucks, I know, but you just gotta do it, okay?”

Dawn seemed to think better of picking this particular battle. “All right, fine. I’ll see you in the morning, I guess.”

“Sure thing, Lil D,” Faith said. “Head on upstairs, and I’ll clean up here.” As Dawn got herself to bed, Faith reflected on how weird it was that she was here, not just babysitting, but cleaning up after a night with pizza and soda and talking about random stuff. It was almost like Faith was living the kind of life that she’d always imagined Buffy and her friends leading. Was she becoming more like them? If so, was she okay with that?”

Faith decided not to think too much about that as she picked up the plates and dumped them into the kitchen sink, napkins in the trash, empty soda bottle in the blue bin because Buffy made a big deal about recycling or whatever, and that was that.

As she was about to head upstairs herself, Faith thought for a moment about her talk with Dawn. The kid should know better than to try to sneak out, but she’d proven that she was still a kid who did not know everything and was likely to screw up plenty more before she learned what she needed to know. So Faith kicked off her boots and laid back on the sofa not too far from the front door, and she vowed to wake in an instant if she had to before she closed her eyes and went to sleep.

* * *

Faith was suddenly awake, as if roused by some imminent threat. Except that none of her senses were telling her that she or anyone else was in any danger. Sitting up on the couch, she saw that morning had come, but the house was devoid of any sounds of people shifting on mattresses or pouring bowls of cereal or anything else.

Faith slid her boots on and stalked up the stairs as quietly as she could. She glanced into each bedroom on the second floor. All were empty, save for Dawn’s bedroom, whose occupant was sleeping peacefully. After a quick check at her watch, Faith decided that she could afford to let Dawn sleep in a little bit longer before she had to get her butt to school.

Heading back downstairs, Faith pulled out a bagel and spread some cream cheese on it by way of a morning snack. She burned through carbs pretty quickly, and it was weird in a good way to have bread that felt so substantive. The perks of being a free woman.

The door from the kitchen to the backyard opened, and Faith turned her head to see Willow walking in with another woman who was very definitely not Tara Maclay. “Well, that didn’t take long,” Faith said with more than a hint of scorn.

Faith expected Willow to fire back with some nasty retort about how she didn’t owe any explanation to anyone, or else how it was none of Faith’s business. Instead, Willow’s gaze shifted about, and she actually looked guilty.

The other girl – she looked to be about her own age, with light brown hair framing her face on either side – looked to Willow, then back at Faith. “Oh! No. No, I’m not with Willow like that. I didn’t realize that her ex would be-“

“I’m not her ex,” Faith said quickly. “And if you’re not the rebound girl, then you’re just a friend, right? The kind who likes to stay out all night, right? Dammit, Red. I thought-“

“I-it’s not what you think, Faith,” Willow said quickly. “This is Amy. Back in high school, there was a demon, and it caused everyone to go ‘burn the witches at the stake.’ And that’s us! Witches, that is. Amy turned herself into a rat to escape, and, well, she only just got better yesterday.”

“Willow did it! She turned me back!” Amy said gleefully. “And let me tell you, I thought I knew magic, but Willow’s on a whole other level. Last night, at the Bronze, she owned everyone and everything there. Transmogrification, mostly, but between turning an awful boy band into a much better ladies’ performance and caging some guys who wouldn’t take no for an answer… Wow! Last night was the most fun I’ve had in… Well, ever! Wasn’t it, Willow?”

Faith stayed silent. She knew that it would eat Tara up inside to hear what Willow had been up to, and Willow seemed to know that. She hadn’t failed to notice that Faith and Tara had become friendly, and Willow was probably wondering just how much of this conversation was going to make it back to Tara.

And as Faith had to keep reminding herself, it wasn’t like she was a shining role model or anything to live up to, so she’d try not to throw stones in glass houses, or whatever the saying was. “Okay, so that explains why you didn’t come home last night, Willow. You know why Buffy never came back?”

The sound of the front door opening caused Faith to whip her head around, and then Buffy was there with them. Only her clothes were rumpled and dirty, and her face was bruised. “What the hell happened to you, B?”

“Demon,” Buffy said quickly. “We fought.”

“All night?” Willow asked. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, thanks Will,” Buffy said, though her heart didn’t seem to be in it. “I’m fine.”

Faith’s eyes didn’t leave Buffy. She glanced her sister slayer up and down, looking for clues as to what sort of demon could go toe-to-toe with Buffy and keep her at bay for so long. Faith had lived in Buffy’s body once, however briefly, and she had a small idea as to what her physical limits were. Buffy worked best when she knew what she was up against. If it had been a new demon, she would have retreated to do research. And Faith didn’t know of any kind of demon that Buffy couldn’t kill with ease unless…

“I think I’ll head back to my dad’s now,” Amy said. “I’ll see you later, Willow?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Amy,” Willow said as Amy left the house. “I, um… I think I’m gonna get some sleep.” And then Willow went upstairs.

Faith wasn’t sure what to make of Buffy, so she’d just have to ask. “What kind of demon was it?”

“Huh?” Buffy asked, not seeming to be entirely present.

“What kind of demon were you fighting all night and into the morning? What sort of nasty beast could take you like that? And I know you’re good, but you have your limits. What’s really going on, B?”

“Nothing, Faith,” Buffy said too quickly. “Nothing happened.”

Faith knew what ‘nothing’ meant. “So there was a happening that didn’t happen, was there? What was the nothing that didn’t happen? You can’t fool me, B. I know you enough to tell when you’re lying. So if you don’t want to say what happened, then why don’t you want to say it?”

Buffy looked away from Faith, and it seemed to Faith to be a very deliberate gesture. “I just wanted to let loose. I wanted to feel alive with no strings attached.”

Faith couldn’t help but chuckle. Buffy was too pure and goody-goody for her own good. “Check you out, B. Gettin’ some action, I get it. It doesn’t have to always be a relationship. Sometimes you just want to feel someone inside you and then get lost. No shame in any of that. Must’ve been some night, the condition you’re in. What kind of guy could… Hang on a minute. What kind of guy could do that to you? What kind of guy could even keep up with you for one hour, let alone all night? Only guy I can think of is Angel, and those bruises on your face… That ain’t his style.”

Buffy laughed and looked at the ceiling, but the laugh was full of pain rather than mirth. “When did you get so smart, Faith? When did I become so easy for you to read? Why don’t you hate me, Faith?”

Faith sighed. “This again? Look, if you’re afraid of being judged and found wanting, go to Xander or Willow. Me? I’ve done too much nasty stuff to look down on you for doing something you might not be proud of. Buffy… You didn’t have to pretend to be happy before you sang your song. You still don’t have to pretend around me. You never need to pretend if it’s just me, you hear?”

Buffy looked too tired to fight or make an issue of this, so she just leaned against the wall, her eyes cast downward. “It was Spike. I was with Spike, last night.”

Faith’s eyebrows shot up. “Spike? As in William the Bloody who has a chip in his head? Huh. I guess if he can’t kill you… And you’re okay with this? With the guy who made a sexbot that looked just like you? Who has no soul and can’t feel anything beyond what he wants and what he wants to take? You sure you can handle that, B? You sure that’s… I dunno. Are you sure that’s right for you after everything?”

Buffy looked up at Faith, her eyes unreadable. “It’s like you said. I just wanted to feel something with no strings attached. He was convenient, and that’s it.”

Faith nodded, but she wasn’t sure if she liked what she was coming to understand. “When I asked you to that school dance a few weeks after I first got into town, you thought I was joking, so I changed it to ‘let’s find a couple of guys, use ‘em and discard ‘em.’ You joked about it back then, but your heart wasn’t in it. What changed between then and now?”

Faith regretted her choice of words the moment they left her mouth. Buffy’s glare was proof that she’d said the wrong thing.

“I died, Faith. And I was dragged out of heaven back to _this!”_ she cried, gesturing with one arm to indicate the world they lived in. “And now I really need to get some sleep.”

Faith nodded silently and stepped aside to let Buffy pass her and head upstairs. She was still probably aching from a night of rough play…

And it had been rough, and if it had been enough to leave bruises... If Spike had merely had sex with Buffy, that would be one thing. But whatever form their play had taken, he’d left physical marks on Buffy’s body. That qualified as harming a human, and that was something that Spike shouldn’t be able to do with that chip in his skull.

The math had changed. Spike was a threat to everyone, especially to Buffy. If she was willing to let him get close enough to her to do that to her – and there was no way that Buffy wouldn’t have noticed his ability to harm her – then she wasn’t just using a convenient boy toy. She had just spent her night with a literally soulless killer who was very obviously obsessed with her.

“Note to self,” Faith said, her soft voice seething with righteous fury. “Find Spike and end him.”


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faith chuckled. “If I’d had a few more shrinks in jail as smart as you, maybe I’d have ended up a little bit better than where I’m at now. Don’t sell yourself short, Tara.”
> 
> Tara merely chuckled along with Faith. “I could say the same to you. I get that you feel like you need to atone, but I think before you can accept anyone else’s forgiveness, you’re going to have to forgive yourself, Faith.”

### Chapter Sixteen

Tara was just about to start reading the next chapter of her textbook for Comparative Religions when the knock came at her door. She’d had the option of a roommate, but had decided on a one-bed dorm room on the UC Sunnydale campus. It was cheaper and there would be fewer distractions. Fewer reminders of the woman she was in love with and who had done horrible things to her despite their mutual love. At least, Tara liked to think it was mutual, or at least that it once had been.

So the knock was slightly surprising. Tara wondered for a brief moment if it was Willow, come to apologize, to tell her how she had been cutting back on magic, to let her know that power was meaningless without the person she loved, and that she was still in love with Tara.

So Tara felt more than a little guilty when she rushed to open the door and felt her face fall when it wasn’t Willow on the other side of the door. “Faith,” she said with a bit of surprise in her voice.

“Not who you were expecting?” the slayer asked with a sly, raised eyebrow.

Tara couldn’t help but smile back, even if it was just a small smile. “Not who I was hoping for,” she confessed. “B-but, not unwelcome, not at all.” Standing aside, Tara wordlessly let Faith into her room.

Faith nodded as she entered. Tara wondered if she’d make an issue out of not being hoped for, but Tara was fairly confident that Faith understood exactly what she’d meant. Faith might not have had the kind of higher education that Tara was here for, but she was frighteningly intelligent in a lot of other ways that had nothing to do with academics.

“So, what brings you by?” Tara asked as she closed the door.

Faith was wringing her hands, which was not something that Tara had seen her do before. “I think there’s a problem, Tara, and I was gonna go and do something about it. But every time I went to leave the house to actually do something, I kept on flashing back to that night… I was back in that alley, driving that stake into the guy’s heart… Every time, I see it so clearly, I know better now. I want to stop myself from doing it, but it always plays out the same way…”

Tara wasn’t sure where Faith was going, but she clearly had to process her thoughts before she got to her point. Tara had dropped her Psychology classes in a vain attempt to forget Willow, but what she learned was telling her that if Faith was reliving and not just remembering what could only be the death of Alan Finch, then it seemed like Faith might be experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder. Tara didn’t know as much as she would like to know about the condition, but the emphasis on reliving experiences versus merely remembering them had stuck in her head. Tara still relived certain traumas from her blood relatives.

Faith turned back to face Tara. “So, I’m stuck in this moment, and I realize that I messed up big that time. I went for the kill without knowing what I was getting myself into. I went through so much crap because of that mistake that… I just don’t want to make that mistake again, okay?” she said, her voice rising quickly.

Tara reflexively took a step back, memories of her own relatives’ raised voices having taught her the flight response long ago. “Y-yes. I get it,” Tara said quickly.

Faith took a breath and looked down. “Damn, I’m sorry, Tara. I didn’t mean to snap like that. It’s just… I’ve been outta Sunnydale for too long. I know most of the players, but there’s one that I only met once, and before that I only knew him by reputation. It’s weird getting used to ‘Spike’ after Diana drilled ‘William the Bloody’ into my head.”

Tara nodded, a bit of understanding coming to her now. “Something happened with Spike? And you don’t know enough about him to know what the right response is?”

Faith nodded. “Yeah. Mind if I…?” she said, gesturing to the bed.

“Sure, have a seat,” Tara offered.

Faith took the offered seat and put her elbows on her knees, then rested her chin in her raised hands. “So, I get that Spike,” the name was still coming off as if alien to Faith’s mind, “has some sort of chip in his head. What do you know about that?”

Tara couldn’t help but giggle at one of the best memories of her life, courtesty of that chip. “Sorry, it’s not funny, only… Spike can’t harm a human in the slightest without feeling some sort of sharp pain in his head. My… my blood relatives told me that my magic came from a demon inside me. It just took a hit from Spike – which hurt him more than it hurt me, I’m guessing – to prove that I was fully human. That knowledge gave me more relief than I’d ever felt up until then.”

Tara sighed. “That was when I really felt accepted by more than just Willow. Buffy, Dawn, everyone in that group became my family. My blood kin are just that. We have the same blood, but we’re not family, and I don’t know if we ever were.”

Faith nodded, her face a mask of seriousness. Tara didn’t know Faith as well as she would like to, but she hadn’t seen Faith be this quiet and serious before, or at least she didn’t think she had.

“Tell me about Spike and Buffy,” Faith said.

Tara felt an ‘ah’ escape her lips, and by the way Faith immediately looked up at her, she knew immediately that she’d just jumped to the wrong conclusion.

“Hell, B’s hot. I get it, believe me,” Faith said with the slightest tinge of anger. “What I don’t get is the obsession. Building the ‘bot and all that. Where did that come from? And where is it now?”

Tara wasn’t sure whether to feel better or worse knowing that it wasn’t envy driving these questions, but an urge to protect Buffy from someone that Tara considered a reliable companion. Faith didn’t have her history with Spike, but he was a vampire, and she was a slayer. It was only natural.

“From what I understand,” Tara began. “When Spike first got the chip in his head, he came to Buffy for some sort of protection in exchange for information about the people who did it to him. At least, I think that’s how it began? I don’t really know the details, but when he found that he could still hurt demons, it became a sort of relationship based on mutual benefit, I guess is what you’d call it. Spike can’t kill humans, and he helps keep the demon population in line, and Buffy doesn’t stake him since his attention isn’t directed at humans. That’s how it really started, I think.”

Faith just nodded silently. “And since then?”

Tara looked anywhere but at Faith for a little while. “I remember that when you woke up from your coma, Willow was terrified that you would go after someone that Buffy cared about as a way to get to Buffy, and she was scared that you’d find me if you found her. And you did, in a way. But, that’s not what I was getting to.”

“What was it, then?” Faith asked, her voice disturbingly level.

“Well, Willow told me about a possible problem in the form of Xander doing something monumentally stupid. His words, if I recall. Apparently, Xander and Giles ran into Spike and asked him to keep a lookout for someone with your name and physical description.”

Faith nodded. “Smart move. Bring in the strongest non-slayer to take me on. Why was it stupid?”

Tara shook her head. “Because Spike’s response was, in essence, that if he did see you, he would tell you where to find Buffy and her friends, and then watch as you killed them all. I wasn’t really part of the ‘us’ yet, but still. I’m guessing that Spike felt like he’d been neutered, and if he couldn’t kill Buffy himself, then he’d use you as a proxy.”

Faith nodded, and Tara was surprised to see a smile cross Faith’s lips. “Well, I did meet him around then, but he didn’t recognize me. As far as I know, the only one who did see through me back then was you, Tara. I knew him by reputation only. I knew that ‘Spike’ was a nickname of his, but took a moment to connect the dots. I dunno how a vamp handles stuff without being able to kill, but my guess is his answer to meeting me that night? Cold shower. Or, I dunno. Dip in the river? Cold water of some sort is what I’m getting at.”

Tara nodded. “I got it, Faith. And that might explain why things went where they did from there. At least, after a while.”

Faith sighed. “I was afraid of that.”

Tara took a breath and continued. “After another few months, I imagine Spike realized that he had something resembling feelings for Buffy. I don’t know what those feelings are, but she was on his mind enough that he had someone build that robot for him. And I remember shortly after learning about it, Glory had her minions kidnap Spike, thinking that he was the one she was looking for. And after what I can only imagine was torture – the scars were visible for a few days – he didn’t tell her one thing. He didn’t sell anyone out.

“And then, when it came time to run… This is Willow’s retelling, as I was kind of insane at the time. But according to her, Spike helped us run from Glory and also some medieval knights? I was never really clear about that part. And when Buffy died, Spike wept openly. He was mourning, or at least I thought he was.”

Faith just nodded silently again. “If Spike had a choice between helping Buffy and hurting her – if he could do either one without any sort of pain from the chip in his head – which do you think he’d choose?”

Tara wasn’t sure where Faith had been going with her line of questioning, but this was not it. “I… Well…” Tara had to think about this. Spike was an interesting person. Despite being a literally soulless demon, it was hard to not think of him as a person. “I think he’d do whatever made him feel best. And I think that Spike’s fixation with Buffy is as much about her being a slayer as a woman. I’ve never seen the two of them fight, but I’ve seen Spike fight demons, and I think the violence is the closest thing he has to pleasure. For a vampire, I guess that’s to be expected. With Buffy… I couldn’t say. Maybe some sort of fighting as foreplay leading up to something more? If Spike could have whatever he wanted with Buffy… I think that’s what he would do. Not that I know him well enough to say, but that’s just a semi-educated guess.”

Faith chuckled. “If I’d had a few more shrinks in jail as smart as you, maybe I’d have ended up a little bit better than where I’m at now. Don’t sell yourself short, Tara.”

Tara merely chuckled along with Faith. “I could say the same to you. I get that you feel like you need to atone, but I think before you can accept anyone else’s forgiveness, you’re going to have to forgive yourself, Faith.”

Faith laughed a little bit more and then stood up to face Tara. “Thanks for listening and letting me talk and all that. You probably gotta study, so I’ll get out of your hair.” So saying, Faith made for the door.

Before she left, Tara had to ask. “How is she?”

Faith turned her head to look back at Tara.

“How’s Willow doing?” Tara asked, her voice pleading.

Faith hung her head. “She’s hasn’t hit rock bottom yet, but she’s on her way. And I think she may have to get there in order to realize how deep a hole she’s in. If you don’t see the hole, you don’t know enough to take help when you can. Once she sees how deep she’s dug herself, then you may be able to get back the Willow you fell in love with.”

It hurt Tara so much to hear Faith’s honest words, and despite all that Willow had done to her, Tara felt horrible knowing that she might not be there for Willow when she finally did realize how far she’d fallen.

“Well,” Faith said, “I gotta be going, Tara. Take care of yourself, okay?”

As Faith opened the door, Tara decided she needed to say one more thing. “You weren’t talking about a ‘what-if,’ were you Faith? It’s not ‘what if Spike could hurt Buffy if he wanted to.’ He can do it now, can’t he? And you needed to know if you had to kill him, right?”

Faith didn’t look at Tara. “He’s a vampire. It’s not ‘killing.’ It’s ‘slaying.’ As for what I need to do… I need to think about it some more.”

Tara nodded, despite knowing that Faith couldn’t see her. Tara wanted to speak up on Spike’s behalf, but after the conversation she’d just had with Faith, she wasn’t sure if she should, or even if it was her place to do so. “And then?”

“And then,” Faith said, “I do something about it. One way or another.”

Faith closed the door behind her, leaving Tara alone once again.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faith sighed and looked up. “And if you’re very, very lucky, then maybe you’ll believe, some day, that you can do enough good to make up for all the nasty stuff you did. If you’re lucky, you’ll believe people when they say that they forgive you. If you’re lucky, you may even be able to forgive yourself.”
> 
> “You haven’t been very lucky, have you Faith?”

### Chapter Seventeen

It was dark outside. Faith couldn’t tell if the moon was full or new or hiding behind a cloud or anything. What little light there was came from a nearby streetlamp. The alleyway was dark and full of litter, but none of that mattered right now.

All that mattered was the wreck of a car in front of her. As carefully and as quickly as she could, Faith helped Dawn out of the passenger seat and over to a nearby fence where she sat her down. Dawn was bleeding, only the blood wasn’t the dull red that one would expect. Her blood wasn’t even liquid, but some strange sort of green light that pierced the darkness of the night with ease.

Faith couldn’t tell what she was saying, but she could tell what she was feeling. She was worried for Dawn. She was grateful to Spike for showing her how to find her sister. And she was livid and furious at Willow for dragging Dawn into such a dangerous situation and getting drunk on magic at the wheel of a motor vehicle.

She and Dawn and Spike began to walk away, and Willow broke down in tears behind them. Faith felt no pity for those anguished cries as she walked away. She wanted to get as far away from the person who had hurt her sister as she possibly could.

And then Faith heard some distinct words through all the clamor of emotions. She heard Willow cry out three words.

“I need help!”

The words repeated themselves over and over again. And then Faith felt herself detach from her own body, and now that she was looking at herself, she saw that it wasn’t her body at all, but Buffy’s. Buffy embraced her friend, and the tears of agony streaming from Willow’s face told a tale of tragedy and remorse, and Faith understood that finally, the witch had found a price she was unwilling to pay. It wasn’t the suicidal breakdown that Faith herself had suffered, but if Willow was begging for help like this, then she had a chance.

Faith circled the two friends, entwined in their embrace, and while Willow’s tears told a story of a woman who might yet have a chance, on the other side, Buffy’s eyes told a far more frightening tale. There was a mote of anger there for the one person she couldn’t help but feel protective of. But aside from that tiny bit of indignant anger, Buffy’s gaze was dead. It saw nothing, felt nothing, understood nothing.

And then those hazel eyes flickered, almost imperceptibly, to look straight at Faith Lehane.

Faith’s eyes opened immediately, her breathing heavy, and she pulled herself up and looked around, trying to remember where she was. She had been watching the house while Buffy and the gang were out. Faith had gotten back to the house to find nobody at home, so she had decided to stay up and keep a lookout. Alas, somehow she had fallen asleep and had a dream that was more than just a dream.

Whatever Faith had dreamed just now had actually happened, and she knew that she had to do something to make the house ready for whenever everyone got home. Faith thought about getting some snacks out for a moment, but then kicked herself mentally for being so stupid. People were tired and injured. They’d want to rest.

Hurrying upstairs, Faith went into Dawn’s room and looked at her bed. The sheets were sprawled outward as if Dawn had just woken up. Basically no change from this morning. Faith decided to make the bed properly, if only to give Lil D a bit more comfort. Her first watcher, Diana Dormer, hadn’t been quite as stuffily British as Giles or Wesley, but she’d taught Faith a few things that she’d mostly gone on to ignore. One of those was that a well-made bed could offer an easier rest, which would make it easier to slay once the next evening came around.

Mayor Wilkins had been the same, only he’d been more about proper tidiness than anything practical. Still, Faith had been desperate to please the guy, so she’d done as he’d asked. More than that, however, as Faith smoothed the sheets and tucked the excess bits under the mattress, she felt a strong sense of déjà vu. Faith had made this exact same bed before with Buffy’s help. Only it had been some sort of dream while she was still in a coma.

There was something about that dream. Words were coming back to her. _”Lil’ sis coming.” “So much to do before she gets here.”_ It was so confusing. Lil sis had always been here, so why was Faith remembering a Slayer Dream – she felt the capital letters in her thoughts – that implied that Dawn had just come along sometime after Faith had woken up from that coma?

Regardless of all that, the bed was made just as Faith heard the front door open. Rushing out of Dawn’s room and down the stairs, Faith saw Buffy helping Dawn inside, with Willow hobbling afterwards, her face wet with tears. Just outside the door was Spike, who seemed satisfied with whatever help he may have provided as he turned and left for who-knows-where. Faith’s eyes fell on Dawn, battered and bloodied, and she felt a surge of anger well up inside of her towards Willow. Yes, Willow had needed this to happen, but Faith couldn’t help how she felt about Dawn. The kid was the closest thing to family that Faith had and she wasn’t about to…

_Wait a sec… Family? Lil D? When did I start thinking of her like that? What the hell is going on?!_ There was something about Dawn that Faith didn’t understand. There were a ton of unanswered questions that Faith was only now coming to realize that she had to ask. For now, though, she’d try to put all of that aside and do what she could to help. “I made your bed, Dawn,” Faith said quietly. “It should be a bit more comfortable. Easier to rest in, ya know?”

Dawn looked at Faith with blue eyes full of tears of sadness and pain. “You knew what happened?! And you just stayed here?!”

Faith sighed. “I had a dream. The important kind. I think I saw the aftermath. Car accident, right? Willow was high on something or other at the wheel?”

Judging by the sudden burst of sobbing from Willow, Faith guessed that she’d hit the mark on the head. Turning back to look at Dawn, Faith said, “Look, if I could’ve been there to help, I would have been. And I’m sorry I wasn’t. But I made your bed so that you can rest just a little bit easier. About the least I could do, and I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.”

Dawn nodded. “Right. Sorry, Faith. It’s just…”

“No need to explain, D,” Faith said. “Just get some rest, okay?”

Dawn just nodded again, silently this time, and let Buffy help her up the stairs. As they passed by Faith, Buffy mouthed a silent ‘thank you’ at Faith.

Faith watched Buffy and Dawn head upstairs before turning her gaze back to Willow. The witch was seated on the sofa, slumping forward, looking utterly miserable. A small, nagging little voice in the back of Faith’s mind was whispering to her. _”Rub it in, Faith. Show her just what she’s become. Don’t let her forget that she’s become you at your worst. It will eat her up until there’s nothing left of her, and then you’ll finally be even.”_

Faith wished that she could banish that voice in the back of her head to whatever evil place it had come from. Alas, Faith realized after a moment that it was an evil thought born of her own darker impulses. Once upon a time, she wouldn’t have just listened to that voice, but she’d go back to it, looking for more, even worse things to say and do to put Willow down. And despite that Faith knew it was wrong, part of her wanted to rub it in. Willow had been so high and mighty and confident that she knew what was best. She’d felt as if she’d been standing on high over the rest of the world, and now she’d come plummeting back down to earth.

And that was why Faith couldn’t listen to that voice. Not when she’d been exactly where Willow was now. Not when she’d gotten unconditional help when she’d hit rock bottom. If she were to kick Willow while she was down, then Faith would be the worst sort of person that she’d encountered in her life. She’d be just another abuser, and that wasn’t her anymore.

So Faith sat down next to Willow on her right and said nothing for a few moments. Faith had to think about what she was going to say first. Angel had been there for her when she’d been at her lowest, but he’d had centuries of life and undeath of experience in dealing with the frailty of human emotions. Faith wasn’t anywhere near such expertise or understanding, but she’d do the best she could.

“So,” Faith began, careful to keep her voice neutral. “I heard this thing once. The Rule of Holes, I think it was called. ‘When you’re in a hole, stop digging.’ Sounds simple enough, but the problem is that you don’t always know you’re even in a hole until you’ve dug yourself so deep that you… I dunno. That you dig some loose bit of rock and you’re not digging anymore, but falling into a pit beneath that hole, and the landing hurts so much that you look up and think, ‘When did I get into that hole? How did I dig myself so deep and not even see it?’ This making any sense at all to you, Willow?”

Strangely enough, Faith wasn’t surprised that Willow didn’t lash out at her. She remembered her own breakdown, and how numb she felt in its immediate wake. Willow nodded just a bit, looking too weak to do much more. “Tara tried… She tried to warn me. And Giles. And you. And I knew better than them. I didn’t just _think_ that I knew better than my lover and my best teacher. I was so sure of myself. I was so sure that I knew best, and I drove them away. Tara, Giles, and now Buffy and Dawn. I don’t even know if Xander will forgive me after what I did to Dawn tonight. I don’t know if I can forgive myself, and I don’t know if I even should.”

This next part was going to be harder. “I don’t know that this is what you want to hear, Willow, but I want you to take it from someone who’s been where you are. The Rule of Holes needs you to understand that you’re in a hole. And the first step really sucks. That fall where you hit rock bottom and you realize how deep you’ve dug yourself… That’s the first step to getting out of the hole. And you already took the second step. You asked for help. Well, more like begged for it. Even at my lowest, I never asked for help. I got help, but I wasn’t ready for it. I tried to drive it away because I didn’t think I deserved it, and I didn’t feel like I’d have anything waiting for me if I managed to get ‘better,’ whatever that means.”

Faith was afraid that Willow might snap and wonder how Faith knew what had happened in that dark street where the car had crashed, but Willow still seemed a bit too numb to focus on that particular detail. “So, you see yourself in the hole. You ask for help. What do you do next?” Willow asked softly, her eyes fixed downward at the floor.

Faith let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “You take the help. You listen to the people that you didn’t listen to before when you were digging yourself into that hole. And you keep checking yourself so that you don’t pick up the shovel and start digging again. And if you ever do start to dig, and you see yourself doing it, then you bring yourself back and stop. And if you can’t do it on your own, then you ask for help, and then you take the help. If the hole is big enough, and if you’ve fallen down it once before, then it’s a little easier to recognize if you ever start down that way again. Not saying it’ll always be obvious, and there’ll be a little voice telling you that this one, tiny little step doesn’t really count. You gotta tell that voice to shove it, and you gotta listen to the other voices. The ones that care about you and want to see you get better, even if you think you don’t deserve it, and even if you don’t see a better future in sight.”

Faith sighed and looked up. “And if you’re very, very lucky, then maybe you’ll believe, some day, that you can do enough good to make up for all the nasty stuff you did. If you’re lucky, you’ll believe people when they say that they forgive you. If you’re lucky, you may even be able to forgive yourself.”

Willow then did something that Faith didn’t expect. She looked up from the floor and straight at Faith. “You haven’t been very lucky, have you Faith?”

Smiling without humor or mirth, Faith shook her head. “No, Willow. I haven’t been that lucky. For your sake, for Buffy and Dawn’s sake… For Tara’s sake, I hope you have better luck than I’ve had. And there’s one very important thing to remember, Willow. This is maybe the most important thing about coming back from the brink that you need to always, _always_ remember: You can’t make anything up to anyone if you’re dead. So when you’re alone in the dark, and you think that everyone will be better off without you, you shut those thoughts out right away, do you hear me?”

Willow nodded rapidly, looking a tad bit afraid. “Goddess, I’ve been so stupid,” she said, her voice cracking. “After all I’ve done… Oh, Tara, baby!” Willow gasped out as she began to sob.

Faith felt as if she was an intruder in a private sanctum that she had no right being in, but she felt she had to speak up all the same. “She still loves you. You know that, right?”

Willow looked back at Faith with flushed cheeks wet with tears. “Why? How can she still… After everything that’s happened?!”

“Being in love,” Faith began, struggling with her own emotions now as she tried to focus on helping Willow. “Being in love is painful. You ache for the person you love so much that it hurts, and when they do something that hurts you, they don’t stop loving you. They may wonder why you did it, and they may feel sad, but that ache in the chest… It just gets deeper. And it’s strange, because you’d think an ache would be painful. But this is a different kind of hurt. It’s the kind that makes you want to do anything to put that ache aside for a moment, and that only comes with being with the person you’re in love with. You hurt Tara, and you’ve been hurting yourself without even realizing it. If I were Tara, I would be scared for you, hoping like hell that you’d come to your senses and do what you had to in order to make things right. The two of you… I dunno how you feel about her, but it’s clear that you’re everything to Tara. She probably doesn’t feel… Complete, I guess? She doesn’t feel complete without you in her life, if I were to guess.”

Willow nodded. “I miss her. Like a part of me is missing. The most important part.” Willow looked Faith in the eye again. “When did you learn so much about being in… Oh. Right. Your song.”

Faith nodded. “What, you thought that somehow I could keep a secret with that demon doing his thing? Or you just couldn’t bring yourself to believe that the Faith you knew could feel that way?”

Willow looked at Faith again, this time more appraisingly. Faith let the witch take the measure of her. “You’re not the Faith I knew,” she said at last. “Not anymore, and not for a while, are you?”

In another situation, Faith might laugh out loud that Willow was only just now realizing this, but she forced herself not to laugh. She allowed herself a small smile, however. “I hope like hell I’m not. And if I really have changed… If I’ve learned from hitting my own rock bottom, and if you can accept that, then maybe you can let me help you get back on the right track. Sound good?”

“I… I don’t know,” Willow said hesitantly. “Part of me doesn’t want to trust you. But you came down to talk to me. A-and listen to me. And you said that part of getting out of a hole is taking help where it’s offered right? A-and you sound like you’ve been in that hole before, so you probably know what you’re talking about. So, I’ll try. I’ll try to take your help. I don’t know that it’ll be easy for me, but I want to make things right. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something more in my life.”

Faith nodded and got up from her seat. “Get some rest, Red. Sleep in late and take your time to think about everything. Buffy and Dawn will still be pissed, but you’ve been friends for so long… They’ll want to help you, but they’ll also need some time and space. This’ll take a while, and it’ll hurt. And you may not ever be a hundred percent what you were before.”

Willow looked up at Faith. “If I were a hundred percent what I was before, I would be the same person who got stuck in that hole. Even if it hurts, I don’t want that.”

Faith smiled. “I’m not an expert, but I think you’re taking the right steps. You’ve got a chance, Red. Don’t waste it.”

Willow just nodded silently on the couch as Faith went back upstairs to check on Buffy and Dawn before she turned in for the night. On the inside, Faith was grinning like an idiot. It would hurt Tara like hell to hear what had happened, but it might also give her the hope she’d been looking for. Her girl had a chance, and Faith was going to do whatever it took to make sure that chance wasn’t squandered.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t want to lose you, B!” Faith said, just barely restraining herself form shouting. “I don’t want you to go into a predator’s den and forget that he’s a predator. I don’t want you to think you’re in control and then suddenly end up in way over your head. I don’t want you to make my mistakes, B!”
> 
> Buffy wasn’t laughing anymore, and her eyes held something that might have been worry. “What mistake are you talking about? I’ve picked up bits and pieces in the past few months, but I never got the whole story. I think it’s time I heard it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING:** This chapter contains mention of child abuse and sexual abuse. There is nothing explicit or graphic, but there is more than enough told implicitly to get the point across. I'm new to this site, so if there should be a content warning for the story based on this chapter, or based on any other chapters in this story, I would appreciate any feedback just to make sure that I am not doing wrong by anyone by putting my warning here and not at the outset.

### Chapter Eighteen

The next couple of weeks went by faster than Faith had expected. There had been a flurry of emotions from all parties involved. Buffy was alternating between anger born of worry for her sister and a genuine interest in helping her best friend. Willow had gotten rid of every single item that could possibly be used for spellcasting, which went so far as to include every single candle in the house as well as a number of spices that Faith had thought were used only to flavor food.

Dawn was taking it the hardest. In the mind of a child who felt more than a little entitled, Tara had abandoned her by moving out, and Willow had done even worse in the accident. Forgiveness would take time on that front, but Faith was confident that it would come along eventually. The sooner Willow and Tara were back together, the better it would feel for all parties.

As for Tara herself, Faith had decided to speak with her about what had happened. Naturally, Tara’s first concern was for Dawn’s safety and health, and Faith couldn’t help but feel inadequate next to the blonde witch. In another life, Faith would have pursued Tara to the ends of the earth. In this life, however, Faith’s heart belonged to Buffy, and Tara and Willow belonged to each other. Tara had felt awful for Willow when she had heard what had happened, but it was a worry that her girl had fallen down too far to ever get back up.

Faith had gone out of her way to assure Tara that however painful this was for everyone, that it was necessary for Willow to understand exactly how much she had lost before she could start working to earn it back. And Tara clearly did want Willow back, but she was also wary of going back to her lover’s side too soon. For all that Dawn had suffered, Tara had suffered worse, and that was something that Faith wasn’t sure that Willow understood. Willow had almost killed Dawn in her recklessness, but she’d deliberately violated Tara’s mind. Until Willow understood that rock bottom for her had come long after she’d done the worst of her damage, a full healing might be out of reach.

For her part, Buffy didn’t kick Willow out of the house, but she made sure that Dawn was never left alone with her. Faith was doing her best to help out, even if all that meant was keeping an eye on Willow or Dawn or both of them for a few hours while Buffy went out to slay or visit the Magic Box or something else or another.

And a few minutes earlier, a phone call had come. Willow had answered, but quickly passed on the phone to Faith. Buffy was out and about, and Faith was concerned that Buffy might be with Spike. It wasn’t just that she didn’t trust the vampire, but Faith was worried at Buffy’s use of him as a convenient way to feel something. Not that there was anything wrong with wanting to feel alive after what she’d been through, but her choice of outlet was more than a little disturbing.

_And face it, Faith. You wish that Buffy was using you instead of Spike. Even if there’s nothing resembling love there from B, you still ache for her, and you always will._ The thought was a painful reminder, most especially because it was true. But that had to wait now. Willow had passed the phone to Faith, and Faith had listened. Now she had to wait for Buffy to come home, hopefully without any more bruises.

Afternoon passed into evening and then into night. Faith put Dawn to bed, still not used to acting like a big sister or a responsible adult of any sort, and then she’d watched as Willow had eased herself into bed. Not wanting to keep either of them out of sight, Faith sat on Buffy’s bed with the door open into the hallway.

Faith waited patiently, listening for the front door to open, practicing some rhythmic breathing exercises that she’d learned in prison. After a few hours, Faith jumped at the sound of the window opening behind her. Thankfully, it was just Buffy, but why she was sneaking into her room instead of coming through the front door of her own home…

“You saw Spike again,” Faith said, her voice flat, yet somehow full of judgment despite her best efforts not to sound that way.

Buffy closed the window behind her and took off her jacket, revealing freshly cut and bruised arms. “And?” Buffy replied.

“He can hurt you. Can he hurt anyone else?” Faith asked quietly.

Buffy shook her head. “He can’t. Just me,” she said with humorless laughter. “Just me. His chip is fine, I’m the one who’s not right here.”

Faith didn’t like the sound of that laugh. “What do you mean, B?”

Buffy let herself fall backwards onto her bed, though she kept a seated position. “Spike’s chip keeps him from harming humans. He can harm me. Therefore…”

Faith’s eyes widened as the implications of what Buffy was saying began to sink in. “I don’t believe it,” Faith said, her voice barely above a whisper.

Buffy just huffed. “That was my reaction at first, too. But the thing is-“

“No, Buffy,” Faith said, her voice deepening with emotion. “I don’t mean ‘you can’t be serious’ or some hypothetical or whatever it is you call it. I mean I don’t believe it. I don’t believe you’re not human. You’re just… You came back. That doesn’t happen, but it did happen, and I’m no witch, but I gotta believe that has to throw off the math somehow. It’s like those ballots that got the wrong hole punched or something? I dunno, I heard about it on TV when I was in prison on some news program. Point is, the only thing up with you is that you came back when you shouldn’t have. And I know you’re still dealing with all that, so don’t go thinking you’re not human or anything, because even if you’re not, I don’t give a damn. You’re Buffy Summers, and that’s all that matters.”

Buffy looked like she was about to argue the point, but then exhaled, seeming to decide not to pick this battle. “Why are you waiting in my room?”

Faith shrugged. “Had to talk to you. Also had to keep an eye Red and Lil D. Why’d you come in through the window? Afraid they’d judge you if they found out what you were up to?”

Buffy sighed. “And you’re not?”

Faith felt her face flush. “Not trying to judge you, but if I am, then I’m sorry. I’m just… You feel safe enough with Spike to get down and dirty with him. You’ve been around him for a few years. I haven’t. I see a vampire who’s killed two slayers before, and now he has a serious obsession with you. I don’t want you to think you’ve got one thing going with this vamp and he thinks he’s got something else going on. I don’t want to…”

Buffy sat up a bit straighter and looked at Faith in the eye, a mischievous smile on her face. “You don’t want to what, Faith?”

“I don’t want to lose you, B!” Faith said, just barely restraining herself form shouting. “I don’t want you to go into a predator’s den and forget that he’s a predator. I don’t want you to think you’re in control and then suddenly end up in way over your head. I don’t want you to make my mistakes, B!”

Buffy wasn’t laughing anymore, and her eyes held something that might have been worry. “What mistake are you talking about? I’ve picked up bits and pieces in the past few months, but I never got the whole story. I think it’s time I heard it.”

Faith looked up straight into Buffy’s hazel eyes, her own brown gaze a mix of pain and fury. Slowly and quietly, Faith got up and closed the door to Buffy’s room. “This doesn’t go beyond this room,” Faith said with steely resolve. “This is how my story begins. I’m the only one who gets to tell it, and only if I choose to. You hear me, B?”

Buffy nodded. “I hear you, Faith. And I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t think it was important. But like I said, I’ve picked up bits and pieces, but I want to understand you. And for that, I think I need the whole story.”

Faith sat down next to Buffy on her bed. “So, I’m guessing I have a dad out there somewhere, but whoever he is, he never cared enough to stick around. Mom was a drunk and a druggie, and she barely noticed I was around most of the time. When she did notice, it was usually because she’d done something stupid and needed to take out her anger on someone other than herself.

“So, I’m a growing girl, got a mom who barely remembers to buy food. Looking back, probably couldn’t afford it. All the money went to booze and drugs, I’d bet. So I learn how to be quiet and quick, lift wallets from people with enough money that they won’t miss a little. Managed to keep myself fed. Learned where the best shelters were, and where the nicest alleyways were for when the shelters were full.”

Faith took a deep breath. “I went to school more for the cheap lunches than anything else. Also a few hours a day with a roof over my head and a temperature where I wouldn’t freeze to death or overheat in the summer, so that was nice. After a while, the teachers started to get on my case about my grades, and I figured it was starting to be more trouble than it was worth, so I left one day and didn’t look back.”

It was getting difficult to keep her eyes open, but Faith was too scared to close them. Some of her worst memories were dangerously close to the surface, and so long as she was in Buffy’s house, she wasn’t back there. “So, I go back to picking pockets. Only this time, I’m not looking close enough, and someone grabs my hand before I can lift his wallet. Turns out I picked some mobster, and his flunky caught me before I could get to him.

“So before I know it, I’ve got a hood over my head, and I’m taken who-knows where. They lift the hood off, and I’m in a dark room with guns pointed at me, and the guy… He makes me an offer. Says he gets my story. Says that he knows that I was just trying to survive, but that I made a big mistake going after him. He tells me he knows some cops, and if I don’t do what he says, I get the finger for a bunch of stuff he and his boys have done. Or, I can do what he says, and I get a roof over my head, three square meals a day, and I never have to worry about food or a place to stay for the rest of my life. All I gotta do is ‘keep him company’ at night when he’s lonely. I didn’t really get what he meant at the time, so I figured it’s as good a deal as I’m gonna get.”

Faith wasn’t looking at Buffy, but she could feel her sister slayer’s gaze upon her. “The next two, three years or so, I get dolled up every morning, pimped out every afternoon, and every night, I come ‘home’ to this asshole who likes to try something new every night. And if he doesn’t have fun, then I get beat. Every night for I don’t know how long. And before you ask, I never knew his name. I only knew him by what he made me call him. Started with a capital M, you see? And I’m never calling him that again.

“And now, here’s the part where I gotta ask you to promise not to kick me out of the house when you hear what happens next. I don’t think you will, but maybe that’s just me wanting to believe something. So promise me, Buffy, that you listen and don’t judge me, okay?”

Faith looked up at Buffy, and she saw unshed tears in the blonde slayer’s eyes. “I’m listening,” she said softly.

Faith nodded. “So, one night, I’m bracing myself for meeting the guy, and then something passes through me. I feel alive like I’ve never felt before. I didn’t know it at the time, but I’d just become a Slayer. And I knew I was almost home free. So when he starts to have his way with me, I act. I barely even remember what happened, but somehow, I knew how to fight. Not just brawling or tumbling, but actually fighting back. And I know that this guy’s never gonna give me up without a fight, and I have no idea how far his reach stretches.

“So I snapped his neck, and I killed the guard who stood in my way, and I broke free. I couldn’t got the hospital, since he’d have guys there, so I just wandered for a few days, maybe weeks. And then a woman named Diana Dormer meets me in the rain, tells me I’m destined for great things, and that there’s a hero out there just like me. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was proof that there was such a thing as good in the world, and I knew I had to meet her. And one thing led to another, and here we are.”

Faith looked up again at Buffy, and one look told her all she needed to know. Just as she’d feared, Buffy looked to have taken the one thing away from this story that Faith didn’t want her to. “You killed them,” Buffy said quietly. “Alan Finch wasn’t the first. Why-“

“Because he was a monster, Buffy,” Faith said a bit angrily. “He and his boys may have been human, but that’s just their bodies. While you were fighting demons, I was a monster’s plaything. I was a slave, Buffy. I was stuck in a monster’s den, and when I had the chance to free myself, I took it. I didn’t have a mom to protect me. I didn’t have _anyone_ to protect me! All I had was myself. And then I met Diana, and she told me that I was destined to be a hero. And she told me that there was another hero. Someone like me who had been fighting monsters for three years already. And I knew that she had to be something special, because she was a superhero who looked out for those who couldn’t look out for themselves. And maybe, I wanted to her to look at me and see something better than gutter trash. Better than just some worthless girl. Better than the monsters she escaped from.”

A chuckle escaped Faith’s lips. “What’s that saying? Stare too long and the darkness stares back? I think I may have been beyond help by the time I got here. Got a second chance now, though. You gonna let me take that second chance, B?”

Buffy seemed to be at a loss for words. Faith could tell that she was trying to form a sentence, but it wasn’t coming to her lips. “I… I don’t know what to say, Faith,” she said at last.

“Then don’t say anything,” Faith replied. “But you wanted to know my story, and that’s it. And I know you have this thing about not killing humans, but I gotta disagree with you there. Human is just a term for a living body with a soul in this general shape and size. There are good people, like you. And there are bad people. And some people are so bad that they do some things that would scare some not-so-violent demons. Human or demon, that’s not the issue. The issue is people and monsters. Humans can be monsters and demons can be people. And I wish I could tell you which one I am, but I’m afraid I got a bit of both in me, B. Wish I knew what the balance was, but I don’t.”

The two slayers sat quietly on Bufy’s bed for a while, not moving, barely breathing. After maybe minutes, maybe an hour, Faith got up and started to head to the door.

“Faith?”

“Yeah, B?” she said, turning back around.

“So, why were you waiting here for me?” Buffy asked.

“Ah. I forgot, what with the storytelling and such. So, um… Got a call from City Hall earlier today. Specifically the courthouse. Remember when we went to the bank and found out that Wilkins left me enough money to keep us all living nice for the rest of our lives?”

Buffy nodded. “What about it?”

“Remember how there was a demon at the bank that day? And how some stupid old classmates of yours tried to rob the bank while you were fighting the baddie?”

“I thought they caught the guys,” Buffy said. “You managed to pull off their masks, and the bank cameras got their faces, right?”

“Yeah,” Faith said. “But that’s not enough, it seems. You and I are about to become witnesses for the prosecution in the case of Sunnydale vs. Mears, Wells, and Levinson.”


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And normally, this case would be open and shut, and the prosecution would have an easy win. To put it quite frankly, you’re the biggest risk to this case, and we want to come up with a strategy to make sure that you don’t do anything to let these three young men go free.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **DISCLAIMER:** I am not a lawyer or a legal scholar or anything close to an expert on matters of court proceedings. For the sake of this chapter and at least a few upcoming chapters, please accept that this is my layman's take on the legal system, and not anything close to a realistic portrayal. It is merely my best guess at how it works based on what I've read and seen in the news and, I confess, a few televised works of fiction.

### Chapter Nineteen

The days after Faith’s full confession of her past to Buffy had been tense for a while. Buffy was having difficulty reconciling Faith’s past actions with the circumstances that had led her to take such drastic action. Buffy knew on some intellectual level that Faith had suffered in ways that Buffy could never even imagine, and likely never would be able to comprehend. On the other hand, her gut instincts told her that what Faith had done was wrong. Murder was never acceptable, under any circumstances.

It had been one of Willow’s regrets that reminded Buffy just how precarious her moral standing was. She had kept Faith’s story private, but she had tried to broach the subject of if it was ever okay to kill a human, in any circumstance. Willow had started off with legal examples of self-defense that were justifiable by human law, but when it became clear that Buffy was talking about Faith, Willow confessed to something that took Buffy back.

Willow had set the Buffybot on Faith to keep her from getting in the way of bringing Buffy back to life. That wasn’t the worst of it, however. Willow had apparently dressed and made up the robot to look exactly the way Buffy did when she went to Faith’s apartment, armed with Faith’s knife, with the express intent of killing Faith. And apparently, Faith had shared her memory of the event with Willow and Tara to drive home just how wrong Willow had been.

Willow assured Buffy that she had learned her lesson, and mother of all strangeness, but Willow seemed to think that Faith really had turned herself around. The people she’d hurt, Willow had said, were the only ones who could offer or withhold forgiveness for anything Faith had done to them. The talk had taught Buffy something about Judaism as well. Willow might be a practicing Wiccan now, but some of her childhood lessons stuck with her.

According to Willow, in Jewish law, before you could ask forgiveness from God, you had to ask forgiveness from the human beings you had wronged. Buffy wasn’t sure that she had been looking for that answer, or anything like it, but it helped to put things in perspective.

Buffy wasn’t God, not even close. And while Faith had wronged her in the past, Buffy had forgiven her. She hadn’t expressly told this to Faith, but there it was. As for the people Faith had killed, Buffy imagined that there would come a time when Faith would be able to ask for their forgiveness, but hopefully that day would be a long time in the coming. What was important was perspective. Whatever Faith had done to others, it wasn’t Buffy’s place to condone or condemn her. And while it was easy to voice that logic aloud, it was harder to put it to practice in her heart.

Another week passed, and Buffy had felt a bit easier as she’d fallen back into a routine. Faith was around, looking after not just Sunnydale, but truly starting to feel like a regular fixture in the household. Buffy wasn’t quite sure if she was ready to call Faith ‘family’ yet, but it felt like that might be the case sometime soon. Both Slayers were helping Willow to get through her personal crisis, one step at a time. Faith had tried to tell Willow that magic in and of itself wasn’t bad at all, and what mattered was Willow’s intent while using it. Buffy had been so proud of her best friend when she’d insisted that she wasn’t ready to use magic yet without being tempted to misuse it, and she insisted on readjusting her lifestyle to one without magic at all.

Tara hadn’t been by yet, but Faith kept visiting her to keep her up to date on things. Buffy was more than a little surprised at how fast and how well Faith and Tara had hit it off as friends, and privately, Buffy wondered if there wasn’t more going on than just friendship.

Of course, that would almost be a relief if it meant that Buffy could somehow forget what Faith had confessed in song, and it would make Buffy feel cleaner if she could slay with Faith without making out with her when the thrill of the hunt got the better of them. For Buffy, it was purely physical. It was release of a kind she was just beginning to explore with someone who she trusted implicitly not to harm her. And that implicit trust was strange enough on its own, but it was there on a deep enough level that it simply could not be refuted.

And now, all of that had to be put the wayside as Buffy and Faith walked from the Magic Box towards City Hall. Despite her progress, Buffy still didn’t Willow alone by herself or with Dawn, so she’d walked them both to the Magic Box where Anya could keep an eye on them. Xander was actually starting to make a decent living as a carpenter, and as a businesswoman, Anya was keen on educating potential customers and keeping them from tampering with the merchandise. It was an unlikely combination that made her a strangely ideal chaperone.

All of that couldn’t keep Buffy’s discomfort at bay as she went with Faith to meet with the prosecution attorneys. Buffy was far from the biggest fan of law enforcement, and she wasn’t the one who had actually been to jail. Faith seemed calm on the outside at least, and while Buffy imagined that she must be screaming on the inside, Faith’s quiet confidence made Buffy feel a bit more at ease.

Buffy and Faith had both worn their ordinary street clothes, and Buffy felt immediately self-conscious when she sat down across a table from two men in impeccably-tailored suits. “Thank you for coming, Miss Summers. Miss Lehane.”

“Sure thing,” Buffy said with an ease she didn’t feel. “So, I’m guessing we’re here to go over some stuff before the actual trial, make sure we remember everything right, etcetera and so forth, Mister…?”

“Russel. And this is my partner, Mister Lloyd.”

Buffy noticed that neither of the lawyers had shared their first names, and she wasn’t sure what that said about them, but she nodded and shook their hands all the same. “Mr. Russel. Mr. Lloyd.”

“Yes, so that’s half the reason you’re both here,” Russel said as he sat down and took some folders out of a briefcase. “The other half – more than half, really – is about how we’re going to convince the jury that either of you are credibly witnesses. To be frank, there are more than a few unflattering things in both of your files. Miss Summers, you’ve been involved with a number of disciplinary incidents during your school years, which is to say nothing of your record, Miss Lehane.”

Faith looked ready to attack the men, but Buffy put a hand on her shoulder to ease her sister Slayer. “Sorry, but I’m a bit confused,” Buffy said. “Stuff that we did in the past, that’s been settled and dealt with legally… What does that have to do with this case?”

“Legally speaking, nothing at all,” Mr. Lloyd said. “However, the defense is likely to use your pasts to try to make you out to be unstable and unreliable. All they need is reasonable doubt to get these guys off the hook, and if you’re going to testify, then the defense is going to use your past legal troubles to try and make you look like the bad guys, paving the way for the defendants to go free.”

Faith finally broke her silence. “But it’s not like we were the only ones there. There were plenty of people in the bank that day. The customers, the employees, you gotta tell me we’re not the only witnesses, right?”

“No, you’re not,” Mr. Russel confirmed. “And normally, this case would be open and shut, and the prosecution would have an easy win. To put it quite frankly, you’re the biggest risk to this case, and we want to come up with a strategy to make sure that you don’t do anything to let these three young men go free.”

Now it was Faith’s turn to put a hand on Buffy’s shoulder to reassure her. “We’re the good guys, B. We just gotta make sure that nobody convinces the jury that we’re not. We know we’re the good guys, so we tell the truth, right?”

“Well, Miss Lehane,” Russel said, “it’s not just telling the truth, but how you tell the truth. So let’s start with the three defendants.” The lawyer opened a folder and laid it out in front of Buffy and Faith. There were three mugshots with names attached to them. “Do either of you recognize any of these three men?”

Buffy and Faith each said “Yes” and “No,” respectively, at the same time. Faith turned to Buffy. “Well, I guess it’s your turn, B. You know these guys?”

“Yes,” Buffy said. “I’m pretty sure that at one time or another, I was in the same high school class as each of them.”

“Miss Summers, do you have any personal relationships with any of the three defendants? Or have you in the past?”

Buffy shrugged. “I’m not sure I’d call it ‘personal,’ but I remember experiences with Warren Mears and Jonathan Levinson. This one, Andrew Wells… He looks vaguely familiar, but if I met him, he must not have made a strong impression.”

“What can you tell me about your experience with Mr. Mears?” Lloyd asked.

Buffy took a second to steady her breathing. “I didn’t really know Warren in high school. I think he only attended for a semester or so. I met him last year, and got a bit mixed up in him breaking up with his ex, I think.”

“Mixed up in what way?” Russel asked.

Buffy laughed. “This is gonna sound crazy, but you’re going to have to believe me. Warren is, I would have to say, a genius. I’m talking brainpower only, not the morality to use that brainpower well. He made a walking, talking, life-like robot as a girlfriend and, I imagine, a sex toy. He left it at whatever college campus he was at, only it followed him back, looking for him. The robot was built to resemble a girl named April, and she – it! – was slavishly loyal to him. It had been programmed with a ton of misogynistic crap about how to be the perfect girlfriend. I was at a club when the robot appeared and someone said something it didn’t like, and it threw him aside like he was nothing before moving on.

“It kept asking for Warren, so I looked him up, found him, and tried to get him to do something about April. When his girlfriend found out about it, she broke up with him, and Warren ordered April to attack me so he could get away from his personal mess. I ended up fine, but April ran out of power soon afterwards, and that was that.”

“To be clear, Miss Summers, you’re saying that Mr. Mears intentionally used a machine of his own making to attempt to kill you?”

Something about the lawyer’s tone of voice convinced Buffy that he was actually on her side, and she suddenly felt a lot better. “I don’t’ remember if he said ‘Kill Buffy’ or ‘Keep her busy’ or ‘Attack her’ or whatever. I just know that he ordered her to do something to me to keep me from intervening.”

“Did Mr. Mears have reason to fear any particular type of intervention?”

And just like that, Buffy’s guard was up again. “What do you mean?”

“To be frank, Ms. Summers, you have a record of juvenile delinquency that any decent lawyer could use to-“

“Actually, that part’s bogus,” Faith said.

“I’m sorry? Could you elaborate, Miss Lehane?”

“Sure thing, Russel. Or is it Lloyd? Mister Russel or Lloyd or whatever! I’m bad with names today. Point is, I worked in City Hall for a while. You have records of that, right?” Faith said.

“We do. You were listed as a ‘Personal Aide to Mayor Wilkins.’ Does that have any relevance to this case?”

“It does,” Faith said.

“It does?!” Buffy asked, her surprise more than audible.

Faith sighed. “The mayor liked things to run smoothly in Sunnydale. He had a certain way of doing things. If he thought there was a problem in his city, he’d try to handle it quietly, without causing too much trouble. I remember he had some conversations with the principal at the high school, and the two of them would discuss Buffy specifically. The principal was an asshole, and for some reason, the mayor listened to him go on and on about how Buffy Summers was trouble. I only saw the guy once or twice, and I can tell you that Snyder was just a mean piece of crap who liked to pick on people. But the Mayor respected him, and so he’d offer his help in doing whatever he could to make Buffy look bad. I’m guessing the Mayor thought he was helping to stop a possible problem in Sunnydale before she got out of school.”

Buffy’s jaw was hanging agape, and Faith laughed when she turned and saw. “Don’t tell me you hadn’t figured that out, B? You didn’t really think it was just Snyder putting you through all that crap, did you?”

Russel was rapidly writing down notes, and when he stopped, he turned to Faith. “If what you’re saying is true, why didn’t you speak up or do anything about it, Miss Lehane?”

Faith laughed out loud, and she kept laughing for at least a minute.

“I’m not sure I see the humor, Miss Lehane,” Lloyd said.

Faith calmed herself down. “When I first got to Sunnydale, I was living in a dirt cheap motel. It was all I could afford. The mayor gave me a job, gave me a place to stay, he gave me basically everything. You could say he bought my loyalty, and you wouldn’t be wrong. But even if I didn’t like the guy - and I did like him – and even if I knew for a fact that he was doing something shady (which I wouldn’t, since I don’t speak legalese), who would I go to? This is a small town and everything leads back to City Hall, and back then, the Mayor _was_ City Hall. And even if he wasn’t the law of the town, I still would’ve kept his secrets.”

“That’s quite a bit of loyalty for a ‘bought’ woman, Miss Lehane.”

“Well, it was more than that,” Faith said. “It started out with me needing a job, him seeing that I needed a better place, and then he came through for me. But then we got to know each other, and he kinda became the dad I never had. And if you believe his will, he saw me as a daughter. He left a lot to me after he died, and I was in a coma at the time. Guy gave me more than almost anyone else in the world.”

“’Almost’ anyone else?”

Faith nodded. “Buffy here. If money could buy it, Wilkins gave it to me. If money had nothing to with, I owe it all to her.”

“But you just said that Mayor Wilkins thought of you as family, and you felt the same. Am I wrong?”

Buffy looked to Faith, wondering what her answer would be.

Faith returned Buffy’s gaze. “The Mayor gave me a lot, but he also took a lot. I didn’t realize how much until Buffy showed me what I’d lost in the process. Money comes and goes. What Buffy’s given me, that’s forever.”

Buffy had to look away. She couldn’t let anyone see her face. She was worse than worthless. She was a pitiful creature who had to rely on the basest of impulses to even feel moderately alive. She used Spike and Faith both just to feel something. Using Spike made her feel dirty. Using Faith made her feel worse. Spike might be a soulless demon, and because of that, she could use him and discard him, even if she was lying down in the gutter. But hearing Faith’s very soulful adoration of her, and knowing that she was using her… Buffy didn’t know how much longer she could take it. Just being in the same room as Faith…

Then the metaphorical truck hit Buffy. For the first time in their relationship, Faith was the pure one. She was the honest one. She was the loyal one. She was everything that Buffy had never thought that Faith could be. And Buffy was becoming everything she once saw in Faith and found disgusting. It wasn’t a competition at all. She didn’t begrudge Faith at all for being the good one. As the legal chatter went on and on, Buffy only spoke up when directly addressed, and she forgot what she’d said immediately after she said it.

By the time the two slayers left City Hall, the sky was inching closer to sunset, but Buffy only noticed out of habit. She couldn’t quite bring herself to care. And damn, but she couldn’t deny it anymore. Faith was definitely in love with her. Buffy didn’t understand it, and she didn’t want to believe it, but after everything she’d experienced since coming out of the ground, it was impossible to deny.

And it made her feel sick. Buffy wasn’t worth such love. She kept doing awful things just to feel alive, and she still wasn’t convinced that she even _was_ alive.

“What’s wrong, B?”

And there was Faith trying to come to the rescue again. She didn’t ask ‘Is everything okay?’ She didn’t ask ‘Are you all right?’ She just knew that something was wrong, and her question cut straight to the heart of the matter. Buffy wanted to lie, to say something to reassure Faith, but decided quickly that she wouldn’t. She’d been entirely honest with Faith and no one else, and surprise of all surprises, but Faith had earned her trust.

“I feel dead, Faith,” Buffy whispered out as they rounded the corner onto Revello Drive. “And I wanna feel alive, even if that’s a lie, and even if I don’t deserve it, but I hate feeling dead.”

Faith was quiet for a few moments. “I thought you were at peace when-“

“No!” Buffy said, her voice rising sharply. “When I really was dead… I felt warm, a-and soft, and at peace. I felt loved and safe and everything good. Right now, right here… I don’t feel anything anymore. And I want to, because if I can’t, then what’s the point of anything?”

Faith nodded rapidly, and Buffy had no idea what was in her mind. And then she spoke. “Come to bed, Buffy.”

Looking up at the sky, Buffy chuckled. “It’s a bit early, isn’t it?”

“Come to bed with _me,_ Buffy.”

That was unexpected, not to mention terrifying. “Faith…” Buffy said, trying to choose her words carefully. “I know how you feel, and I wish I could feel the same way, but I don’t. And I don’t want to use you after all you’ve done for me.”

Faith sighed. “You’ve been trying the same thing that I tried for so much of my life. Gratification. Sexual release. That’s not what I’m talking about. I want you to let me make love to you, Buffy. You don’t have to do anything to me, but let me… I dunno? Try to show you how I feel with my body and not with words and such, right? There’s a huge difference, and I don’t really know, but I don’t think you can fake this kind of thing.”

Buffy looked at Faith as if she was some strange alien creature. “Faith, have you ever had a serious relationship? Have you ever made love to anyone before?”

“No,” Faith replied. “But someone once made love to me.” Faith looked up at Buffy, and her brown eyes were full of terror. “Only he thought that it was you.”

And then the pieces fell into place. “When you used us both. You used Riley, and you used my body… And you learned about making love in the process?”

Faith shrugged, but just barely. “The boy really loved you. And I felt that. And it scared the hell out of me. I’ve done it every which way before, but never with the kind of love that he thought he was showing you. So let me try to make up for that. You don’t have to show any feelings that you don’t feel, but let me show you, best I can, that you are loved, and that you’re worth loving. Let me help you feel alive, Buffy.”

Buffy didn’t say anything, but just nodded her head in agreement. Without another spoken word, the two Slayers walked back to 1630 Revello Drive, went inside, walked up the stairs to Buffy’s bedroom, and then they closed the door behind them.


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I think it was just before I woke up, but you were there, B. We were both making this bed, and we were talking about stuff. ‘Lil’ sis coming. So much to do before she gets here.’ Doesn’t make much sense, and I don’t know if you dreamed that too, but it’s been making me think if there’s something I’m missing that I should know.”

### Chapter Twenty

Dawn was pouring herself a bowl of cereal, giving thanks to whatever god might be listening for giving her the gift of weekends. School had to be some sort of divine test of her ability to be patient and tolerate the existential evils of math and chemistry. But whatever deity out there that created school was also merciful, for they had created Saturday and Sunday as well. Dawn had thought about thanking the God that she had been raised with, but something didn’t click. God supposedly rested on the seventh day, but church was on Sunday: the first day. It didn’t add up, but there still had to be something out there. If there was a goddess of hell that wanted to use Dawn to open a portal, then there had to be other gods out there. And one such god had probably come up with school as a way to vex poor, innocent younger sisters like herself.

So while Dawn was giving thanks for the gift of weekends, she was also preparing her breakfast, and she was also hearing a strange beat of footsteps coming down the stairs. Everyone in this house had a certain rhythm to how they walked, but whomever was coming down the stairs was doing so like they were skipping or something.

Dawn’s question was answered as Buffy walked into the kitchen, humming a silly tune, and a goofy-looking smile on her face. “Good Morning, dear little sister of mine,” she said cheerfully.

Something was up, and while Dawn was glad to see Buffy acting happy after all she’d been through, something didn’t add up. “Good Morning, evil body-snatcher. Who are you, and what have you done with my sister?” she asked without any real bite. “You didn’t come to pick me up from the Magic Box yesterday. Xander walked me and Willow back, and you and Faith were already asleep when we got back.”

“Yes, indeed, we were, Dawn. Here, lemme get the milk for you,” Buffy said cheerfully as she poured the milk into Dawn’s bowl of cereal.

“Buffy,” Dawn said carefully. She was starting to worry for her big sister. “You seem happy. And it’s not that I don’t like you happy, but you’ve just been kind of not-happy for a while. There have been moments when you’ve been better than others, but something’s happened, right? Something good, I hope?”

Buffy merely hummed a tune as she put the milk back in the refrigerator. “A proper lady doesn’t kiss and tell,” she said with a giggle. A _giggle_ of all things!

At the very least, that was good to hear. “So there was kissing involved, was there? Do I get to meet the lucky guy?”

Buffy’s humming slowly died down. “There is no guy, and they’re not the lucky one,” Buffy said sadly. “But, they made me feel for a while. And not just feel, but feel _good,_ Dawnie. It’s just…”

Danger! Danger! Buffy’s happy feelings were starting to give way to unhappy feelings. What to do? “Hey, Buffy? You can talk to me, okay? You’ve done so much for me, and I’ve been a brat about it most of the time. So, if there’s anything I can do without being a brat, then let me try, okay?”

Buffy looked at Dawn and a warm, genuine smile crossed her face. Leaning down, Buffy kissed Dawn on the top of her head. “I love you, Dawn, you know that right?”

“I know, Buffy. But spill. What’s got you all twitter-pated and confused?” Dawn asked.

Buffy sighed. “Yesterday, after we came back from the courthouse, I was feeling down. Worse than usual. And Faith… She took me to bed and… She really does love me, Dawn. I didn’t really believe it, but what she gave me, what she showed me… I can’t deny it anymore.”

Dawn covered her smiling face to smother the squeal of delight that was trying to burst out of her. “Oh, my God! That’s amazing! She told me about how she felt, but I’m so glad that you two-“

“That’s just it, Dawn!” Buffy said, and her face was no longer full of joy. “Faith loves me. Faith is _in love_ with me, and she has been since before we even met. And I know that she’ll never do anything to hurt me, ever, and that she’ll always be there for me.”

Dawn nodded. “So what’s the problem, Buffy?”

“The problem,” Buffy said with a sigh, “is that I don’t feel the same way. Faith has done more for me than so many people. We’ve had our ups and downs, but lately it’s been all ups. She’s become a part of my life, and I don’t want to lose that. But love isn’t something that I can just will into being on cue. Faith loves me, and I think that love is entirely unconditional. But I don’t love her back. At least, not in the same way that she loves me.”

Dawn’s felt her eyes widen, and she realized how confused she really was. Willow and Tara had fallen in love, and after everything that had happened and was still happening, Dawn knew that it was only a matter of time before they got back together. When Faith had told her story to Dawn, it had seemed like she and Buffy were destined for something similar. Only Buffy was telling her that it wasn’t that simple.

“Do you feel like you should love her? I mean, you can’t feel what you don’t feel, right Buffy? Does Faith know how you-“

“She knows, Dawn,” Buffy said with a sad smile. “At least, I think she does. Even if she doesn’t, and even if I told her, I don’t think she’d care. I think she’d still be there for me no matter what. And it’s weird. This isn’t like Angel or Riley. This isn’t even a guy, and that’s been confusing enough for me to process. But whatever Faith feels, it’s just so pure. And even if I don’t love her, I don’t have to pretend around her. When I’m at my worst, she’ll listen without judging. When I need help, she’s there for me without asking for anything in return. What do I make of that?”

Dawn couldn’t help but smile. “I think that Faith has always been in love with you, and I don’t think anything you say or do is ever going to change that. And if she makes you happy, and if she makes you feel safe, then I want her to stick around.”

“Well, I guess I’ll have to stick around, won’t I?” Faith said as she entered the kitchen. “That is, if you want me to stay, B?” she said as she made for the fridge.

Buffy smiled at Faith, and Dawn saw something on her sister’s face that had been missing for too long. Buffy looked content. “Of course, I want you to stay, Faith. Assuming Dawn’s okay with it, that is.”

Dawn just giggled. “Faith. Stay. Don’t you dare leave her, you hear me?”

Faith smiled back. “Only way I leave is if I ever outstay my welcome. I never thought I’d say this about anywhere, ever, but I’m starting to feel like this might be home. I’ve never really had a home before, so this is kinda new, and a little scary. But mostly nice.”

Dawn stood up and ran over to tackle Faith in a fierce hug. “This is your home if you want it to be, okay?”

Feeling a comfortable ruffling of her hair, Dawn looked up at Faith and saw a soft smile on her face. “Damn, this is weird,” Faith said. “Okay, so I gotta talk to you. Both of you,” she said more seriously. “I’ve been feeling some stuff and dreaming some other stuff, and I’m wondering if something’s going on here that I’m missing out on.”

Dawn backed out of the hug and gave Faith a bit of space. “What’s up?”

Faith fetched a bagel from a bag in the fridge, split it in half, and put the two halves in the toaster. “Well, it’s about you, Lil D. First things first, I didn’t treat you right the first time around, not at all, so I’m sorry. Trying to do better now, but still-“

“It’s all right, Faith,” Dawn said. “What’s bothering you?”

“That’s just it!” Faith said. “It’s less of a ‘bothering me’ and more of a ‘confusing me.’ Like, when I’m looking out for you, when things are tough, I start to feel things that I don’t usually feel. I mean, I want you to be safe and all, but it’s more than that. It’s like… I dunno. Like I’m _supposed_ to look after you. Like I’m less than me if I don’t look after you, Dawn. I feel like you’re a part of me, like a real little sis. Not Buffy’s I mean, but _my_ little sis. I don’t even know what that feels like, but I know it’s you when I feel this thing, whatever it is.”

Dawn looked to her side to catch Buffy’s eye, and judging from the look on Buffy’s face, they were thinking the same thing.

“There’s more,” Faith said. “When Willow got you into that crash, Dawn, I dreamed about it. I saw you bleeding, only the blood wasn’t blood, but a bright green light of some sort. I didn’t give it much thought at the time, since dreams don’t always make sense, not even Slayer dreams. So, I figure you’d want to rest when you got back, so I went to make your bed, and I remember this other Slayer dream I had back when I was in a coma. I think it was just before I woke up, but you were there, B. We were both making this bed, and we were talking about stuff. ‘Lil’ sis coming. So much to do before she gets here.’ Doesn’t make much sense, and I don’t know if you dreamed that too, but it’s been making me think if there’s something I’m missing that I should know.”

This was impossible. There was no way! Dawn wanted to say these things, but she was afraid that she’d be shouting desperately for something so obviously true not to be so. And then she gave it a moment’s thought, and she suddenly wasn’t sure if it would even be a bad thing if it were true.

“Buffy,” Dawn said slowly, her voice shaking, “I don’t remember what dad looks like. What color is his hair?”

“Brown,” Buffy said, though her voice was distant. “Light brown. Sandy. Almost blonde, but not quite. And mom was blonde. Like me.”

Faith looked Dawn straight in the eye, noticed the dark brown hue of her hair, and then turned her gaze on Buffy. “What’s going on? What am I missing here?”

Buffy took a deep breath and exhaled. “I’m thinking the three of us need to get a blood test. Get confirmation on what I’m fairly sure I already know.

“Dawnie, unless I’m very much mistaken, I’m not your only older sister. And you just asked your other one to stay here with us for my sake.”

Faith was opening and closing her mouth, clearly struggling for words. “It’s a long story, and I think everyone deserves to be told, don’t you think, Buffy?” Dawn said.

“I think so,” Buffy agreed. “Faith? I don’t think there’s any denying it. So long as Dawn calls this house her home, it’s your home as well. She can’t exactly live without either of her big sisters, can she?”

The toaster popped with Faith’s bagel ready to be eaten. Instead, Faith took the bagel out of the toaster, tossed it in the trash, and then fetched a can of beer from the fridge. “I’m sorry,” was all that Faith said as she opened the door to the backyard and took her leave.

Dawn looked at Buffy with tears in her eyes. “She’s not-“

“She’s just in shock, most likely,” Buffy reassured her sister. “I remember how I was when I first found out. And we haven’t even touched on the Key yet. You heard her, Dawnie. She cares for you. She just needs to come to terms with knowing that she was toyed with by those monks as much as anyone else. And she’s never had a family before, not like you and me and mom. She just needs some time.”

“Okay,” Dawn said quietly. And then a thought hit her. “Oh no. If you’re both my sisters, then you and Faith… You and Faith in bed… My sisters, in bed together with each other…”

“Eat your cereal, squirt,” Buffy said with a smile. Somehow, Buffy didn’t think that Faith would see Buffy any differently knowing that they shared a sister, even if the two slayers themselves weren’t related by blood. Did that make them what, exactly? Dawn’s two mothers? Blood donors? Supernatural guinea pigs?

Regardless of the reality, it wouldn’t change that Faith was in love with Buffy, and that Buffy was not and probably never would be in love with Faith.

* * *

Faith had gone for a run after she’d finished her beer. She’d just run a few laps around some area of space. It might have been a block, it might have been the whole damn town. Faith had to deal with some heavy stuff, and she wasn’t sure she could right away. So she ran. Not away from the problem, at least not forever. She knew better now that running from problems didn’t solve anything. But at the very least, it got her blood flowing, got her heart racing, got her mind off the issue for a few precious hours so she could focus on something else before giving the issue the time it needed and deserved.

After her run, Faith went straight to the Bronze. She needed another drink, and then probably another after that. Faith would have probably drunken herself into severe liver disease if the bartender hadn’t cut her off and given her some horrible concoction that he said would sober her up. Faith drank the damned thing more out of habit than out of any desire to be healthy or sober.

And it wasn’t like she was against the idea of being Dawn’s sister, which meant being Buffy’s family. It was just frightening on a level she hadn’t realized until she’d seen just how many bottles of beer were off to her side. Apparently, Faith hadn’t let the bartender throw them out. She had been eager to get every last drop from the dregs if she could, or so she was supposed to believe. Given that she’d gotten drunk on even her Slayer’s constitution, she believed it.

Before she knew it, the club was filling up, which meant that it was getting late. Damn, but this was confusing. There had to be magic involved, obviously. Probably something involving a green light, but beyond that, Faith had no idea. Magic was as much a mystery to her as anything else that needed studying, and Faith had never been the scholastic type. As much as she hated to admit it, she probably needed a shrink right now. Before prison, Faith would have laughed at the notion of therapy at all. Having gone through therapy and having reaped its benefits, she knew better now.

And she laughed. Faith Lehane laughed at the world that had taken her from Boston to Sunnydale to Los Angeles and back to Sunnydale, and that had somehow changed her so much in that journey that she barely recognized herself. She was still Faith Lehane, but she wasn’t any version of herself that she’d known before. And mystery of mysteries, but she _liked_ the Faith that she had become. And that was a first. For so long, Faith had hated herself, and had felt as though she deserved to be hated.

But especially now, after what Dawn and Buffy had revealed to her… Now Faith had real stakes to live for. Faith looked at the empty beer bottles and felt disgusted. She couldn’t binge like that again. Not when… Damn, but not when she had people to live for. People that she counted on and who in turn were counting on her. If that wasn’t a sobering thought, then Faith didn’t know what was.

So Faith walked out of the Bronze and prepared to make her way back home. _Not back to Buffy’s house. Back home. God, that’s weird._ Before she started on her way, however, she caught a familiar scent of leather and cigarette smoke. Following that around back, she saw a familiar leather jacket on a body with a familiar face with familiar bleached-blonde hair.

And just like that, everything seemed to click. “Yo, Spike!” she shouted as she stalked over towards the vampire.

Holding his cigarette in his right hand, he looked at Faith with that familiar look of a smug predator looking down at a weak piece of meat. “Beta-Slayer,” he said by way of greeting. “What do you want?”

Faith chuckled. “You can’t see Buffy anymore. You’re not gonna see her anymore. She needs to get better, and so long as you’re in the way, she can’t and she won’t. So you gotta stop.”

Spike looked up into Faith’s eyes, and he grinned a predator’s grin. “Jealous, are you? I can smell her on you. And I heard your song. So what? You think it’s your choice to make?”

Faith shook her head. “No. I think I’m her family, and I gotta look out for her. And you can’t see her anymore, and she can’t see you.”

Spike threw down his cigarette and stalked over to stand eye to eye with Faith. “And why, pray tell, is that?” he said with a challenging smile in his eyes.

Faith just grinned as she watched Spike’s eyes widen in terror. She followed his eyes down to the wooden stake she’d just jammed into his heart, and he looked her in the eyes once more, full of terror, before he turned to dust and scattered with the wind.

“Because it’s wrong,” Faith said to Spike’s ashes with utmost sincerity. Buffy might be pissed when she found out, but Faith had no doubts and no regrets about what she’d just done. She had a family now, and she’d do whatever it took to protect them. Even if they hated her for it, Faith would do anything for her newfound family. She’d do it because after a lifetime without ever knowing such things, Faith had finally discovered what it was to love someone.


	21. Chapter Twenty-One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Buffy Anne Summers,” the court officer said, “Do you swear or affirm to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”
> 
> “So help me God, I do.”

### Chapter Twenty-One

“Faith Lehane. Do you swear or affirm to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

“Yes,” Faith replied, keeping her voice level. She felt strangely vulnerable in a dress and heels, but court was a different sort of battlefield than a graveyard at night. She’d felt a bit weird about putting her hand on a Bible after all that she’d done, but thankfully there was the option to substitute the California State Constitution.

“Please be seated.” Faith sat down in the witness box and looked out at the court. There weren’t too many onlookers save for a few reporters. Most everyone here was part of the trial, be it as a witness, a juror, a lawyer, and the like. The three defendants looked nervous whenever their eyes moved to their own attorney. Faith guessed he was a state-appointed defense lawyer, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t make her and Buffy look bad to the jury.

“Miss Lehane, do you remember where you were on September 8th, 2001 at 2:15 in the afternoon?” Mr. Russel asked her.

“Yes,” she replied. “I was at Sunnydale Municipal Bank.”

“Why were you there?”

“A friend was letting me stay with her, and she was short on money. I remembered that I’d had a job with City Hall about two years back, and I thought there might be some money there I hadn’t checked on yet. We went there together to see if I had any money that could help her out.”

“What is this friend’s name?”

“Buffy Anne Summers.”

"Is Miss Summers in the courtroom here today?"

"Yes, she is."

“Could you point out Miss Summers in this courtroom, please?”

Faith gestured to where Buffy was seated. “Blonde, green eyes, short, sitting in the navy blue dress in the second row, second from the aisle.”

“Thank you, Miss Lehane. Please describe the events surrounding the defendants at Sunnydale Municipal Bank on September 8th, 2001 to the best of your recollection.”

Faith nodded. “I was waiting for the guy helping us to come back with some paperwork. His name was Franklin, didn’t get a last name. While we were waiting, I heard somebody scream near the front of the bank.”

“What did you do then?”

“Buffy and I went to look at what was going on. We saw a big guy, wearing some sort of Halloween mask or something, holding a guy up by his neck. And then I saw three guys, dressed in black, wearing black ski masks, making for the registers in the commotion. Buffy tried to stop the big guy, and I tried to stop the robbers.”

“You took it upon yourselves to take on armed bank robbers by yourselves?”

Faith shook her head. “I don’t think they were armed. The big guy might have been on some serious steroids, but I didn’t see any weapons. The security guys were already down, and Buffy was having trouble with the big guy. I ripped off the ski masks and hoped that the cameras would pick up their faces, and then I went to help make sure Buffy didn’t get herself killed.”

Mr. Lloyd handed something from the prosecution’s desk to Mr. Russel, who presented it to the judge. “Your Honor, the prosecution submits this security footage from Sunnydale Municipal Bank at the time and date of the events being described by Miss Lehane. The prosecution asks the jury to review the tape and confirm the accuracy of Miss Lehane’s testimony.”

Judge Stephen Holt took the tape and handed it to a clerk. “The court accepts the evidence into the record. Jurors, please review this evidence and use it to corroborate the associated testimony.”

Russel asked Faith a few more questions, basically confirming additional details like if she knew the defendants (she didn’t), why did she take on a large thug unarmed (martial arts training plus a protective instinct), and why didn’t she call the police (there was no nearby phone, innocent people were in immediate danger). Seemingly satisfied with her admittedly well-rehearsed answers, Mr. Russel eventually said, “No further questions,” and Faith braced herself for the defense’s smear campaign.

The defense lawyer was a lean, pale man with glossed-over spectacles who looked like he hadn’t had a good meal in a while. Faith felt for the guy, but she couldn’t give him any ground.

“Miss Lehane, is this your first time in a courtroom?”

“No.”

“How many times have you appeared in court before today?”

“Once.”

“In what capacity did you appear in court previously?”

“As a defendant.”

“A defendant, you say? What crimes were you defending yourself against?”

“None.”

That caught the defense attorney off guard. Faith wished that she’d caught his name. “You weren’t charged with any crimes, but you were a defendant?”

“I didn’t defend myself. I confessed voluntarily,” Faith clarified.

The attorney looked suddenly wary. He must not have done all of his homework. Faith guessed that a voluntary confession would gain her more points with this jury than if she had put up a defense.

“What crimes did you confess to, Miss Lehane?”

Faith inhaled deeply and then exhaled. This was the hard part. “Second degree murder, involuntary manslaughter, assault, battery, and breaking and entering.”

Mr. Defense Attorney let out a low whistle that was clearly for the jury’s sake. “That’s quite the list of crimes. Why did you do them?”

“Objection!” Russel said from his seat. “The witness is not the one on trial here, and she’s been granted a full pardon for all of her past crimes. In the eyes of the law, her criminal record is clean.”

“Objection sustained,” Judge Holt said. “Defense, keep your questions related to this trial, please.”

The poor, thin man looked like he was about to wither away. “Yes, Your Honor. So, um… Miss Lehane… Why were you at the bank on the date of the incident?”

Faith couldn’t help but smile. “I believe I’ve already answered that question.” The man was clearly afraid to take another go at Faith when the law was, surprisingly, on her side for a change. Personally, she would have preferred if the prosecution's objection had come before she'd had to name her crimes, but maybe Russel and Lloyd were trying to make Hill out to be super-vindictive?

“Mister Hill,” Judge Holt said sternly, “do you have any new questions for the witness?”

Faith looked at poor Mister Hill and gave as small a shrug as she could as if to say, “I’m sorry you got stuck with such a poor case.”

For his part, Mister Hill spent a few seconds fidgeting with his glasses before finally saying, “No further questions, Your Honor.”

“Thank you for your cooperation, Miss Lehane,” Judge Holt said to her. “Please exit the witness stand.”

* * *

“The prosecution calls Buffy Anne Summers to the witness stand.”

Buffy had been so scared for the fate of the trial when Faith had been called to the stand. She hadn’t been the first witness, and her account simply backed up what had been said by the half dozen or so other witnesses for the prosecution, not counting Buffy herself. Faith had made it look easy, so Buffy felt a bit surer of herself as she went to the witness stand.

Buffy placed on hand on the Bible presented to her and raised the other.

“Buffy Anne Summers,” the court officer said, “Do you swear or affirm to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

“So help me God, I do,” Buffy said with a small grin.

“Please be seated.”

Buffy took her seat, and suddenly she was far more self-aware. From here, she could see the entire courtroom. The jury, both the prosecution and the defense, the three defendants, and the Judge’s desk. The only thing she couldn’t see was the Judge himself, unless she were to turn her head and look up a bit.

Mr. Russel stood up once more and began his rapport with Buffy. She tried to remain calm and remember what they had rehearsed. “Miss Summers, Miss Lehane claims that she was with you at Sunnydale Municipal Bank on September 8th, 2001 and 2:15 PM. Is that accurate?”

“It is,” Buffy replied. “As is the rest of Faith’s… That is, Miss Lehane’s testimony.”

“She was there to help secure your financial solvency?”

“Yes. She had been absent for some time after her employment at City Hall, but during her time there, she had developed a close relationship with Mayor Wilkins, and she thought there was a chance that he had left something to her as part of her work with him.”

“Why was she absent?”

Buffy took a deep breath, knowing that this had to come out, but better on their terms than anyone else’s. “Faith was comatose when the Mayor died in the gas explosion at Sunnydale High School. After she woke up, she spent some time in prison, but she was pardoned a few months ago. She came back, met up with me, and decided to try and help me out.”

“Was she successful in helping you, Miss Summers?”

“Very much so,” Buffy said with a grin. “Mayor Wilkins and Miss Lehane developed a bond beyond employer and employee, and in his will, he left a lot of money to Miss Lehane, who used some of that money to secure my financial solvency.”

“Thank you for clarifying that, Miss Summers. Is there anything else about the incident at the bank on September 8th, 2001 that hasn’t been covered by Miss Lehane or any of the other witnesses for the prosecution?”

“No, but if you need to ask again to make sure the story is straight, then I’ll be happy to answer any questions you might have.”

“Thank you for your willingness to cooperate so fully, Miss Summers.”

“Anytime,” she said with a smile. Technically, she would have had to answer the questions anyway, but Russel and Lloyd wanted to establish her eagerness to do things by the book. The questions came and went, and Buffy answered them honestly, save for the demon being a thug in a mask. That was the official story, and Buffy saw no need to deviate from it.

Eventually, Mr. Russel had no more questions for her, and Mr. Hill rose with a smile. _Here it comes,_ Buffy thought. The prosecution had been fairly sure that the defense would use her personal connection to at least two of the defendants against her, but thankfully, they’d prepared for this.

“Miss Summers,” Hill said smugly, “please tell the court if you have any familiarity with any of the defendants outside of this trial.”

“I do,” Buffy answered.

“Really? Please elaborate on this familiarity.”

Buffy took another breath. “According to my high school yearbook and a few memories, Andrew Wells was a fellow member of the Class of 1999 at Sunnydale High School, but I don’t believe I interacted with him much. Warren Mears was part of that same class for a single semester. Apart from that, I was caught up in some of Warren’s romantic troubles. As for Jonathan Levinson…”

Buffy looked Jonathan straight in the eyes. Even with the few meters of distance separating them, she knew she had caught his gaze. “He was also in the Class of 1999. I remember once he was suicidal, and I talked him out of harming himself or anyone else. He also presented me with an unexpected award at the Senior Prom. ‘Class Protector,’ I believe it was.”

Jonathan broke eye contact at that, and Buffy couldn’t blame him. She knew that Warren was scum, and she didn’t know much about Andrew Wells, but Jonathan Levinson? Buffy hadn’t thought that he had this in him.

Apparently, poor Mister Hill hadn’t expected this either. “I see,” he said as he fiddled with his glasses, trying to adjust them on the bridge of his nose. “Would you say you bear any personal animus against the defendants?”

“Only Warren Mears,” Buffy answered honestly.

“So you dislike him? You want to make him suffer? Enough to conveniently be in a place to offer testimony against him?”

“Objection!” Russel said. “Miss Summers and Miss Lehane have both testified to their reasons for being at the scene of the crime at the time of the crime. Any personal connection is circumstantial at best.”

“Objection sustained,” Judge Holt said. “Mister Hill, think very carefully about how you go about your questioning.”

“Y-yes, Your Honor,” Hill said as he returned his attention to Buffy. “You said you bear personal animus against one of my clients.”

“Yes, but not enough to lie in court about him.”

Mister Hill turned to the Judge. “Miss Summers has a recorded history of juvenile delinquency, as can be seen in this file. The defense submits Buffy Summers juvenile record as evidence to the court. We believe it is material to her credibility as a witness.”

“The court accepts the file into evidence.”

Buffy winced, but kept her reaction subdued. Russel and Lloyd had warned her that this was a possibility, and they made sure to drill into her not to let it get under her skin.

“Now, Miss Summers, I want you to know a few things about Mr, Mears, whom you seem to bear some ill will towards. He is taking graduate-level classes in engineering and mathematics based on scholarships that were earned through years of hard work and study. I imagine you didn’t know that about him, did you?”

“I didn’t know for a fact, but I suspected that might be the case.”

“You did?” Hill said with genuine surprise. “Why?”

And there was her opening. “Because I’ve seen Warren Mears’ genius firsthand. He built a robot that was lifelike enough to fool several people into thinking it was a real human. The hair, the skin, the way it walked, all remarkably lifelike. It was built to be a romantic companion. It also was programmed to fight with force and skill. I know the last part because Warren told his pet robot to attack me when it looked like he might lose his then-current girlfriend due to his robot finding its way back to him.”

Mr. Hill shot a glare back at the Warren. Buffy guessed that Warren hadn’t shared that bit of information with him. “How did you come to be involved with Mr. Mears in this prior incident?”

“The robot, which called itself April, was looking for Warren. Probably following some programming to find him and be a good girlfriend. I was at a club when someone said something to April that it didn’t like, and it responded violently. I decided to try and find Warren to prevent any similar violent incidents.”

Mr. Russel chose that moment to stand up. “The prosecution would like to submit a sworn affidavit from Miss Katrina Silber, Mr. Mears girlfriend at the time, who describes this incident in further detail. The prosecution would also like the record to show that Miss Silber has filed a restraining order against Mr. Mears.”

“The court accepts the affidavit into the record. Regarding the restraining order, the court will not accept hearsay on the matter.”

“Prosecution requests additional time to locate the appropriate documentation and submit it to the court record as soon as possible.”

“Granted. Continue, Mr. Hill,” Judge Holt said sternly. Buffy guessed by the tone of the judge’s voice that he was growing convinced of the trio’s guilt.

“Umm… Yes. So, Miss Summers. Why, exactly do you bear personal animus against my client?”

“It’s simple, really,” Buffy said. “Warren Mears is, quite frankly a genius. He could easily make millions of dollars working for any number of tech companies, or founding his own, even. Instead, he chose to use his genius to make a robot sex slave that would obey his every command and get rid of anyone he thought might be in his way. I imagine you could look to the list that I heard was found in his room to get a clearer look at his mindset.”

“What list is that, Ms. Summers?”

“I’ll take this one,” Mr. Russel said. “After arresting them, police acquired search warrants for each of the defendants’ home residences. This photograph was taken in Mr. Mears basement, and shows a list of goals that seem to be the implied usage of the funds they were trying to steal.”

Buffy had seen the photograph, and she didn’t need to see it again. It proved that the boys were just that: children with juvenile fantasies of playing evil overlords. It would have been pitiful if Warren wasn’t smart enough to potentially be genuinely dangerous.

“The court accepts this photograph into evidence. Prosecution will provide anything and everything else the police have found in the course of their investigation.”

“Yes, Your Honor,” Mr. Russel said.

“Continue, Mr. Hill,” Judge Holt said.

“I… Yes, of course, Your Honor. That is…” Buffy almost felt sorry for the man. He was just doing his job, after all.

“E-excuse me?” a timid voice said from across the room.

Buffy knew that voice. She looked up and saw Jonathan Levinson getting to his feet. Warren was hissing something at him that Buffy couldn’t make out, but Buffy had an idea of what might be happening.

“M-mister Levinson?” Hill said, his voice shaking.

“Yes,” he said firmly. “Your Honor, I’d like to make a confession.”

“You idiot!” Warren hissed.

“No!” Jonathan shot back. “We were wrong. We were stupid in so many ways, and we’ve already lost. We lost the moment we agreed to this stupid idea in the first place. And, I want to apologize to Buffy Summers. You gave me a second chance, and I wasted it. If I ever get a third, I’ll use it to do better.”

Buffy didn’t know what to say, so she just nodded silently at Jonathan, meeting his gaze. Buffy never thought it would come to this, but she saw a bit of Faith in Jonathan’s face. If the prosecution had simply gone after Jonathan, without even relying on eyewitness testimony, he probably would have folded. Some might call him weak for that. Buffy liked to think that it showed the quality of his character, and that it was something to be admired.

The court had fallen utterly, completely silent. “Mister Hill,” Judge Holt said sternly, “I believe you and your clients may wish to confer with one another, and potentially with local law enforcement. Until then, this court stands adjourned.”


	22. Chapter Twenty-Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yes, Xander should have known better, but he didn’t mean to hurt anyone. It was an accident.”
> 
> “And Alan Finch wasn’t?”

### Chapter Twenty-Two

Faith went to get the newspaper from the front lawn, just as she had every day in the two weeks since the trial, and started to read it from front to back. She had been waiting for the right time to let Buffy know that Spike was no longer in the picture, but she didn’t want B to be distracted if this case was still open. For all that Dawn was fond of Spike, Faith was less worried about her than she was about Buffy.

Dawn was still a kid. Whatever the Key was, whatever spell some monks had performed to give the Slayer a sister, that didn’t matter. So far, the prevailing theory was that the monks were going to make Dawn out of Faith’s blood, but they had to shift it over to Buffy midway once they realized that she was in prison. The end result was everyone remembering Dawn as Buffy’s little sister, but with both Buffy and Faith having the instinct to protect Dawn borne from blood ties.

All of that aside, Dawn was still just a kid, and she was a kid who didn’t see Spike as a threatening presence, but as an actual friend. For Dawn, Faith would have to take a tough love approach. As for Buffy… Buffy was starting to seem a bit better all around, but she was still healing from something that Faith could barely understand, and she probably never would fully heal. Faith wasn’t worried that she’d done the wrong thing, not at all. But she was afraid that Buffy would take what Faith had done and that it would take her mind down a dark path.

So it was with a touch of relief that Faith turned the page and saw the article that read ‘Bank Robbers Found Guilty; One Confession Key to Conviction.’ Faith read the article in its entirety to be absolutely certain that this wouldn’t need any more of Buffy’s attention. What Faith did read, however, made her think to hold onto the article to show Buffy. She’d really made an impact on this Levinson kid, and since he’d confessed without so much as a plea deal, Faith thought he might just get that third chance he mentioned back in court.

Faith saw Dawn off to school, still wondering at the bonds of blood between the two and how they had come to be, and then headed back home to greet a hopefully-awake-by-now Buffy. Her sleep schedule had been irregular since she’d been resurrected, and Faith could never tell when Buffy would be up at dawn and when she would sleep in until noon.

By the time Faith got back, Buffy was in the kitchen, and so was Willow. “Faith!” the witch said with a warm welcome that would have been inconceivable just a few weeks ago. “How’s Dawnie?”

“She’s doing fine, Red,” Faith said. Ever since Willow had started her self-rehabilitation, her hostility towards Faith had all but disappeared. She’d been hesitant to welcome Faith’s advice at first, but that hesitance had quickly faded, and the angry young woman who had greeted Faith at Buffy’s graveside wasn’t even there anymore. Willow was starting to resemble the young woman that Faith had met almost three years ago, only a bit older and wiser. “How’re you doing, B?”

“Not too shabby,” Buffy said as she took a bite out of a piece of toast. “What’s up?”

Faith laid out the newspaper, turned to the appropriate page. “Thought this might brighten your day.”

Willow glanced over the paper first and split into a wide grin. “That’s… This is great! Buffy, you got ‘em! You went to City Hall, and you won! Only, you were with City Hall, so I guess that’s not quite as impressive, and Wilkins isn’t around anymore, but you won! You sent some hardened, rough-and-tumble, dangerously violent criminals to jail.”

Buffy laughed. “Thanks, Will. Only less with the ‘dangerously violent’ and more with the ‘dangerously brilliant.’ Warren might actually be just as smart as you, only he chose to use his smarts for evil instead of good.”

Willow’s face fell a bit. “Well, let’s not give me too much credit yet, okay? After all, look at where all my smarts got me in the end?”

Faith sighed and looked at Willow in the eyes. “You’re missing the important thing here, Willow. It’s not ‘in the end’ for you. You messed up, you realized it, and you’re forcing yourself to do better. You’re not at the end yet, and if I have anything to say about it, the end will keep its damn distance, you hear me?”

“Yes, ma’am!” Willow said with a mock salute. “No ending of things today, no siree!”

Faith nodded. “Glad to hear it. Mind if I have a moment alone with you, B?”

Buffy and Willow both looked up at Faith. “Well, that wasn’t disturbingly sudden at all,” Buffy quipped. “Is there a particular reason why you can’t share this with Willow?”

Faith forced herself not to break eye contact. “It’s about some stuff you confided in me. Privately, I mean.”

Buffy nodded. “Will, do you mind giving us a few minutes?”

Willow nodded. “Sure thing, Buffy. A-and if you need to talk about stuff, you can talk to me too, you know?”

Buffy smiled and put her hand over Willow’s. “I know,” she lied. Faith had come to know Buffy far more intimately than she had ever dreamed of, and while she was grateful that Buffy still trusted her, she was also worried that Buffy didn’t trust her other friends the same way yet.

Willow, however, seemed to take Buffy’s answer at face value. “Okay, then. I’ll just go and make sure I’ve got all my books, and then I’ll mosey on over to campus and make with the classes.” Willow laughed a little bit. “I said ‘mosey.’ The last time I heard that word was the night we first met you, Faith. It feels like forever ago.”

“It kind of is,” Faith agreed. “Now get lost and learn how to save the world with math or whatever.”

“What do you think I’ve been doing with all my classes ever since I met Buffy? If I read it, I think about how it might save the world. And now I’m gonna get lost so you can have your private chat.”

“Thanks, Red,” Faith said with a smile, and damn, but she felt it reach her eyes, and she knew that she was really, truly smiling. How weird was that?

Faith waited for Willow to leave before turning to Buffy, who had a strange look on her face. “You all right, B?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just I’ve never seen you smile like that, Faith. It was… You looked really beautiful. And really happy, which is more important, I think. And I’m glad that you’re finding things to be happy about. It’s just…”

“Freaking you out too, right? I mean, I’ve never felt this way before, so it must be driving you up a wall.”

Buffy winced. “You’re not mad?”

“Nah, B. You’re five by five. And I think I might be too, and that’s both really cool and really scary.”

Buffy smiled at Faith. “So. You wanted to talk about something private. What’s up?”

Faith sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter, her hands struggling to find a grip on anything behind her. “So, um… You’ve been looking better, B. And I’m really hoping you’re feeling better, too. But I might’ve done something that you won’t like. And you might think that it might keep you from getting back up to your old self, or as close as you can, you know?”

Buffy nodded, her face inscrutable. “Did you kill Spike?”

Faith hadn’t expected that. “You knew?!”

Buffy took a deep breath and exhaled. “I’ve been wondering why he hasn’t been bothering me recently, and with what you just said… Well, it wasn’t hard to guess.”

To Faith’s eye, Buffy seemed relatively all right, but she didn’t want to take any chances. “I thought you’d be pissed,” Faith admitted. “You don’t sound pissed, but I can’t always tell what’s going on inside.”

Buffy chuckled of all things, stood up and put a hand on Faith’s shoulder. “I’m glad you told me. To be honest, I’m a little relieved. Spike was… I was using him to feel alive, but I hated myself every time I did it. Spike might be – might _have been_ \- obsessed with me, but he couldn’t feel love without a soul. And I used him, and I let him have his way with me, and it was disgusting and wrong on every level.”

Buffy looked up and let out a humorless laugh. “And I kept going back to him. But now, I can’t do that anymore. I kept wishing for an excuse to not go and wallow in the gutter with him, and now I have the ultimate excuse. He’s dust thanks to you, Faith.”

“Well, yeah,” Faith said, careful about how she was going to phrase her next words, “but what I’m worried about is whether you still feel you need something to feel alive, or if you really are getting better like you look to be.”

Buffy looked Faith in the eyes and smiled. It was a real smile, too, reaching up to her eyes just like Faith’s own mouth had obliged earlier. “I think I am, Faith. Or I’m getting there, at least. Willow’s on the mend, Xander’s about to get married, those three idiots are off to jail, and I have you, Faith. B-but, I need to be clear about something. About us, Faith.”

Faith nodded. “I’m listening.”

“Well,” Buffy said, “I know how much you care for me. I didn’t want to believe it at first. I _didn’t_ believe it for a while, but I do now. You’re in love with me. And I wish I could return those feelings, but I don’t feel the same way. You’re an incredibly important part of my life. You’re more than a friend. You may even be more than family. You’re maybe the one person with whom I can truly be myself, no pretending, no putting up barriers, none of that. I don’t have to lie to you, ever, and I know you won’t ever lie to me, and that’s something I’ve never had with anyone before, and it’s strange to have it with you, but it’s there all the same.”

Sighing, Buffy looked down at her feet. “Despite all that, I don’t feel drawn to you. Not like you are to me. I may love you in a special way unique to the two of us, but I’m not _in love_ with you. And I’m sorry that I can’t return your feelings, Faith. I really am.”

Faith took Buffy’s words, endured them, treasured them, and then accepted them. Somewhere in the deepest part of her psyche, Faith had known the truth all along. But hearing it aloud… It hurt like hell, but it was also good to have that uncertainty gone for good.

Finally, Faith found the words she needed. “I get it, Buffy. But I also want you to understand something about me. You and Angel… You can’t be together for whatever reason, but you both drive each other crazy, even now that you’ve broken up. If Angel didn’t have to worry about losing his soul, if he were human, and if there was nothing in your way, you’d be at his side right away, wouldn’t you? And he’d be at yours, right?”

Buffy nodded. “That’s a lot of ‘what-ifs,’ but if somehow, the world conspired to allow us to be normal and happy together, with no strings attached, then yeah. I’d be with him if he’d have me.”

Faith smiled, and dammit, but she was being coy with her grin. “Same thing for me, B. Your feelings didn’t go away, and they never will. My feelings probably aren’t going anywhere either. Even if we can never be together the way I want… Well, you heard what I sang, and it’s about as close to the truth as I can put it. I’ve always been yours, and I always will be. Doesn’t matter if you don’t feel the same way, doesn’t matter if I can’t have what I want. I love you, Buffy, and nothing in the world is ever gonna change that.”

Looking at Buffy’s open mouth, Faith guessed that she was lost for words. Hell, Faith couldn’t blame her after what she’d just said. “So, um, B,” Faith said, hoping that changing the subject would make things easier, “I’m guessing that most everyone will be okay with Spike being gone, but I dunno about Dawn. I can be the bad guy here, since I did the deed. But I’m thinking that she might take it a bit better if you broke the news to her. If I told her, she’d probably run away and-“

“Get kidnapped? Again?” Buffy said with a smile. “I think you’re right. I’ll try to find the right time and place to tell her. What about the others?”

Faith shrugged. “Your friends, B. You should be the one.”

Buffy laughed a musical sound, and Faith was taken aback, but not quite on guard. “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit, Faith. You’ve been there for me like no one else. You’ve become a sister to Dawn. You’ve been a great friend to Tara, and you helped pull Willow back from the brink. Xander’s happy to see his best friend getting better, and Anya never had anything against you in the first place. I hate to break it to you, Faith, but you’re one of us now.”

Faith blinked once. And then again. Then she pinched herself a few times. She wasn’t dreaming. This wasn’t some strange spell at work. She really was finding herself accepted by a group of people who had once hated her like nothing else.

“Need a drink?” Buffy offered, fetching a can of beer from the fridge and handing it to Faith.

Faith smiled as she took the can from Buffy, popped the seal, and chugged the can of cool liquid in a series of desperate gulps. Finally, she put the can down on the table with a satisfied ‘ah’ escaping her lips. “Thanks, B. And I appreciate the whole ‘part of the club’ thing, save for one little thing. I’m glad that you’re all accepting me and everything, but I’m not ready to be part of a club that has Xander as a member. Not until he owns up to the song-and-dance demon and the people that it killed.”

Faith wished she could be surprised by the sad look on Buffy’s face, but alas, it was all too predictable. “Xander made a mistake-“

“No, he didn’t,” Faith shot back, her voice starting to rise along with her temper. “If Xander was just a kid, or if he was new to the whole slaying gig, then it’d be a mistake. But he’s not a kid, and he knows better. It wasn’t a mistake. It was just stupid and dangerous. Oh, and it was also _lethal,_ B! I saw the bodies. I smelled them. Burned, smoking, charred and crisped like something on a grill.”

Buffy shook her head. “Yes, he should have known better, but he didn’t mean to hurt anyone. It was an accident.”

“And Alan Finch wasn’t?”

Buffy’s face visibly paled, and Faith was glad of it. She might be head over heels for Buffy, but she wasn’t going to let her live in denial. “Let’s play back that evening,” Faith said. “You and I were hunting vampires. A guy came at us in the dark. _You_ tossed him to the ground. And you tried to stop me just before I staked him. I thought he was a vampire, but he wasn’t, and I killed him. According to my lawyers, it was involuntary manslaughter, and you were the accessory that I refused to name, which didn’t make the judge happy at all. If I hadn’t been pardoned, I would’ve been doing extra time for covering up your role in that _accident._ The same accident that had you so full of guilt that you couldn’t take it. Yeah, I screwed everything up, but that was my issue. I owned up to it, I confessed, and I was ready and _eager_ to spend the rest of my life behind bars. How _dare_ you let Xander get away with a higher body count than me just because it was an _accident?!"_

Faith hadn’t realized that she had risen to her feet. She hadn’t realized that she had backed Buffy into a chair. She hadn’t realized that she’d literally been talking down to Buffy full of fury. Then she came out of her anger-induced haze and saw the terror in Buffy’s hazel eyes. Faith hoped like hell that Buffy was scared of her own misguided logic and not the one pointing it out to her.

Suddenly very self-aware, Faith raised her arms off to the sides and took a step backwards. “Anyway… Yeah. Being accepted is nice. Having people to care for and about is nice. You’ve come a long way, B. So has Willow. Xander probably thinks he did nothing wrong since he never looked into the eyes of the people he killed. ‘The demon did it,’ he can tell himself. But the demon would never have been there if he hadn’t called it. So until he fesses up to what he did – if he even can – then I’ll be here for you, Buffy. I’ll be here for Dawn and for Willow and for Tara. But so long as that boy refuses to grow up, I’ll never be a ‘Scooby.’ No chance in hell.”

With her piece finally said, Faith decided that she and Buffy both needed some time to themselves. Before Buffy could say anything to make her think twice, Faith grabbed her house keys and hurried out the door, then started to run. When in doubt, run for a while. Don’t think, don’t let emotion in. Just run. Not away from anything, not toward anything. Just run.

Hopefully, it would calm Faith down and help her focus, just like it always did. So Faith started running at about nine o’clock in the morning.

Finally, Faith completed her run and went back home to 1630 Revello Drive. A look up at the night sky made her swear. The monsters came out at night, so she was on the clock. “No rest for the wicked,” Faith muttered to herself as she meandered over to start her patrol. “No rest for the wicked unless your name is Xander Harris.”


	23. Chapter Twenty-Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What happens if I don’t do what Faith wants?" Xander asked. "That’s what an ultimatum is, right? I do what she says, or else she does something worse. So, what’s going to happen if I don’t give into her?”

### Chapter Twenty-Three

Xander woke with a start to a pounding coming from his front door. Looking at the clock, he saw that it was almost noon, so he decided not to bother going back to sleep. Turning over on his side, he saw that the other side of the bed was empty. The pounding ceased, so Xander imagined that Anya must have gotten the door.

“An!” he shouted. “Who is it?”

“It’s Buffy,” Anya said as she moved to stand in the doorway. “Along with Willow, Tara, and Dawn. And they don’t look very happy. What have you done, Xander?”

Immediately out of bed, Xander began to dress himself as fast as he could. “I don’t know!” he protested. “Why does something need to have been done? And why do I have to be the one that did it?”

“Well, sometimes you act like a whiny little boy, Xander, and it’s entirely possible that you upset someone you shouldn’t have.”

“Are you angry with me, Anya, or are you just guessing here?”

“Just guessing. Now hurry up! Everyone’s looking all gloomy and serious, and I don’t know why, and it’s freaking me out. You know modern humans better than I do, so what does that mean?”

Xander sighed. “It means that something’s probably wrong. Something serious and possibly personal. Who did you say was here again?”

“Buffy, Willow, Tara, and Dawn.”

“And not Faith,” Xander realized. “So, I’m thinking that she’s done something stupid again, and we’re about to find out what. And I’m coming.”

Xander walked out of the bedroom and into the living area of his apartment. “Hey, gang! What’s with the doom and gloom I’m sensing here?”

“Xander,” Buffy said quietly, “please sit down. We need you to listen to us, and listen quickly. We’re on a clock.”

“Sure thing, Buffster. What’s the deal? New big bad come to town? Faith turn black hat again?”

Willow cleared her throat. Xander turned to look at her, and he didn’t like how Willow was avoiding his gaze. “Faith has… She’s issued an ultimatum. To you, Xander.”

“About what? Feeling kinda lost here, Will-“

“Shut up, Xander!” Dawn hissed angrily. “If you don’t listen, we’re _all_ in danger.”

Dammit, but Xander knew that Faith couldn’t be trusted! She’d almost fooled him, too, but now she’d had the courtesy to dispel any doubts he might have had. “So, what do I need to know?”

Buffy opened a manila folder that she’d been holding and laid out four pieces of paper on the counter for Xander to see. Each contained a photograph of a person, and each of them was a stranger to him.

“Who are these people, Buffy? And what do they have to with Faith?”

“Sally Foster, Frederick Yates, Benjamin Young, and Douglas Wright, ages 29 to 61. All died within the same 48-hour period. Cause of death was spontaneous combustion. That’s what Willow found when she went looking for their files,” Buffy said quietly. “What wasn’t listed was the real cause of death. They didn’t catch on fire and burn to death spontaneously. They were forced to sing and dance until they burned.”

Xander felt his stomach fall down some hole that had just formed in his gut. He’d known that the demon had killed people, but he’d never seen it. He’d just had a song and dance number with Anya. “What does this have to do with Faith?” he asked again. Faith had proven time and again to be an entirely unpredictable psychopath. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be good.

“F-faith’s ultimatum,” Tara said. “She wants you to turn yourself in, Xander. You can’t say it was a demon, obviously. B-but you can say that you heard something about a dangerous person of some sort. M-maybe they promised fireworks or something, and you misunderstood, and you hired them, not knowing what they’d do. But you did summon that demon, and it killed these people.”

Xander felt himself go pale. This wasn’t happening. He hadn’t killed those people. He hadn’t known what the demon was going to do. It was all a big accident. “I didn’t kill anyone, Buffy. I didn’t know what the demon was going to do! This was just a big accident!”

“You didn’t kill them? Well, maybe not directly, Xander,” Buffy said. “But without the demon, these people would still be alive. And since when do demons _not_ hurt people? With some very rare exceptions, that’s simply what they do! And up until the moment that Dawn was about to be dragged back to some hell with him, you kept quiet about the whole thing!”

Xander didn’t know what to say. “I didn’t… I mean… I didn’t think-“

“Clearly, you didn’t think,” Buffy yelled angrily, and Xander couldn’t help but feel ashamed that Buffy _and_ Willow were looking at him like something awful.

But Buffy and Willow would be the ones to deliver this message anyway. So why were Tara and Dawn here? “What happens if I don’t do what Faith wants? That’s what an ultimatum is, right? I do what she says, or else she does something worse. So, what’s going to happen if I don’t give into her?”

Tara took Willow’s hand in hers and held it tight. As far as Xander knew, they hadn’t officially hooked back up yet, so that was scary. Dawn’s face held pure terror. And Buffy… Buffy just looked sad. “If you don’t turn yourself, in Xander, then Faith’s going to go to the police and tell them the whole story, just without the demon stuff.”

Xander couldn’t help but laugh. That was it? “So, if I don’t tell the police, Faith will? And how is she going to prove anything? Why does she even care if I-“

“You don’t get it, Xander!” Dawn shouted. “You summoned the demon, but we all knew about it. Everyone in this room, plus Faith, knew what happened, and we said nothing. So if you don’t confess, then everyone is going to jail as… As… What was it called?”

“Accessories after the fact,” Willow answered, her voice just above a whisper.

Xander couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “So that’s it, then, is it? Faith wants to hurt me, so she holds all of you hostage?”

“No, Xander,” Buffy said, and he could tell that her voice wasn’t as patient as it had been a moment ago. “You heard what Dawn said. Everyone in this room _plus Faith_ knew what you did. If you don’t confess, then it isn’t just you who goes to jail. So does Anya. So do I. So do Willow and Tara. So does Faith. And Dawn probably gets taken away to live in a foster home.”

“What?!” Anya exclaimed. “But I haven’t done anything! I haven’t hurt anyone! I’m just a small business owner living the American Dream! Why do I have to pay for Xander’s mistakes?”

“Because all of us enabled him,” Willow said, and Xander had to look away. His best friend for his entire life was calling him out for a stupid mistake and making it out to be something worse. “We knew what he had done, but we were so full of ourselves. We thought that because we were the ones who fought the monsters at night that we didn’t have to play by the rules. We thought we knew better than everyone else. And people got hurt because we thought that we could play God.”

Xander might like to think of himself as better than most, but he wasn’t quite that egocentric. “Will… You know me better than that. I’m no god. I’m nothing close to that.”

Tara nodded. “She knows, Xander. She knows,” Tara said as she held Willow in a close embrace. _So that’s what that’s about. Will’s still hung up over what she did to Tara._

Buffy moved to sit down next to Xander. “Let me put things in perspective for you. Faith has been in love with me from the moment she first heard a story about me from her watcher. She’s been entirely honest with me since I got back. I’ve been able to trust her with things I can’t tell anyone else, and she’s been able to do the same with me. I think that when the monks made Dawn, a bit of Faith got mixed up in there as well. Faith feels the same natural urge to protect Dawn that I feel. She loves us both like the family she’s never had until now.

“And if you don’t confess to the police by sunrise tomorrow, then the first thing Faith does after she wakes up is run to the station as fast as she can to tell them what you did, and that she and I and Dawn all helped to cover for you. She’s not afraid at all of facing the consequences. Not only is she not afraid, but she thinks it’s the right thing to do.”

“I-it is.”

Xander looked up at that. “Willow?”

His best friend looked at him with tears about to spill from her eyes. “It’s the right thing to do, Xander. Faith went to work for the Mayor because she couldn’t handle the guilt of what she did.”

Xander nodded. “What she did. You mean the deputy mayor? She killed him, right?”

“Yes,” Buffy said. “By accident. And with my help. I don’t want to sound like I’m taking sides, Xander, because it’s not about that. But if there’s the slightest chance that I can keep Dawn from being taken away… If you don’t confess, I have to try and get a plea deal. For Dawn’s sake.”

“I may confess as an accessory either way,” Willow said.

Tara’s head snapped to look at Willow, tears evident in her eyes. “Baby?”

“I screwed up, Tara. I hurt you, and Buffy, and Dawn. I messed up so much, and if there’s even a chance to make it a little bit right… I don’t know. I didn’t summon the demon, and maybe I’m just feeling super-guilty about everything else. B-but I know that I can’t just forget this.”

Xander couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “So that’s it?” he said, his voice dripping with dark incredulity. “Faith barks, and you all jump, right? Anything to screw me over like she did before, and you’re just gonna let her?!”

“Xander!” Buffy shouted. “This isn’t about you! This is about Sally Foster, Frederick Yates, Benjamin Young, Douglas Wright, and the spouses, parents, children, and friends who are missing their loved ones. And they’re under the impression that the people they loved died of natural causes. But they didn’t. They deserve justice, Xander, and only you can give it to them.”

There was no way to answer that, Xander realized. Not without admitting to things that he didn’t believe. That he simply _couldn’t_ believe. He wasn’t a killer. He wasn’t like Faith.

Someone took his hand, and Xander looked up to see Dawn. “You risked your life to keep me safe from Glory so many times. You stood up and told the demon the truth – that you summoned him – to keep him from taking me to hell. And while you did summon the demon that killed these people, you really didn’t mean to hurt anyone, and I think that really matters in lawyer-speak.

“You were willing to risk literal Hell to save me, Xander. Is jail so much worse than that?”

And all of a sudden, there it was, in terms so plain and simple that Xander couldn’t help but understand. “God, I’ve been such an idiot.”

“Yeah, you’ve been a bit of a dummy,” Dawn said with a smile. “But you don’t have to stay a dummy.”

Xander thought for a moment, took a deep breath, and then stood up and looked his fiancée in the eye. “Anya, you’ve always told me that I needed to grow up sooner or later. I think it’s about time I listened to you.”

“No,” Anya said quietly. “No, not like this! If you go to jail, then I’ll be all alone! One job won’t be enough to pay for a place this nice! And we won’t be able to have all those nice orgasms together, or wake up in the middle of the night, feel each other, and know that we’re not alone. And that’s what I’ll be! A lone human in a world full of lonely humans with no clue about what to do next and nobody sleeping with me to help me figure it out!”

Xander just smiled and wiped a tear from Anya’s cheek. “That’s what friends are for, An.” Turning around to face the others, he said, “That _is_ what friends are for, right?”

Buffy nodded. “Of course. Faith is loaded with cash, and even if she won’t lend you a hand, then I will. I can afford to do that now, strangely enough. A-and I’ll try to get you as good a lawyer as possible, Xander. Shortest possible sentence, you know?”

Willow started to smile a bit. “A-and, I think I can help with the loneliness, Anya! Before I met Oz, I used to have a huge crush on Xander. But, as you seem to have realized, he can be a bit of a dummy. So, while it isn’t the same as sex, there were orgasms to be by oneself.”

“You can do that?” Anya asked. “How?”

“Well,” Willow said. “You’ll want a nice internet connection. A-and you’ll need a few other pieces of, uh… Hardware, I guess.”

“This all sounds very complicated,” Anya said, sounding unsure.

“Well, I can help you get it set up!” Willow said. “And if you’re not sure if you’re doing it right, then I can watch you to make sure you don’t fumble along the way!”

“Willow,” Tara warned with her voice, but laughed with her face.

“A-and Tara can help too! We can both watch and ogle… I mean, help! Help you figure out how to have nice, Xander-free orgasms until he gets out, and then you can have your orgasms together again.”

“Down, Willow,” Buffy said with a smile. “I know this isn’t exactly best-case scenario, Xander. But I really do think it’s the right thing to do.”

“Yeah, I get that Buffy,” Xander said, and he realized that he meant it. “And I think it’s the right thing, too. I just… God, I really am such an idiot, aren’t I?”

Xander soon found himself in a group hug with Willow and Buffy. “Welcome to humanity, Xander.”

“What about me?” Anya protested in a huff.

Xander wrapped Anya around her shoulders with one arm and wrangled her into the hug. “Welcome to humanity, Anya. It’s hard, and it’s stupid, and it’s every day.”

Anya looked uncomfortable. “I’m not sure I’m sold on humanity.”

“You gave me a chance, didn’t you An?” Xander said. “There’s an old saying. ‘To err is human, to forgive is divine.’ Going by that, I’m about as human as they come.”

“I don’t think that’s humanity, Xander,” Buffy said. “I think it’s just life.”

“I guess you were right, Buffy,” Dawn said. “The hardest thing in this world really is just living in it.”


	24. Chapter Twenty-Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Out of town,” Willow said. “Not from Sunnydale, but spent a bit of time here a couple of years ago. I don’t know if you remember him, but you did stuff, and it hurt Buffy maybe more than anything else you did during the body swap. I can only imagine what it did to him.”
> 
> And then it clicked, and Faith swore under her breath. “Riley.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING:** This chapter contains discussion of sexual assault and rape. No such things are depicted as happening in the events of this chapter itself, but the subject is discussed as a serious matter.

### Chapter Twenty-Four

Things had been more than a little awkward after the resolution of Faith’s ultimatum. None of Xander’s friends were exactly happy that he was in jail, and the reality of not having their friend around became harder to bear when it wasn’t just hypothetical anymore. Faith herself was confident that she had done the right thing, but that didn’t stop her from hating herself for doing it. It was an impossible situation that she had put everyone in, and if she was being honest with herself, it was more than a little petty of her.

In the end, whenever she began to seriously question whether or not she had done the right thing, she always ended up at the same spot. A dark alley at night about three years ago, when she’d accidentally killed Allan Finch. Buffy had shown up at her motel room the next morning to try to get her to open up about it, and Faith had told Buffy that she just didn’t care that she had just killed a man. It was one of the biggest lies she’d ever told, and she’d told it mostly to fool herself. She wanted to have an excuse to not feel the guilt and the self-loathing that had been welling up inside of her.

Seeing Xander Harris going about his life, not caring in truth about what he had done… It tore Faith up inside. Yes, he hadn’t done the deed directly, and he hadn’t seen, felt, and smelled the bodies, but he still should have felt some sense of regret. Maybe Faith felt that she deserved to be held to the same standards as the rest of Buffy’s friends, or vice versa.

Whatever the truth, nobody was particularly happy with Faith for the weeks immediately afterwards. Anya was obviously the most upset, and she had decided to bar Faith from using the Magic Box’s back room to train in. It was really the only piece of leverage she had, and Faith couldn’t blame her. Thankfully, she could afford a gym membership now.

Dawn had also been really pissed with her, but her case was more of a kid sister being angry over a really serious decision that had to be made. They lived together in the same house, and sometimes Dawn forgot how angry she felt she was supposed to be at Faith, only to remember at the strangest time, usually in the wake of some other minor argument.

Willow had surprised Faith and hadn’t been very angry at her, though she had made it clear that while they were in agreement on this, she didn’t like the feeling of herself and all of her closest friends being held captive like that. Faith suspected that Willow’s anger was being held at bay thanks to her renewed relationship with Tara. The two of them had been seeing each other in random, stolen moments, and the confrontation with Xander had served as a catalyst to finally bring them back together, mostly by showing them both that Willow really had learned from her mistakes.

As for Buffy, Faith still found her hard to read sometimes, but her sister slayer had barely even brought the matter up, save to say that she was going to pay Xander a visit at any given time during visiting hours. Whenever Faith tried to apologize, Buffy shushed her and changed the subject. She couldn’t tell if Buffy was angry or sad or in denial or if she didn’t even care. Whatever the case, she didn’t seem to want any bad feelings between herself and Faith.

As for the man himself, Buffy had gotten Xander a good lawyer, and with the confession that he’d ‘pulled a prank’ that had inadvertently gotten a ‘killer for hire’ to stage four deaths to look like spontaneous combustion… Well, being both indirect and unintentional counted for a lot in court, apparently. Four counts of involuntary manslaughter had been the eventual charge, with each count requiring two to four years in jail, but Xander would probably be out a lot sooner on good behavior. He wasn’t a mean guy at all, just a bit stupid sometimes.

A few more months passed and Dawn stopped being quite as irritable, though Anya knew how to hold a grudge. Sunnydale was still home to the Hellmouth, and there were inevitably vampires and other demons to slay, though thankfully no outright apocalypses that had to be stopped. All in all, but the time spring came around, things were looking up.

It was a Friday night, and Faith was at the Bronze, alternating between seductress on the dance floor and warmer of a barstool. Whatever she was doing at the Bronze was all an act, however. Gone were the days when Faith could dance with Buffy after a night of slaying together and trick herself into believing that there was more between them than there ever could be. No, Faith was here as the Slayer. It was a Friday, kids were staying up late, and a vampire wouldn’t find it hard to lure someone out back to feed.

Memories of Faith’s first meeting with Buffy came flowing back to her. Faith had been out on the dance floor in pants so tacky that she wouldn’t have bothered with them if she hadn’t needed clean clothes. That, and she’d long since moved on from whichever place she’d stolen them from. The vamp had been so obvious about what he was, and Faith was all too happy to let him believe he’d found easy prey.

Before she could even finish the job, Buffy and her friends had already come out to help who they thought was just another damsel in distress. Faith remembered realizing for the first time that she was looking at Buffy Summers, the hero she’d fallen in love with before ever meeting her, and she’d ended up saving her life. In her haste to flee from Kakistos, Faith hadn’t even managed to find a stake she could keep on her person. Buffy was prepared, of course, so Faith had borrowed the stake, killed the vamp, and went on to finally meet the woman of her dreams.

Things had gotten so much more complicated, and they’d all made mistakes from the small to the terrible, and here they were now. Three years and change later, and Faith was back here at the Bronze on her own to give Buffy and the Scoobies some space. Part of Faith felt bad about doing what she did in order to get Xander to confess, but another part of her whispered that if she hadn’t issued her ultimatum, then nothing would have changed. Faith didn’t like it when those little voices told her to accept something she didn’t like, but this one voice made a lot of sense.

No vampires or other demons seemed to be haunting the club so far, but something caught Faith’s attention. Turning towards the entrance, she saw Willow showing the bouncer her ID before walking over to where Faith was seated at the bar. Faith tried not to break eye contact, but something didn’t feel right. The two of them had gotten on better ever since Willow’s recovery, but they still weren’t the closest of companions. It was usually Buffy or Dawn who came to Faith if something needed to be said. Or barring them, then Tara.

Faith turned to face Willow as the witch sat on the stool next to her. “What’s up, Red?” she asked carefully, not wanting to invite any wrath – magical or otherwise – upon herself.

For her part, Willow didn’t look hostile, but her face wasn’t exactly soft, either. “Hey, Faith,” she said a tad meekly, just barely loud enough to be heard over the din of the crowd. “So, um… Buffy’s out on patrol. Well, not quite patrol, but something came up. Something specific, and she left to deal with it. Tara’s back at the house with Dawn, so she’s safe. But, Buffy wanted you to be at the house when she gets back.”

Faith thought she heard all of what Willow was saying, but with the enhanced hearing that came with being a Slayer, she was picking up on every little thing in the Bronze. “It’s a bit hard to hear you, Red,” Faith said.

Willow looked around, then closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Over the span of a few seconds, the din of noise began to soften until it was just audible enough to pick out anything that might go wrong, but soft enough that most of the noise was just gone. Opening her eyes, Willow looked to Faith with a scared look on her face. “Is… Is this better?”

Then it hit Faith. Willow had just used magic, maybe for the first time since the accident with Dawn. “Much better. And kudos to you, Willow. You kept it under control, didn’t go off the deep end. I don’t know how many spells you’ve done since, well, you know. But I remember when I was going through some tough times. I told Angel that I didn’t know if I’d make it through the next few minutes. He just told me to worry about the next few seconds. And then the few seconds after that. And again. Baby steps, you know? And even if it looks like a baby step to everyone else, it’s a big deal for you. I mean, it was for me, so… God, I’m no good at this. Just, you did good, Willow. You’re _doing_ good, you hear me?”

Willow nodded a bit quickly, then held her head as if the sudden head motion had made her dizzy. Or was it the magic? “Yeah. I hear you. A-and thanks for saying that. It helps to hear that from someone who’s been there. I mean, not exactly the same place, but trying to get back on the right path. And that’s both of us. Still trying, I mean. And that’s why Buffy wants you back at the house before she gets home.”

Faith nodded. “This sounds like a big deal of some kind. Mind filling me in?”

Willow nodded her head again, just once and slowly this time. “Someone came to visit Buffy while you’ve been out here at the Bronze. They’re hunting down some sort of demon that breeds really quickly, trying to prevent an infestation that could kill the whole town if it isn’t nipped in the bud.”

Faith thought she understood. “Killer tribbles, got it. And someone from outta town is helping B with this? Or is this someone in Sunnydale who just dropped by because they had a lead or something?”

“Out of town,” Willow said. “Not from Sunnydale, but spent a bit of time here a couple of years ago. I don’t know if you remember him, but you did stuff, and it hurt Buffy maybe more than anything else you did during the body swap. I can only imagine what it did to him.”

And then it clicked, and Faith swore under her breath. “Riley.” Faith could have sworn her voice quivered as she said the name. Once upon a time, she would’ve knocked the crap out of anyone who looked at her if she ever showed such a sign of vulnerability, but those days were mostly gone. And for this particular case, she knew she’d screwed up big time. The only thing worse that she’d done had been killing Lester Worth, who’d been the unlucky innocent man in the Mayor’s way that Faith had been dispatched to kill. Alan Finch, despite Faith killing him, had been an accident.

When Faith had been in control of Buffy’s body, she’d mostly just pretended to be Buffy in innocent ways. Checking in with her friends, partying here at the Bronze, and then booking a plane ticket out of the country so that she’d be able to start with a clean slate. Only she hadn’t just done simple, innocent things. She’d met Tara for the first time, and it was Tara’s first time seeing Buffy’s body, and Faith had given far from the best first impression. Thankfully, the blonde witch had seen through the act, and she’d gotten along plenty well with Buffy from then on.

No, the worst of it was when Faith had decided that so long as she was ‘being’ Buffy, she’d felt entitled to treat herself to everything that Buffy had, and that included her boyfriend. His name was Riley – Faith never picked up on his last name – and he’d been a big guy, all muscle. Some kind of soldier, if Faith remembered correctly. Demon-hunting soldier, was it? Didn’t matter. Faith had taken the opportunity to have sex with him, only it didn’t go as planned. Buffy had it incredibly lucky, as Faith found out when he made love to her, thinking that she was Buffy.

Sex was something that Faith was intimately familiar with. Growing up, it had been expected of her, and she’d been forced to become an expert in pleasing people, and she’d eventually grown to enjoy the moments when she’d had some semblance of control. Her abuser – she refused to call him anything else now – had forced his way on top of her, but when she’d been pimped out, Faith always made sure that she was the one on top, that she was the one in control. For so long, it had been the only measure of control that she knew of, and she vowed that she’d never let anyone else take that control away from her ever again.

And then Faith had gone to see Buffy’s boyfriend and tried to have her way with him, only to find something alien there. He’d been loving and soft and caring. Every gesture, every touch… It was clear that he truly loved Buffy, and he didn’t have any intention of ‘playing,’ as Faith had intended. No, he’d made love to Faith, and somehow, Faith had found herself allowing him on top of her. And then he’d said those three terribly important words to Faith that had been intended for Buffy.

Faith had raped them both. Buffy and Riley, Faith had used one’s body to have fun with the other, only it hadn’t been fun. It had freaked her out more than she’d care to admit. “So, Riley’s back,” Faith said eventually, after processing all that it meant. “How’s Buffy handling it? Did they, um… Did they break up or something? Or did he leave after she died?”

“He left beforehand. He was kinda freaked,” Willow said. “He wasn’t sure if he was able to handle little old Buffy being stronger than him, or that’s the vibe I got. He didn’t think that Buffy loved him the way that he loved her, and I don’t know enough to say one way or another if that’s the case or not, but that doesn’t really matter right now, Faith. What matters is that there’s this big elephant in the room, and it’s rampaging around, making a mess, and you’re the only one who can stop the rampaging elephant. Which doesn’t make much sense, since elephants are really sweet and gentle, but you know what I’m trying to say, right?”

“I got it, Red, yeah. So, don’t take this the wrong way, and this isn’t me trying to make any excuses, but tonight was supposed to be an off night for B, and I promised her that I’d look out here at the Bronze. I wanna make things right, I do. But if a vamp shows up here-“

“I’ll cover for you, Faith.”

The brunette slayer looked at Willow and saw that she looked scared. “Are you sure? That one spell to help us hear each other made you kinda shaky, and you look more than a little scared right now. If you tell me that I can trust you, then I will, but you gotta mean it, okay?”

“I get it,” Willow confirmed. “And, I’m not gonna lie and pretend that it doesn’t scare me, that I might lose control if I do one small thing wrong. But after all you’ve done for me, and not to mention everything you’ve done for Buffy and Dawn…” Willow took a deep breath. “And you were there for Tara when I couldn’t be. I like to think we might be close to getting back together, and I don’t know if that’d be possible if not for you, Faith. So, for your sake, I’ll make myself ready tonight. I’ll handle any nasties here at the Bronze so that you can handle the nasties of your past. And judging by the look I saw on _your_ face when I mentioned Riley’s name, I’d say you’re just about as freaked as I am.”

Faith had to laugh at that. “Maybe so. All right. Time to face the music. Only figuratively this time, I hope.”

* * *

Faith had tried to make her way back home as quick as she could, but the night had been unlucky in that regard. Passing the park on the way back from the Bronze, Faith had come across a few garden variety vampires. Not very old, but not fresh out of the grave, either. After allowing their victims to get away, Faith had fought them off, but it took longer than she’d have liked, and she took more hits than she’d have liked as well. By the time the last of the five vampires had been dusted, Faith was exhausted from a thirty-minute fight that by all rights should have been over in thirty seconds.

Faith told herself that it was because she was distracted, and for once, she didn’t think she was lying to herself to make an excuse. What was waiting for her back home was far scarier than a few ordinary vampires. So it was that at about 9:45 in the evening, Faith unlocked the front door of 1630 Revello Drive and stepped inside.

Buffy and Riley were already there in the living area, and their heads both turned to face Faith as she entered. _Dammit! I was supposed to be here first. Well, this is gonna hurt no matter what. Just do what you have to do._ “Sorry. Ran into some vamps on the way back. Took longer than expected. My brain was more here than in the fight, I guess. Not an excuse, just letting you know why I’m late.”

Faith racked her brain for what to say, and she was coming up near empty. “So, I’ve done a lot of awful things, but aside from killing an innocent guy, what I did to both of you… That’s the worst thing I’ve ever done. And if I could go back in time and stop myself from being such a bitch, I would do it. But I can’t. I can only say that I’m sorry, and I know that’s not enough, and it never will be. I really don’t know what else to say, so I guess if you want to unload on me, or beat the crap out of me, or whatever else you feel I deserve, then all right. I don’t know if I can ever give you justice for what I did, but if you want payback, then I can let you have that. You deserve that much. Unless you still need to kill that demon, I guess, in which case I’ll just wait here until that’s done.”

Faith tried her best to maintain eye contact, but she couldn’t look at either of them right now, so Faith looked at her own two feet. It was stupid, and she was a coward, but that’s how it was. Sometimes, things just sucked, and there was nothing you could do about it. Faith had learned that the hard way, and she was still learning it. It never made things any easier.

It felt like forever before someone spoke. “Sit down, Faith.” It was Riley’s voice. Faith didn’t really remember what he sounded like, but he was the only guy in the room, and his words definitely sounded like a military commander speaking to someone down the food chain. Faith obeyed and found the nearest chair to park her rear and sat down. Despite being afraid, she forced herself to look up at Riley’s face. He and Buffy were both standing up, and Faith felt like she was back in the defendant’s chair when she’d confessed in that courtroom. _Time to be judged again._

Riley just looked Faith in the eyes for a while, not saying anything. Faith had already said her piece, and she didn’t trust herself to say anything else. Whatever Riley was thinking, his face didn’t give anything away. But his eyes… He was analyzing Faith, she could tell. He was looking her over and studying her before passing judgment. Faith wasn’t sure if she should be grateful that he was even considering her or if she just wanted him to condemn her and get it over with.

“You’ve changed, Faith,” Riley said at last. “At least, according to Buffy, you have. Even without her word for it, you’re not the same woman who came onto me two years ago. As for what it is you did to me – to both of us – back then… I’d be lying if I said I was happy about it. For so long after you left, I was furious. After everything the Initiative had done to me, finding out that someone had used my girlfriend to violate us both? Well, that was just the cherry on top of a really nasty sundae.

“But for all that I hated you for what you’d done to us, Faith, I hated myself even more. The way you acted in Buffy’s body… I knew something was wrong. You weren’t acting like Buffy. I knew that magic was a thing that had to be accounted for. I’d felt its effects, and if I had been thinking clearly, I would have insisted that you be checked out, or that you go back to your friends to make sure there wasn’t some spell on you. But I didn’t do any of those things. I let myself be deceived. To be clear, I’m not excusing what you did, because, wow! What you did was seriously wrong, Faith. Thankfully, you seem to understand that now. And we can talk all we want. The demon is dead, and the eggs are destroyed.”

Faith nodded. “That’s good. The demons being dead, I mean. And you’re right. I messed up. No, that’s not right. ‘Messing up’ is what happens when you make a simple mistake. What I did was just plain wrong, no two ways about it. Nothing’s ever gonna change that.”

“The past is the past, Faith,” Riley said, his voice sounding less tense than it had a moment ago. “You’re right. It can’t be changed, no matter what. Growing up in Iowa, everything was simple. I was from a good Christian family that had simple values. Everything was clear cut. Good was good and evil was evil, and the lines separating them were stark as night and day. When I joined the army, I met new people, and not all of them held the same religious values that I grew up with. They were all good people, but part of me took a while to recognize that other views could be just as sound without invalidating how I felt.

“And then I joined the Initiative, and it was back to black and white. Humans on one side, demons on the other. Then I met Buffy, and things weren’t so simple anymore. Humans couldn’t always be trusted. Demons weren’t necessarily the worst things out there. And I confess, for a long time, part of me thought that after Adam, that you were the worst monster I had ever encountered, Faith.”

Faith felt each of his words like a blow to the gut, and it was all the worse because it was all said without any sort of malice or anger. Just simple facts being put out there for all to see. There was no use defending against reality, so Faith stayed silent and waited for Riley to continue.

“It wasn’t until after everything with Adam finished up that Buffy and I finally talked about what happened when she went to Los Angeles to hunt you down,” Riley said, and Faith was surprised at his choice of words. Yes, Buffy had gone to hunt down Faith, but she hadn’t expected to hear it that way from Riley’s lips to her ears.

“When she told me about everything that had happened between you two, gave me the full history after she’d had some time to cool down, I realized that while you’d definitely done wrong by us, you were yourself just a soul in terrible pain who didn’t really know how to handle her problems any other way. I like to think of myself as a devout Christian, and the Bible teaches us to forgive those who wrong us. Even after hearing the full story, I confess that I found it hard to do so. It’s easy to preach something, but practicing it when the chips are down is rarely as easy as we’d like it to be. Then again, faith is easy to have when it isn’t put to the test. No pun intended.”

“Didn’t think so,” Faith replied, but inwardly, she was freaking out for a different reason. Talk of forgiveness wasn’t something that Faith had been expecting, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to accept it.

“When I heard you were in jail, I thought that it was right. That you were paying for your sins. You were strong enough to break out anytime you wanted, but as far as I know, you never did, so that alone made me rethink things. But then Buffy and broke up, and I was shipped out elsewhere, and I didn’t give you another thought for a long while. And then I came back to get Buffy’s help, and she told me that you had been helping her here, and I was forced to confront all of those feelings again.

“I don’t know everything that’s happened since I was gone, but from what little I’ve gathered, Buffy’s had a rough time of things, and you’ve been helping her through it. The way she puts it, you’ve been a rock in her life. Something to cling to in order to steady herself when the rest of the world is a storm. And Buffy and I may not ever be what we once were, but I still care a great deal for her, and you helping her, it means a lot.”

“She deserves it,” Faith said, and now she did look up at Riley, a sad smile on her face. “You’re not the only one who’s ever loved her, you know?”

Riley actually smiled at that. “'And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.’ Again, no pun intended. I don’t know if I’ve reached a personal space where I’m able to entirely forgive what you did, but that’s a reflection on my own imperfect humanity, not yours. From what I’ve gathered, you’ve been doing a lot to make up for what you’ve done, and you’re doing so out of love. Love takes many forms, and if even one bit of that is helping you to be a better person, then I’ll pray for you, Faith. And I’ll pray that one day, I’ll have the strength to forgive you. I like to think I’m on my way, but it’s a journey.”

Riley took a deep breath and turned to look at Buffy. “I think I’ve said all I need to say. But I wasn’t the only one wronged, Buffy. Do you have anything to add?”

Faith looked to the woman she loved with terror in her eyes, and despite all the good that had come to bind the two Slayers together, Faith was still afraid.

Finally, Buffy spoke. “Faith and I have a lot of history. I know you don’t want to hear this, Riley, but what she did to us… I can’t lie and say that it didn’t bother me, and that I didn’t think I’d ever forgive her. But that was once upon a time. A lot has happened, and I’m not comfortable sharing all of it. But after everything that’s happened, Faith is part of my family now. And family forgives. We don’t forget, but we forgive, and we learn, and we move forward. And that’s all we can really do now. Move forward, that is. But regardless of whether you forgive Faith or not, and regardless of whether I forgive you or not, Faith – and I do – there’s one more person who you need to seek forgiveness from. And I really, really hope you’re able to find it.”

Faith wiped tears away from her eyes. “Damn, B. I know I’ve done so much bad stuff, and I want to make it right. Point me to whoever I did wrong by, and I’ll get on my knees and beg if that’s what it takes.”

Buffy smiled, and Faith saw both warmth and sadness there. “It’s not that simple, Faith. In the end, the only way you’ll ever really feel complete is if you’re able to forgive yourself.”

“It’s not easy,” Riley said. “I still haven’t forgiven myself for not seeing that you weren’t Buffy that night. So many nights, I lie awake, wondering if I couldn’t have helped if I’d just been a bit smarter, if I’d acted on my instincts instead of dismissing them. Asking forgiveness of other people is hard, since you don’t know how they’ll respond. Asking forgiveness from God is probably different for everyone. But asking forgiveness from oneself is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and I’m still struggling with it. If nothing else, don’t think less of yourself if you have trouble with that. We’re each of us only human, after all.”

“Only human…” Faith pondered the notion. Once upon a time, she’d thought of herself as better than human. Better than everyone else around her save for Buffy. They were Slayers. They’d been Chosen to save the world, and that made them better. Oh, how stupid she’d been. And of course, she couldn’t have expected Riley to forgive her. But the notion that it was his fault for not being able to forgive, that was something that didn’t sit right with Faith, but the boy seemed so sincere that she didn’t dare try to refute him.

“I’m… Do you need to tell me anything else? I don’t wanna chicken out, but I think I need to just, y’know… Sit and think about all of this. And Willow! Willow’s watching the Bronze while we’re here. She said she’d make herself ready and able to handle it, but if you could check on her, B?”

“Of course,” Buffy said. “That’s my cue to split, Riley. And I believe you have a wonderful wife waiting for you to get done talking about your past and start looking forward to your future.”

“I do,” Riley said with a smile. “Buffy, Faith… Good luck to you both. I can’t say this has been pleasant, but it needed to happen, and I’m glad we had the chance to talk about this. One day, I don’t know when, maybe I’ll come by again. Maybe when we’ve both made a bit of progress, Faith?”

_Why is he treating himself like he needs to get better like I do? He didn’t screw everything up!_ Faith didn’t understand him, but she just nodded. “Yeah, sure.” That was all she could muster, so Faith stood up, turned on her heel and walked upstairs as quickly as she could, moved to her room, and collapsed on her bed.

Faith didn’t bother changing out of her day clothes before tucking herself into bed. Maybe one day, she’d be able to fool herself into believing that she deserved forgiveness. Maybe one day, she truly would forgive herself, however much she doubted it.

One day, maybe. But not today.


	25. Chapter Twenty-Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raising a glass of champagne, Faith made a toasting gesture. “To humanity. It’s messy and painful, but it’s what we are, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

### Chapter Twenty-Five

Strangely enough for Sunnydale, the summer months came and went without any sort of world-ending disaster, or even a localized Sunnydale-ending disaster. The only dilemmas that needed to be faced were of a more personal variety, and on that front, there were still a number of battles to be fought. Small battles in the grand scheme of things, but necessary battles all the same.

Xander refused to see Faith when she tried to visit him, but through Buffy and Willow, Faith managed to convince Xander that as long as he was in prison, that he should accept whatever therapy was offered or mandated. Faith had once thought that therapists were just shrinks that made money off of talking about feelings, but there was a lot more to it than that. And from what Faith heard, the man-child was starting to lose some of his childishness and come to terms with his insecurities.

It had been to Faith’s great surprise when one day, at the Magic Box, Anya had actually gone out of her way to thank Faith for getting Xander to focus on therapy. He’d apparently had a lot of hidden doubts about his supposedly wonderful plan to marry Anya, but he was facing those fears, and he might even be overcoming them. Anya still wasn’t happy that she’d been deprived of her lover, but she was starting to act a bit kinder to Faith out of anticipation of a better relationship when Xander was once again a free man.

By the time his day in court had come, Buffy had made sure to get her friend a good lawyer, and with the help of some classy attorneys, Xander's plea was successfully reduced to _accessory_ to involuntary manslaughter. In Faith’s opinion, such a defense was Xander getting off easy, but if he learned anything from it, then that would be what mattered. And instead of eight to sixteen years in prison, his sentence had been three to eight years, with good behavior allowing for parole after one year.

Faith was of mixed opinions. On the one hand, she felt cheated. On the other hand, she had to keep reminding herself that her personal feelings weren’t the issue, but rather what Xander took away from it all. If he learned even a sliver of what Faith herself had come to learn, then it would be worth it.

Faith thought back to the night where she’d had to confront Riley and all that she’d done to him. The notion that she had to forgive herself still weighed heavily on her, but the acceptance that most everyone was showing her was going a long way. She could never forget all the bad that she’d done, but now she had people in her life worth living for, and these people accepted her for who she was. There were moments, when her guard was down, that Faith felt truly content in her own skin. They didn’t last long, and it took a long time before Faith decided that it wasn’t wrong to feel that way. Now she looked forward to the day when such feelings were normal.

Going back to that night, Faith remembered how worried Willow had been about having to use her power, and what that would mean. As it turned out, Willow had needed to dust a vampire, and she’d used a bit of magic to create a spark of fire that was enough to burn the vampire to dust. Having been lying awake that night, Faith had heard Willow come home and run to Tara for comfort, and she’d heard the fear in Willow’s voice that she’d messed up.

Faith smiled at the memory. Tara had naturally understood that Willow showed a tremendous amount of restraint and had only done the bare minimum needed to get the job done. One day, she might be comfortable with doing more than the bare minimum, but learning control and discipline had been the important thing, and Willow had managed that. Not minutes after that and Faith was happy to use her enhanced hearing to know that the two witches were getting along again, to say the least. The sounds of their lovemaking helped lull Faith to sleep that night.

Soon enough, Tara had moved back in, and Dawn was ecstatic that her favorite couple was back together. And speaking of Dawn, the DNA tests had come back and proven something entirely unexpected. The way Faith understood it, men had an X chromosome and Y chromosome, and women had two X chromosomes. A kid got one from each parent, and the combination determined if it was a boy or a girl. What threw Faith for a loop was that Dawn’s two X chromosomes did not come from Joyce and Hank Summers. No, they came from Buffy Summers and Faith Lehane.

That had been a huge dose of cold water for everyone, but Dawn had quickly decided that the genetics didn’t matter one bit. What mattered was what they all felt about each other, and Dawn felt that Buffy and Faith were her two older sisters, and that anyone who tried to argue with her was going to learn just how futile it was to argue with a teenage girl who had made up her mind. Strangely enough, Dawn’s kid-like attitude made it all easier to accept for Faith. Screw the science, Faith decided quickly enough. Dawn was Buffy’s kid sister, and if the brat decided that Faith was good enough to also qualify, then Faith would do everything in her power to be the best damned sister she could, even if she didn’t know what that meant just yet.

Going back again to the night where Riley had come to town, someone called ‘The Doctor’ had been trying to make money off of the killer tribble demons, but Buffy and Riley had caught him. It turned out that it was some kid who had once upon a time decided to sic a bunch of hell hounds on Buffy’s prom, and his brother was one of the idiots who had tried to rob the bank all those months ago. He’d called himself ‘The Doctor’ after some sort of sci-fi character who traveled through time and space. From what Willow had told her, Faith decided that Tucker Wells had taken the pacifistic Time Lord and decided to take a dump on his good name. He was off in some military prison due to Riley being the one to take him in. Buffy had asked him and his people to keep an eye on the three idiots who were currently in jail in case they ever tried anything again, and Riley had assured Buffy that they’d be quietly put under surveillance.

Since that day, however, everything had not only settled down, but had gotten downright pleasant, save for one awful night where Faith had had a nightmare that might have been a Slayer dream. She’d dreamed that some ancient, primordial evil was trying to make sure that there would never be another Slayer ever again. There had been a freakishly strong Catholic priest, only the things he preached were how dirty and sinful women were, and he’d gouged out Xander’s left eye. There had been a huge battle in the Hellmouth itself, and then there’d been a ton of Slayers, and then all of Sunnydale had been swallowed up into a crater.

And then, it started to rain shredded mozzarella for some reason, and a weird-looking guy in a suit smiled at Faith and said, “Oh, don’t worry. This is the cheesy timeline. Your own looks to be far lighter in cholesterol.” And then she’d woken up. When she’d shared her dream with Buffy, she’d sounded far more freaked out by the cheese guy than the rest of it, but they decided that there was nothing to worry about in the long run.

Aside from that one awful dream, things were starting to level off. Buffy had re-enrolled at UC Sunnydale, and Willow and Tara were comfortable taking classes together again, in addition to other, more intimate gatherings. Dawn was moaning and groaning about her own classes, but Willow was often on hand to help tutor her about things that Faith knew nothing about. Meanwhile, after a lot of convincing from both Dawn and Faith, Buffy had agreed to start training Dawn in self-defense. She’d never be a Slayer, but neither was Xander, and before she’d learned magic, Willow hadn’t had any special abilities either. This was still Sunnydale, home of the Hellmouth, and Dawn needed to know how to defend herself.

Practicing with Dawn gave Faith some of her happiest memories, and she thought of Diana and Giles, her two Watchers, and hoped they’d be proud of her. She still wasn’t happy that Giles had left Buffy when he did, but for her part, Buffy seemed to be getting better. It was slow, and the changes were slight and came at the strangest times, but Faith was starting to see Buffy grow more comfortable in the world she was living in.

Time rushed by, and before anyone knew it, Xander’s parole had come up thanks to good behavior, and he and Anya had decided (after a lot of convincing on Xander’s part) for them to get married right at the courthouse, as soon as Xander was released from his sentence. Anya had wanted a larger, fancier party, but Xander had decided to put his foot down and say that his own family was not one that he was comfortable with, and that his real family were the friends he had in Sunnydale. Given the way Anya sounded when she’d told them about the plan, it sounded like it had taken a lot for Xander to fess up to that fact about himself.

Faith was surprised to be invited to the impromptu ceremony, but she showed up all the same. She wore a black dress that was more modest than what she might have chosen years ago, but Anya was all done up in her white wedding dress, and they’d rented a tuxedo for Xander to change into after he got out. A county clerk performed the simple, secular ceremony, but when it came time for the newlyweds to kiss, the passion between them was palpable. Absence had clearly made their hearts grow fonder, and dammit, but Faith couldn’t help but be happy for them.

Everyone in the Summers household had spent the past few weeks preparing for this day, decorating the house and getting gifts and making sure that everything was just so. It might not have been the giant, glitzy, glamourous wedding that dreams were made of, but everyone who mattered was there, save for Giles, who couldn’t make it due to prior commitments with whatever he was doing back in England, but he assured them that a gift was on its way in the mail.

So while almost everyone was hugging and kissing and trading stories, Faith stayed off to the side. It wasn’t her fault, but it was because of her that Xander had spent a year behind bars. She’d never been nearly as close to him as everyone else had, so she decided to let him enjoy the company of his family of choice while she tried not to ruin everything.

So it surprised her when Xander broke away from everyone else and approached Faith in the kitchen alone. The two of them hadn’t spoken to each other since before Faith had issued her ultimatum over a year ago. She didn’t know what to say, so she stayed quiet.

“So,” Xander said after a while. “I ended up taking your advice and really giving the therapy and counseling a chance. I didn’t want to, but Buffy and Will convinced me. I knew it was you talking, but I’m a sucker when it comes to listening to my friends. And I guess I have something I need to ask you, Faith.”

Not knowing where he was going, Faith just nodded. “Sure thing,” she replied.

Xander rubbed both of his hands together before finally spitting out suddenly, “How do you live with it? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was angry at you for so long for putting me there, but when I confessed, there were families of the people that I’d… They didn’t blame me. They respected me for owning up to a stupid mistake. But when I finally talked about it all with the therapists… I don’t remember the faces of the photos that Willow showed me, but all I see when I go to sleep are faces that are burning and frying and it never stops. How do you keep going, Faith? Is there some secret that’s gotten you this far? Does it ever get better? Does it ever go away? That feeling deep down that makes you want to vomit every time you close your eyes and see what you can’t un-see?”

Strangely enough, Faith felt glad. Not that Xander was suffering, but that he had the capacity to feel for what he’d done. That she wasn’t alone in being messed up but wanting to do better. And maybe, Faith felt good that she had a chance to pay forward the second chance that Angel had given her and try to steer Xander in a better direction.

“You live with it every day,” she told him. “Some days are better than others, and if you commit yourself to doing the right thing and never doing wrong ever again, then it helps. It never goes away, but if you’re lucky, then it does get better. You’ve got people who love you, who want to help you, and that’s gonna count for a lot. As for all those faces you see… I suggest you look up those four people and commit their faces to memory. You’re not responsible for people you didn’t hurt. But the ones you did… If you ever forget their faces, then you’re doing something wrong. It hurts every time you remember them, but it’s supposed to hurt. If it ever stops hurting, then you need to check yourself into some sort of clinic. That feeling that you’re gonna hurl because the guilt’s eating at you… That guilt means you have a conscience that’s telling you not to do it again. That guilt is what separates you from the monsters. It hurts like hell, but that’s part of being a stupid, messed-up human being.”

Xander chuckled without humor. “Well, I can’t exactly say that’s a happy thought, but I suppose it’s nice to know that this awful feeling means that I’m one of the good guys. I guess I just gotta keep checking myself to make sure I stay a good guy. And that’s what you’ve been doing for a while now, isn’t it, Faith?”

Raising a glass of champagne, Faith made a toasting gesture. “To humanity. It’s messy and painful, but it’s what we are, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

Xander chuckled. “For what it’s worth, you were right. I needed to face up to what I’d done. If I hadn’t… If I’d stayed oblivious to all of it… Well, you took that option away from me. I hated you for so long for forcing me to face the truth of what I’d done. After a while, though, I realized that if you hadn’t, I would have gone on thinking that I’d done nothing wrong. And after all of this, well, I just can’t see that anymore. So, uh, thanks, I guess?”

Faith shook her head. “Don’t thank me. I was pissed. I felt screwed over. I felt like I’d been made to suffer and you were getting a get-out-of-jail free card just because you were best buds with Buffy. I felt wronged, and I wanted to make it right. I thought you deserved it, but mostly, I just wanted people to stop looking at me as if I was the only person in this house to ever make such a stupid mistake. So don’t thank me, Xander. Just keep moving forward and keep being the better man. You’re gonna stumble and fall down, because it’s gonna be hard. That’s okay, though. Only time it isn’t okay is when you stop getting back up again.”

Faith sighed. “And I don’t know if we ever talked, but I did some seriously messed up stuff to you. I almost killed you because I was on some stupid power trip. I don’t know if I ever apologized for that, and I don’t know that a sorry is enough, but it’s all I got.”

“I’ll tell you what, Faith,” Xander said. “Don’t worry about what can’t be changed. You tell me to keep moving forward? How about you do the same, and we’ll call it even, okay?”

Faith nodded and allowed herself a small smile. “You got a deal. Now let’s go back to the party before your wife gets all vengeance happy about nothing she needs to be worried about.”

“My wife,” Xander said. “Wow! That’s gonna take some getting used to. But in a good way. Right. Back to my wife.”

The two of them made their way back to the living room, and now that the air had finally been cleared, Faith felt comfortable joining everyone to celebrate. She still wasn’t exactly close with Anya, but between everything that had happened, she felt comfortable considering herself a part of the woman’s life, even if not on the same level as Xander and his friends. Right now, Anya was opening presents from everyone. Buffy and Dawn had decided to take some of the money they had to spare and splurge on various gifts for the newlyweds. Buffy had decided on various appliances and IKEA coupons to help spruce up their apartment. Dawn had decided to capitalize on Anya’s love of sex and had obtained a number of risqué costumes meant for roleplay at night when she and Xander were alone. Faith had had to accompany Dawn to make the purchases at the adult store, and judging by the wave of red washing over Buffy’s face, Faith figured that she’d have to face a stern talking-to before long. It was still worth it.

Willow and Tara had gotten more modest gifts in the form of spellbooks and magical items that couldn’t be obtained at the Magic Box. Anya wasn’t quite as enthusiastic about these gifts, but she appreciated them all the same.

Finally, Faith decided to give Anya her present. “Now, I wasn’t sure how to wrap this, so it doesn’t look like much on the outside, but I hope the actual present makes up for it,” she said as she set a simple brown lunch bag on the table.

Anya made a face, but Faith just smiled. “Close your eyes and reach your hand in. Trust me.”

Anya grumbled but did as Faith said, and suddenly a wide grin split open on her face as she pulled a wad of hundred-dollar bills out of the bag. “Cash! Lots of cash! Real American currency. And the bills are sequential, too! Easy to count and take stock of! Oh, Faith! This is the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received! Thank you so much!”

Faith found herself surprised and on the receiving end of a tender hug. “No problem, Anya. I know how much you dig the stuff, and I have plenty to spare. So I figured, spread the love. You know what you want more than I do, so spend the money on whatever you want. Or keep it and do that capitalist dance you like to do or whatever.”

“I think I’ll do a bit of both!” Anya said before sitting down and counting her money like a young, blonde Ebenezer Scrooge.

A sound of a tapping on a glass brought everyone’s attention to Buffy. She was wearing a simple, peach-colored dress and minimal make-up, but Faith thought she looked positively radiant. And if Buffy wanted to give a toast, then she automatically had Faith’s undivided attention.

“So, um… A lot has changed in the past year and half,” Buffy said. “Willow, Tara, you’ve both become such an important part of this family. You were there for Dawn when I couldn’t be, and despite a lot of ups and downs, you’ve always been there for each other, even when you were separated by physical distance. And I just want to say how happy I am that you’re together and with us, celebrating today.”

The two witches practically glowed as they shared a brief kiss before returning their attention to Buffy. “Xander, Anya, you’ve also been through some serious ups and downs. But today, you’ve shown your love for each other, and you’ve committed to each other, and I’m so happy for you both, and I really hope that the best is yet to come for you.”

The two newlyweds smiled at each other and shared a short kiss before returning to look at Buffy and/or their newfound wad of cash.

“Dawn, you lovable little brat, you’ve probably had it worse than any of us. You’ve had to grow up so fast, dealing with all of what we’ve had to go through while also finding your own place. You’ve come so far, and I’m so proud of you. I love you, Dawn.”

Despite being a Slayer, with all the strength that came with it, even Buffy recoiled a bit at the strength of Dawn’s tackle-hug. Dawn held on tight before taking her place beside her sister, one arm wrapped around the Slayer.

“Faith,” Buffy said at last, and the Slayers’ eyes met. “Where do I even begin? Everything from when I came back to right here and now… Looking back on everything, I can’t imagine how differently things might have turned out if you hadn’t been here, and I don’t want to. You’re a part of this family now, Faith, and I hope you always will be. I can’t promise that it will always be fun or easy, but you’ve become such an important part in my life – in all of our lives, I think – that I can’t picture life without you in it anymore. So, thank you, Faith. For everything.”

Faith didn’t know what to say to that. Had she really made that much of a difference? Did it matter what she thought so long as Buffy was welcoming her this way? Faith didn’t know, but she knew that Buffy was looking at her with warmth and affection, and that made Faith’s heart skip a few beats.

“And finally,” Buffy said, taking a deep breath, “this last year and a half has been hard on all of us. The last thing I want to do is to make it all about me, but I just want to say that being here, with my friends – with my _family_ \- all of us enjoying each other’s company…”

Buffy took a deep breath. “We’re living, all of us. We’re living life. And I’ve decided that I like that. I’m alive, and I _like_ being alive. I want to keep on living life with you all, and I don’t know about all of you, but I’m gonna celebrate that. Life’s too short, and it’s too hard sometimes, so I’m going to take today, along with every other day, and I’m going to live it and enjoy it as best I can.”

Faith didn’t know what she was doing, but she couldn’t stop herself. She was up from her seat and she was planting a passionate kiss on Buffy’s lips. She broke contact as soon as she realized what she’d done. “I’m sorry, B,” she said immediately. “I know you don’t feel that way about me, but… You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to hear those words out of your mouth. Every day, I’ve been dying a little bit, waiting for you to be alive again. And now that you’re finally ready to live again… Well, I think I might be, too. I don’t know if I’m forgiving myself yet, or if I’m just giving myself the chance to try, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it without you, B. Whatever comes your way, I’ll be here for you, in whatever way you need. Nothing more and nothing less. And, if it isn’t too much to ask…”

“You’ll have the same from me, Faith,” Buffy said with a smile. “I do love you, if not in the same way you love me. So long as you can tell the difference and are okay with it, then everything is great.”

Faith laughed. “Buffy, for the longest time, I just wanted to be a part of your life. I’ll always be in love with you, but just you letting me be here, as your friend, your family, whatever… It’s more than anyone has ever given me, and it’s something I’m never gonna take for granted. I’m with you all the way, Buffy.”

The blonde slayer smiled, and damn, but that smile could light up the darkest night. “Dawn, before I jumped that night, I told you that the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. And that’s still true. But you know what? I’m okay with that.”

Faith raised her glass of champagne. “To the hardest damned thing in this world. To living life, one small step at a time.”

* * *

**THE END**


End file.
